Leprechaun 3 B-Movie Review

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LEPRECHAUN 3 - 2 Slimes

Rated R

Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 17 March 2007

The Characters:

Scott - Fievel, is that you?
Tammy - She aspires to be a recognized stage magician. For now, she is just an assistant and doing a fine job of distracting the audience (at least, the male part of it) from Fazio's fumbling antics.
Mitch - He owns a casino, in Vegas, but gets no action. Electrocuted.
Loretta - The joke is that her breasts are at the same level as her belly button. Ha! Funny! She explodes.
Fazio - Incompetent magicians usually fall prey to Darwin or insurance premiums, but this jerk slipped through the cracks. Sawn in half.
The Pawn Shop Owner - Despite having part of an ear and all of a big toe bitten off by the Leprechaun, he insists on trying to solve his own pest problem. Beaten to death.
The Leprechaun - Hah, the curse of the wee little people is a bloodborne pathogen, like HIV and hepatitis! Incinerating his pot of gold turns this faerie into a screaming, floating, flaming midget - which is possibly the coolest thing I have had the opportunity to type in a while.

The Plot:

Caught up as I was by the idea of reviewing a movie with a tie-in to St. Patrick's Day, I once again delved into the "L" section of my video collection. At first, I found that the story of a man who goes to Las Vegas, meets Elizabeth Shue, and eventually drinks himself to death seemed like a morose way to celebrate the patron saint of Ireland. It was at that point that I realized my mistake and put "Leaving Las Vegas" down. Moving a few inches to the right, I was rewarded with "Leprechaun 3," about a young man who goes to Las Vegas, meets an Elizabeth Shue look-alike, and has to stop a demonic Leprechaun. See, just as Irish, but funny too.

Fine, the leprechaun acts more like a far darrig. Rotten, stinking Hollywood movie producers named it a leprechaun because Americans are so colossally stupid. Does that make you happy? We've got cornfields biggah dan yer whole island, ya wool-head!

The owner of a pawn shop is visited by a mangled old drifter one night. The man is missing limbs (or parts of limbs) and is carrying something wrapped in a blanket. Removing the covering cloth, the unlucky bum reveals a hideous leprechaun statue. Clutching a measly pair of ten-dollar bills, he quickly leaves the pawn shop owner to learn about leprechauns the hard way, which he does after removing an amulet from the statue's neck. The man, I believe his heritage was Indian (Hollywood producers tend to look for stereotypes), quickly loses several chunks of meat to the reanimated faerie.

Not many people are accustomed to defending themselves from carnivorous midgets, but the pawn shop owner is one heck of a trooper. Personally, if a leprechaun bit off part of my ear and one of my toes, I would probably call the police and seek medical attention. This guy slaps some gauze over his wounds and throws a CD-ROM about leprechauns into the computer. The crash course in malevolent Irish spirits (I do not mean Jameson or Bushmills) proves to be of little use to the partially chewed pawn shop proprietor. He wages a slowly losing battle against the leprechaun, becoming bloodier and more frightened with each encounter. The reason for his persistence is a greedy desire to obtain the little fellow's pot of golden shillings.

Before we get too far, notice that the old man who pawned the leprechaun statue was happy to limp away with twenty dollars. He undoubtedly knew that freeing the creature would give him another shot at stealing the fortune in gold, but it also meant yet another encounter with a three-foot-tall green piranha that speaks in rhyme. Unloading the statue at a pawn shop is sheer genius. If horror movies were for real, all sorts of cursed items would end up in pawn shops.

Meanwhile, out on the strip, Tammy's car dies and she starts trying to hitch a ride, immediately crossing paths with Scott. The young man is just passing through Vegas on his way to college. A quick look under the hood of Tammy's stalled Volkswagen confirms Scott's worst fear: the hamster is dead. He offers her a ride, because what college freshman wouldn't want a stacked blonde sitting in his car?

Tammy works at the Lucky Shamrock casino, obviously one of the less-ritzy establishments in town. Actually, it reminds me of those dilapidated places you see near Kansas City. The places with rotting wood exteriors where you just know some woman wants to hit the slot jackpot so she can buy dentures. Anyway, as a way of thanking Scott for the ride, the young woman helps him get into the casino (Scott is not 21). Tammy then goes to work, meaning she is looking at eight hours of avoiding serious burns, lacerations, or punctures as Fazio tries to entertain the throng of miserable customers.

Easily the most annoying part of the film is Scott's "babe in the woods" introduction to Vegas. Lured by the idea of winning big, he cashes his tuition check and visits the roulette table. Loretta steals away his entire pot of money, mostly through the use of a rigged wheel. When Scott starts with the, "I can't believe this!" bit, the vile woman suggests he step across the street and pawn his watch, because there is no way a losing streak can go on forever.

I am not your mother, but let me provide a small bit of advice for anyone visiting Las Vegas: consider any money you intend to bet as spent, as if you had bought a hamburger with it (darn expensive hamburger). People do not get rich in Vegas, though some do buy hamburgers.

As you may have guessed, the pawn shop that Scott visits is the same one that has been the location of a gruesome mismatch of man and leprechaun. He discovers the murdered proprietor and also finds a magical gold shilling on the floor. While ruminating over his luck, the broke college student wishes that he was back in the casino and on a winning streak. In a flash, it is so. He finishes up at the roulette table with several times his starting money.

Mitch is not happy about the lost profits, probably because he needs to pay off a mobster. He tasks Loretta with recovering the money. She tells Fazio all about the kid and his mound of cash. This is how it comes to be that Scott is surprised by the magician, sucker punched, and has his magical shilling stolen. Scott also encounters the Leprechaun, who was about to pounce on Scott when the fortunately spoken wish whisked him away. It took the little guy some time to locate the thief, plus it was distracted while wandering around Las Vegas. Nope, nobody noticed a real, live leprechaun walking down the sidewalk. It's Vegas, why would they? Of course, I keep waiting to find out that space aliens visited Earth and nobody noticed at first because the creatures, despite looking like purple Snuffleupaguses, happened to land in the middle of the Burning Man event.

During their struggle, Scott is bitten by the Leprechaun and a large amount of faerie blood splashes into the wound (he stabs the foul spirit with a knife). The wee little fellow is tossed out a window, while the young man begins to transform into a leprechaun. That means he grows thick hair in odd places, talks with a thick Irish accent, and develops a hunger for anything potato. The potato bit is mildly amusing; he goes to the casino's restaurant and orders every potato item imaginable. Think Bubba from "Forest Gump," but switch out potato for shrimp. Damn, that is a lot of potatoes!

The magic shilling ends up in Mitch's greasy palm when he wishes that Tammy had the hots for him. She immediately adjusts her assets and springs upon the surprised casino owner. Mitch invites her upstairs to his private room. Unfortunately for the terminal bachelor, Loretta manages to steal the magic shilling back and that breaks the spell. Tammy comes to her senses just in time and inflicts massive trauma upon Mitch's manhood before leaving. The crushed owner (of the casino or testicles, your choice) is a bit despondent over the abrupt reversal. It makes him an easy target for the Leprechaun, who teases the doomed man with a fake woman, complete with tig bitties, that steps out of the television set.

Tammy exhibits some naughty tendencies during her brief enrapture with Mitch. A casual viewer would suggest that these were artificial and caused by the magical compulsion. I would argue that they are her natural kinks - the only thing Mitch wished was for her to fall in love with him, not that she turn into a freak. If this is like most movies, we can expect her and Scott to hook up at the end. I hope the young man is up to the task.

Who has the magic shilling now? Loretta! Her wish is to become the bitter mother from "Parenthood," the one whose daughter gets pregnant by Keanu Reeves (strange wish). The Leprechaun perverts that too, causing Loretta to explode as she tries to squeeze through a doorway. He still does not have his missing shilling, as Fazio took it from Loretta. The bumbling entertainer uses its power to become the greatest magician on Earth.

Concurrent with everything else, Scott has continued to transform into...something (supposedly a leprechaun, but all he does is grow hair and get spots on his face). He takes Tammy to the pawn shop to look for clues about the creature's origins. The animated CD-ROM provides a couple of facts that could be helpful. Their greatest find is in the storage room, where Scott sniffs out the hidden pot of gold in true faerie folk style. However, touching the shillings leads to another brutal encounter with their rightful owner and a battle of rhyming accents. Scott finds himself in a hospital, as doctors and nurses worry if his unique condition is contagious and whether he has health insurance. To save his humanity, Scott needs to escape the public healthcare system and find the leprechaun.

Make an effort to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, whether it is enjoying some fine Irish food and drink (my normal choice, as I am not Irish), watching a movie with friends, or saying a prayer. Remember, Saint Patrick was a man who was kidnapped and held as a slave for six years by the Irish. After escaping, he faced the dilemma of exacting revenge on an entire island for the years of shame and abuse. What he finally arrived upon was, "Ah-ha, I know exactly what to do: I will make them all Catholic."

Things I Learned From This Movie:

Mike Tyson is actually a giant leprechaun.
A .38 round will not penetrate someone's fingernail.
Large cashier's checks can be used as proof of age.
Elvis was trained by leprechauns.
Irish people have green bowel movements.
Magicians are the American equivalent of ninjas.
Sex toys should always be properly grounded.
Women: there is such a thing as too much silicon.
Democracy and chainsaws do not go together.

Stuff To Watch For:

Opening Credits - For a fleeting moment, I had visions of playing "Breakout" against a green midget.
7 mins - "Showgirls" totally ripped off this scene.
29 mins - Angry midget with a short baseball bat! Ouch!
31 mins - How long is this CBT about leprechauns?
55 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOT!
56 mins - You know, those do not look real. Come to think of it, I have doubts that the woman they are attached to is real either.
58 mins - Look at it this way, once it is all over, you will probably be happier than Elizabeth Shue.
62 mins - "Ohmygawd! Like, lambchops are so out of style! Oh, oh, Scott..."
73 mins - They probably misdiagnosed him as a run-of-the-mill case of lycanthropy.

Quotes:

Pawn Shop Owner: "What is this horrible thing?"
Maimed Old Drifter: "He's a good luck charm."
Pawn Shop Owner: "Yes, I can see it's working very well."
Loretta: "And he's got this gold coin that I want."
Fazio: "Really?"
Loretta: "Yeah, I figure we split the green - I get the gold coin. You know, good luck charm."

Audio clips in wav format

SOUNDS

Starving actors speak out

	File	Dialog
	leprechauniii1.wav	Pawn Shop Owner: "Who are you?" Leprechaun: "I'm a leprechaun, me lad, and you're a greedy thief. For trying to steal me gold, I'll be giving ya some grief!" (The sounds of a beating and whimpers follow.)
	leprechauniii2.wav	Loretta fleecing Scott.
	leprechauniii3.wav	Leprechaun: "Ah, lovely golden palaces, completely full of riches. I'll rip 'em off and rob 'em blind, those dirty sons of bitches."
	leprechauniii4.wav	Scott: "Yeah, give me hotel security. Yeah, I'd like to report a leprechaun in your hotel. No, a leprechaun. Yeah, little green guy. He tried to kill me!"