A few years back, my girlfriend was doing the usual harping about her weight, and I'd had enough. No, she didn't need to lose weight, she was fine as she was, and if anything, she could stand to gain some muscle. And I wasn't putting up with any annoying fishing for compliments or reassurance, either. So when she asked me this for the umpteenth time, I said this with a completely straight face, without even looking up from my tea.
"Archivist, do you think I need to lose weight?"
"Not at all. I've fxxked many fatties in my time."
She stopped asking that question for a good month. Bliss.
Holy Heaven, dude, and your testicles didn't end up somewhere near your spleen?