I'm trying not to be heartbroken.....

Killer Bees · February 04, 2011, 05:43:05 PM

Hi everyone

I'm unloading myself here because there is no one else who can/will understand. Things are dire right now but I'm hoping with all my heart taht things will improve. It's all I have to cling to right now.

Last night, my partner, Sean, broke up with me.

I was alone for 4 years before he came along and I'd resigned myself to never finding love. But he appeared and everything changed. We fell in love very quickly. Neither of us had ever clicked so strongly before with anyone.

His life is crazy. He has 3 children (12 - 16) and the two eldest boys have Aspergers. His youngest, a daughter is "normal". Aspergers is a type of autism and the scope and range of behaviours is far and wide. The boys, I'll call them Bobby and Charlie are very high functioning and if you didn't know, you would never tell anything was wrong. They attend school and have friends and I love them all dearly.

Bobby is 16 and when his Aspergers kicks in, he goes into uncontrollable rages. Sean has had to restrain him physically on hundreds of occasions until he calms down. Added to that Bobby is a teenager with all that normal stuff going on and he also has severe depression. So you can try to imagine how he can be when things get bad.

Sean's ex is living with him and the kids in the house because it's important for them to have a stable living environment. She has Aspergers as well and over the years her mental illness has been so severe that he won't even tell me what has happened. His family hate her and his sister wants to kill her on sight, so she must have been really bad. He doesn't like the situation but it's better for the kids so he lives with it.

He's had 20 years of constant stress with her and the the boys and the stats on Aspergers families are such that more than 98% of families fall apart but he's managed to keep things together even though they are divorced. Then his dad has been very sick with diabetes and just recently went into hospital for open heart surgery to get a double bypass. More stress. His dad is a very hard man and even after all these years doesn't understand how difficult it is to deal with Aspergers kids. He has told Sean over the years that he should be tougher with them and that he's a bad parent. He even said that just last week right before his surgery. Sean came over that night and you can't even imgaine the look on his face. He was devastated at his dad's words.

I think he's just come to the end of his rope. I've tried to be the one who loves and supports him but he keeps me away from most of the stuff going on. I haven't even seen either of the boys go into their Aspergers rages because he thinks I couldn't handle it. Maybe I couldn't but I haven't been given the chance to find out. He thinks he's protecting me, but with all the stress lately he's just shut down and closed off and last night something happened with Bobby (he won't tell me what) and he just dumped me.

I'm really trying to be brave and just assuming that he didn't know what else to do but I'm still heartbroken. I emailed him before telling him I still love him and I know he still loves me and not to make a decision based on stress and that things will be okay and he should take some time for himself and that I'll be here when he's ready.

I know he's stilll loves me because he said "you can do better than me". He was probably drunk also. So I can't do anything else but wait and see what happens. His kids told him if he ever broke up with me, they'd kill him, so I'm hoping that things will be okay eventually.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I feel a little better just having unburdened myself.

Doggett · February 04, 2011, 05:52:41 PM

Oh, baby.

Its cool to unload here, I've done it and I'm sure others have.
You're amoungst friends.

Hang on in there, KB.
Best wishes to you and your beloved. I do hope he gets back to you soon. My girlfriend kinda dropped me because of some illness problems she is having but she still texts and says 'hi' and lets me know thats she's okay. The balls in her court and I just have to be patient.

So its best not to lose hope in the ones we care about.

Killer Bees · February 04, 2011, 06:04:26 PM

Thanks Doggett

This is why I love this site so much. Everyone is so kind and wonderful and I find it constantly amazing that a community of people I've never met are more supportive to me than my own family.

Ed, Ego and Superego · February 04, 2011, 06:32:43 PM

Wow, thats heavy. Hang in there!
-Ed

Trevor · February 04, 2011, 06:37:07 PM

It's 01h30 here on 5 Feb and I've been having nightmares and trouble sleeping. Now I know why: a very good friend is hurting and hurting badly.

Sending warm hugs and love to Michelle.

Killer Bees · February 04, 2011, 07:20:19 PM

Thanks Ed, Trevor. You guys are amazing.

Umaril The Unfeathered · February 04, 2011, 07:53:18 PM

Quote from: Killer Bees on February 04, 2011, 07:20:19 PM

Thanks Ed, Trevor. You guys are amazing.

Yeah they are pretty cool guys, ain't they?

I just read up on your situation, and can easily say from my own experience, that decisions based on stress rarely turn out to be the right ones.

I lost a very dear love in my life years back because I did the same thing as Sean appears to have done; pushing someone away from stress.

As one who, to this day, has many regrets about his past, I certainly hope that Sean sees the light, and sees that you've gotten this far with him, and that he sees how much you love him. Best of luck with things

Silverlady · February 04, 2011, 08:16:43 PM

After reading what you wrote, I feel for you KB.

I can't even imagine what all of you have been going through. Does Sean belong to a support group for people dealing with Aspergers? If he doesn't, joining such a group might truly help him.

Try to stay strong.

Rev. Powell · February 04, 2011, 08:25:41 PM

So sorry to hear that. Heartbreak is a horrible feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Sadly, most of us have to endure it several times in a lifetime. Courage.

Killer Bees · February 04, 2011, 09:28:00 PM

Thanks, everyone for your support.

Silverlady, he's not part of a support group. He's been dealing with it all for such a long time I doubt he would find much value in it, much less actually go.

I just can't imagine that I'll never see him again or talk to him or see his face when he smiles at me or feel his arms around me when he's happy to see me.

Allhallowsday · February 04, 2011, 09:49:46 PM

How long were you with this guy, Killer Bees?
It does sound like he has a tough row to hoe... and he's been protecting you. I have a friend married to a person with Asperger's and it truly manifests itself in myriad form and can be trying. I cannot imagine being surrounded by loved ones afflicted.

I don't think the book is closed. I am thinking of you.

Mr. DS · February 04, 2011, 09:50:53 PM

Killer Bees, I'm sorry to hear of this and I hope it all works out in the end. From what you wrote (and yes I did read it all) it sounds like he did hit the end of his rope. Often I find at that point we shove away those we really love the most. Either that or we take it out on them. Perhaps he's in a situation now where he feels he may crack against you. So in a sense he doesn't want to opt for option #1 of taking it out on you. The email you sent was a great idea and perhaps he'll turn around and realize that quickly.

You are a lovely woman and we all enjoy your company here. Personally I felt it was a sad time when you were absent from the board. So never feel silly or ackward about venting because this is an extended family for us all. A family of misfits yes but still a family.

I'm also sure Sean will realize you're the key to his happiness and that there will be a giant void that only you can fill during your absence.

Hang in there my dear, things have an odd way of panning out.

Killer Bees · February 04, 2011, 09:57:38 PM

Quote from: Allhallowsday on February 04, 2011, 09:49:46 PM
How long were you with this guy, Killer Bees?
It does sound like he has a tough row to hoe... and he's been protecting you. I have a friend married to a person with Asperger's and it truly manifests itself in myriad form and can be trying. I cannot imagine being surrounded by loved ones afflicted.

I don't think the book is closed. I am thinking of you.

Thanks Allhallows. We have been together nearly 4 months now. I know it's not a long time but it's been an intense ride. I've never felt anything like it and I know he hasn't either.

I will take comfort in your words and choose to believe that it's not over. The alternative is way too scary.

Killer Bees · February 04, 2011, 09:59:19 PM

Quote from: Rev. Powell on February 04, 2011, 08:25:41 PM
So sorry to hear that. Heartbreak is a horrible feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Sadly, most of us have to endure it several times in a lifetime. Courage.

Thanks Rev. I appreciate your support.

Killer Bees · February 04, 2011, 10:10:22 PM

Quote from: The DarkSider on February 04, 2011, 09:50:53 PM
Killer Bees, I'm sorry to hear of this and I hope it all works out in the end. From what you wrote (and yes I did read it all) it sounds like he did hit the end of his rope. Often I find at that point we shove away those we really love the most. Either that or we take it out on them. Perhaps he's in a situation now where he feels he may crack against you. So in a sense he doesn't want to opt for option #1 of taking it out on you. The email you sent was a great idea and perhaps he'll turn around and realize that quickly.

You are a lovely woman and we all enjoy your company here. Personally I felt it was a sad time when you were absent from the board. So never feel silly or ackward about venting because this is an extended family for us all. A family of misfits yes but still a family. I'm also sure Sean will realize you're the key to his happiness and that there will be a giant void that only you can fill during your absence.

Hang in there my dear, things have an odd way of panning out.

Darksider, of all the wellwishers here (and I've been overwhelmed with gratitude for them all), your reply made me cry. Like the old saying goes "from your mouth to God's ear"

Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart to you all for the outpouring of love you've all show me here. I never knew people like you existed much less that I would be privileged enough to be the recipient of all the goodwill.