Titanic 2. HOW?! WHY?!

[Dr. Strangelove]

I just saw "titanic 2" on the sfc. It's another piece of digital dung defecated onto the airwaves by the asylum, a film production outfit that has long replaced and far exceeded ed wood as worst movie maker in history.

Seeing it made me all but wail "HOW could anyone have thought this was a good idea?!" and "WHY did someone decide to make this?!"

This movie was stupid and awful by the asylum's standards. Go look it up on IMBD. Seriously, go look it up. Look at the "goofs" list. My god, I've never seen a goof list that long for any other movie, ever! Even movies like "the green slime" have tiny goof lists compared to the one for titanic 2.

I won't repeat the whole list, but just to give you a couple ideas of how bad it was, when we see the titanic 2 moored at a dock, or actually a terribly bad CGI model matted poorly onto a dock scene, we see the letters TITANIC II on the side. When the ship is at sea, the huge letters disappear.

Later, a woman is badly injured in a ships sickbay, so the heroine, a medical professional, treats her serious chest wound by taking cellophane tape and taping A CREDIT CARD over it.

No, I am serious.

The cast contained a couple very mediocre actors, mostly older men. The majority of the cast I will not describe as actors, because, you see, in order to be truthfully called an actor, one must act. In this case "act" means to play a character.

What most of the cast did in this movie was definitely not acting. They were reciting lines.

So maybe I should call them "reciters" instead of actors. Any opinion on this? Want to try making the term "reciter" to officially mean someone who is in a movie cast but does not actually act, instead they just recite lines? I'm for it. Maybe we could get this made an "official" definition.

I'm a gamer, and I've seen kids playing elves, wizards and knights in D&D who were more capable, passionate and convincing actors than the cast of this movie, to call the cast of titanic 2 actors would be to insult every real actor in history, and everyone who's ever played a role playing game in character. What the cast of this movie was doing didn't come within a light year of acting.


The science was a joke, and the movies one attempt at cleverness was about as witty and clever as a loud, wet fart at a baby's funeral.

See, the really clever thing in titanic 2 was that instead of the titanic hitting an iceberg, an iceberg hit the titanic! I'm sure whoever came up with that must be at the head of the asylum's class.

"What do you mean, an iceberg 'hit' the titanic?" I hear you ask.

Well, see, according to the science in this movie, I.E. what the so-called "writer" heard while flipping thru news and current events on his webfeed, our old friend global warming has caused the ice caps to break up, and as a massive ice sheet drops off the icecap and into the ocean it creates a tsunami.

(So global warming sunk the titnaic the second time around. Global warming is the new villain, I guess. Maybe soon they'll remake godzilla and have global warming wake up the big green guy. Likewise maybe they'll make a new scooby doo episode where the meddling kids finally tie up the fake monster and rip off the mask, onlyto reveal "OLD MAN GLOBAL WARMING?!?!")

Now most of us know a tusnami travels under surface of water and things on the surface, only causing a problem when it hits a landmass. In the last few years we've had a couple major tsunamis, so I assume a lot of people understand a tsunami does not show up on or affect the surface.

Well, that doesn't stop the global warming produced tsunami here from grabbing an iceberg and, first off, destroying an innocent submarine that just happened to be in the movie for no other reason than to add dramatic tension by being destroyed to establish the menace to the ship with most of the main reciters on board, but it also slams said iceberg into the titanic's side.

See, we're clever!  :bouncegiggle:We're original!  :twirl:We had an iceberg hit the titanic instead of the titanic hitting an iceberg!  We're scriptwriting geniuses! Where's our oscar?!

As if that wasn't bad enough, the second global warming produced tsunami ignores the laws of physics enough to destroy an aircraft flying a couple hundred feet over the ocean! I guess that global warming produced tsunamis don't have to act like regular ones, because they're produced by global warming, see, and global warming makes everything bigger and more monstrous, like radiation and genetic engineering.

Really, how could anyone think this movie was a good idea and why didn't anyone stop them?

In all honesty, this movie made "the green slime" look like "2001" in comparison.

[LilCerberus]

This time, it's personal.

[WilliamWeird1313]

Hahaha. I rented this one with some friends and we had a blast. Nowhere near as much as a riot as The Asylum's take on Sherlock Holmes (a MUST-SEE movie... he fights a robot dinosaur for christ's sake), but a hoot-and-a-half nonetheless. Every weekend, me and two of my friends get together and rent just the worst drivel we can find from Blockbuster (usually a double feature of an Asylum film and some crappy kids' flick like CyberMutt or Cop Dog) and we riff ourselves hoarse. I used to absolutely haaaaaate The Asylum, but, through the good times I've experienced with my friends as a result of The Asylum's oeuvre, I've developed a new appreciation for their output.

Okay, that's putting it mildly. I've become OBSESSED! I'm now determined to obtain the complete Asylum DVD library. No joke. I can't wait for Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid to come out on DVD. Princess Of Mars is a big  in my book, too. Normally, I don't get to say Traci Lords' and Edgar Rice Burroughs' names in the sentence, so I'm grateful to The Asylum for giving me that opportunity. Woo-hoo!

[Jack]

Has there been a disaster movie made in the last ten years where the culprit wasn't global warming?  Good grief, I remember back in the old days when writers used to use this thing called "imagination" to come up with their plot device   

[Leah]

Has there been a disaster movie made in the last ten years where the culprit wasn't global warming?  Good grief, I remember back in the old days when writers used to use this thing called "imagination" to come up with their plot device   

Tell me Jack, what is this imagination stuff your talking about? Is it magic?

[Robocop]

The Asylum never fail to make me laugh. From there production values to there promoting taglines, this organization is so bad there good.

I really liked there version on Sherlock Holmes, its easily the best film they've distributed. Haven't seen Titanic 2, but I hear the way they avoided copyright was because the 'Titanic 2' was the name of the actual boat, but tactically its a clever marketing hook to trick its audience into thinking its a sequel. So not only do they ripoff summer blockbusters by adjusting the tittle and/or claiming its a remake (The Land That Time Forgot etc) or novel adaption (HG Wells' War of The Worlds, Allan Quartermain & The Temple Of Skulls etc) but they do sex comedies and fake sequels as well.     
     

[Flick James]

Hahaha. I rented this one with some friends and we had a blast. Nowhere near as much as a riot as The Asylum's take on Sherlock Holmes (a MUST-SEE movie... he fights a robot dinosaur for christ's sake), but a hoot-and-a-half nonetheless. Every weekend, me and two of my friends get together and rent just the worst drivel we can find from Blockbuster (usually a double feature of an Asylum film and some crappy kids' flick like CyberMutt or Cop Dog) and we riff ourselves hoarse. I used to absolutely haaaaaate The Asylum, but, through the good times I've experienced with my friends as a result of The Asylum's oeuvre, I've developed a new appreciation for their output.

Okay, that's putting it mildly. I've become OBSESSED! I'm now determined to obtain the complete Asylum DVD library. No joke. I can't wait for Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid to come out on DVD. Princess Of Mars is a big  in my book, too. Normally, I don't get to say Traci Lords' and Edgar Rice Burroughs' names in the sentence, so I'm grateful to The Asylum for giving me that opportunity. Woo-hoo!

Ok, you liked titanic 2...

If it's not too personal a question, do you pay women in boots
to tie you up and whip you?

I'm guessing that's an attempt at a sarcastic joke. I've a big fan of those. However, even your jokes come across as mean-spirited and crass.

[Flick James]

Ok, you liked titanic 2...

If it's not too personal a question, do you pay women in boots
to tie you up and whip you?

I'm guessing that's an attempt at a sarcastic joke. I've a big fan of those. However, even your jokes come across as mean-spirited and crass.

Damn, no yawning smiley....


[/quote]

That's fine. I just figured I'd give you one last stab before ignoring you completely. Eventually you will either get generally ingored or banned and you can come back under yet another username like you did before.

[WilliamWeird1313]

Hahaha. I rented this one with some friends and we had a blast. Nowhere near as much as a riot as The Asylum's take on Sherlock Holmes (a MUST-SEE movie... he fights a robot dinosaur for christ's sake), but a hoot-and-a-half nonetheless. Every weekend, me and two of my friends get together and rent just the worst drivel we can find from Blockbuster (usually a double feature of an Asylum film and some crappy kids' flick like CyberMutt or Cop Dog) and we riff ourselves hoarse. I used to absolutely haaaaaate The Asylum, but, through the good times I've experienced with my friends as a result of The Asylum's oeuvre, I've developed a new appreciation for their output.

Okay, that's putting it mildly. I've become OBSESSED! I'm now determined to obtain the complete Asylum DVD library. No joke. I can't wait for Mega-Python Vs. Gatoroid to come out on DVD. Princess Of Mars is a big  in my book, too. Normally, I don't get to say Traci Lords' and Edgar Rice Burroughs' names in the sentence, so I'm grateful to The Asylum for giving me that opportunity. Woo-hoo!

Ok, you liked titanic 2...

If it's not too personal a question, do you pay women in boots
to tie you up and whip you?

Actually...

[SynapticBoomstick]

I'm having a hard time figuring out Asylum's target demographic for this one, that sounds... I know what I want to say but I literally lack the words.

[WilliamWeird1313]

I think, at this point, the Asylum's target demographic is, for the most part, exactly what the Asylum's actual audience is. Namely, bad movie-loving irony-junkies who pick up titles like "Transmorphers" and "Paranormal Entity" and say "What the f--- is this s---?" and then laugh... then plunk down the money to rent it, hang out with friends, and laugh themselves hoarse at the low budget, bad CGI-infested ridiculuousness of it all. If you visit the Asylum's website enough and read their news blog, you'll find that the Asylum head honchos are often very self-deprecating. They seem extremely aware who they are, what they do, what most people think of them, and what kind of person is most likely to rent one (or more) of their flicks.

That said, at the same time, the Asylum head honchos have themselves admitted numerous times that they don't really have any target demographic. To be bluntly, painfully honest, they say they don't really care about what any audience wants so much. They're more interested in what their distributors, like Blockbuster, are asking for. The Asylum's distributors will literally come to the Asylum and say "we want a movie with giant snakes" or "how about a disaster movie with some of that 2012 apocalypse stuff people seem to like so much." And the Asylum does exactly that.

[RCMerchant]

I would sit through TITANTIC 2 before I would the first overblown assblow movie.

[Flick James]

I would sit through TITANTIC 2 before I would the first overblown assblow movie.

overblown assblow movie. That is one of the more intense descriptions of disdain for a movie I've seen.

Cheers to ya.

[RCMerchant]

I would sit through TITANTIC 2 before I would the first overblown assblow movie.

overblown assblow movie. That is one of the more intense descriptions of disdain for a movie I've seen.

Cheers to ya.

Thank you. Thank you very much. And now,ladies and gennilmin, for my next number, I'll bite the head offa this here chicken!

[Flick James]

I would sit through TITANTIC 2 before I would the first overblown assblow movie.

overblown assblow movie. That is one of the more intense descriptions of disdain for a movie I've seen.

Cheers to ya.

Thank you. Thank you very much. And now,ladies and gennilmin, for my next number, I'll bite the head offa this here chicken!

Don't do that. You could get sick and I tend to like your contributions. Selfish, maybe, but still, don't do it.