Hello Everyone

[Killer Bees]

Hi everyone

Long time no see      I haven't been on for a long time I know and I've missed you guys in my absence.

I had a heck of a year last year.  I had 3 jobs back to back where I was bullied and hated being there.  As most of you know, I also split with my partner and love of my life Sean during that time.  So I had a hard time functioning and it took all of my focus and energy just to put one step in front of the other and get to work every day.  Plus I was really sick for two months with the flu and trying to deal with that and a new job nearly did me in.

Because of this emotional turmoil, I did what I always do:  I retreated into myself and tried to shut out the badness of the world.  It worked, after a fashion.  Being alone gave me the time and space to go deep into myself and discover what mattered to me most.  I also analysed what I did wrong, what I did right, and what I needed to do to make things better for myself.

Self discovery is a hard road to travel but the rewards are worth it.  For me inner peace is a constant journey and while I don't think I've found it yet, things are a lot better.

I now have a job that I really like with people who are nice and good to me and I enjoy going to work every day.  It's only a temp job and my contract comes up for renewal at the end of next month.  But they like me and the boss told me he will do everything he can to keep me there.  I'm back in financial planning which I didn't really want, but I discovered bad jobs are about the people, not the industry.

So I have good people in a good job, even if the money is pretty crappy.  But I promised myself I would chase the satisfaction and not the money, and that's where I am.  I also promised myself I would withdraw from the world of love and romance.

I'm not good at it and I don't yet trust myself to make the right decisions about men.  I have been attracting guys who are emotionally stunted in some way and that means that I am the same, because you can only attract what you are.  But that's okay.  Being alone is no drama for me and now that the dream of finding the love of my life is no more, it's forced me to look at other areas in my life that have been neglected for a long time.

So I'm just working and socialising a little with people from work and going out and about on my own and doing things that make me happy.  I've even made my peace with Sean and we are exploring a platonic friendship with each other.  That's been really hard for me because I think when you really love someone that doesn't just go away.  It stays with you in some form and the trick is to make it work for your life instead of against it.

He's doing well with his emotional trauma.  He's seeing a great counsellor and he's on medication for his panic attacks and anxiety and he's taking life day by day.  I only usually see him once every few weeks and after each meeting, I assess how I feel about myself.  It was hard the first half dozen times.  But as I get stronger and more confident in myself, I don't feel bad after we see each other.  I actually had coffee with him today and when I arrived home, there were no negative emotional effects at all.

Thank you to those of you who emailed me happy birthday for this month.  My apologies for not answering but I didn't want to reach out to anyone until I felt like I had something in me that could I could reach out with.

I probably won't be on here every day but I will drop in and say hi and catch up with what's going on in Bad Movies world.  I have missed everyone and I do remember all the support you guys have given me since I became a member.  And I truly thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

So while I will keep hermiting myself away from the world, eventually that will pass and I will once more rejoin the human race and who knows, I may even feel like I have something inside me to give again.

Anyhow, that's enough of me.  How's everyone else been going?


KB

[Derf]

Sorry to hear about the bad things you've been going through, KB, but I'm glad that you decided to visit us here again. I deal with my problems much the same way you do, so I understand (at least in part) your withdrawal. I wish there were magic words that would make everything better for you, but we know that there aren't. Time will help, friends will help, self-monitoring will help. You've got friends here; I know several here that have worried about you over your absence repeatedly. I don't often say anything, but you have been in my thoughts from time to time, wondering how you were holding up in difficult times. I'm glad to hear you're in a healing phase and look forward to hearing from you here on the board again.

[indianasmith]

Welcome back!  We have missed you - or at least, I know that I have missed you - a LOT!
I am sorry this year has been so hard for you but know that we will be here for you.  It sounds like
maybe your life is on the right track.  It's very, very nice to see a post from you again. Don't be a
stranger, and let us help you as much as we can!

Lotsa love and good wishes from Texas!

[Allhallowsday]

Most of us regulars noticed you weren't around. 
I'm glad to see you're back and getting to where we all need to be: a place of happiness. 

[Menard]

Yay! Killer Es...err...I mean Killer Bees is back!

Now if I can just get some of the rest of you yahoos to disappear so I can have her all to myself...hmmm.

[psst]someone needs to reactivate their Facebook account[/psst]

[Zapranoth]

Yay, welcome back!

I'm at the I'm-ready-for-a-vacation, why-am-I-a-poorly-planning-idiot-who-doesn't-plan-vacations-often-enough stage in things.  Perhaps I'll learn something this time.  :)   But I'm grateful!  Looking at the world through my particular lens, I am so glad to know that my family is well. 

I wish you peace and rest, and wisdom!

[Silverlady]

Welcome back,  KB.  We missed you.  Glad you're getting your life back together again.  Take care ....

[JaseSF]

Welcome back Killer Bees 

Life seems to have a way of kicking us in the nads from time to time. I know that pretty well myself recently having lost a close  family member and my job at the same time but you're right, it's just a matter of getting back to where you want to be. It's not easy but glad you're on your way. Good luck to you.

[RCMerchant]

Welcome home Bees! So nice to have you back! 

[trekgeezer]

Yahoo!!!!!  Glad to have you back girl!

[Mr. DS]

Hello Darling!   Good to see you back

[Rev. Powell]

Welcome home Killer Bees! 

[Ed, Ego and Superego]

Hiya Bees

[Psycho Circus]

Yay! 

[RCMerchant]

Are you still back? I miss you,sweetie! Come back!