RECENT VIEWINGS (Bad Movie Thread!)

[Rev. Powell]

STREET TRASH (2024): The mayor of Cape Town has developed an aerosolized spray to melt the city's homeless population. This remake of the 1987 underground cult classic is equally gross and absurd but less nihilistic, focused instead on the hobos as a likable community fighting government oppression. It doesn't make a lot of sense and jumps around a good bit, but it's full of action, gore, drug abuse, and weird little asides (one character has an imaginary friend only he can see, a blue puppet with a foul mouth). 2.5/5.

[zombie no.one]

forgot they were remaking that... not a total disaster then

Never saw RMD but I presumed that Jet Li was Romeo?

I have a TBTT disc like the one you speak of but w/ only the '77 BEAST on it. It's amusing but the Yeti appears onscreen even far less than he does in SNOW CREATURE!    Only in a couple of brief extreme close-ups. Otherwise the whole thing is like a FPS or found-footage movie shot entirely by the Yati!  There were no 7-foot actors hanging around Hollywood in '77?

apologies didn't see your reply... yes very little Yeti in SNOW BEAST 77, or the 2010 as it happens... "leave 'em wanting more" (or wanting something / anything!)

[M.10rda]

When I was seeing more movies (two months ago!) I vowed to stop wasting time reviewing the bad ones. Well I've only been able to watch four this month, and the fourth was such a poor use of my time, I am gonna' break the embargo and even go so far as to SPOIL THE ENDING... just to urge folks to skip it!

HOLLYWOOD HORROR HOUSE aka SAVAGE INTRUDER (1970):
I guess this lame-to-dispiriting slasher flick was a cheapo attempt to cash in on the bizarrely popular Oldsploitation genre from the 60s and early 70s, elevated to its heights by Robert Aldrich and Curtis Harrington in suspense flicks starring Joan Crawford, Bette Davis, Shelley Winters, and all other manner of matronly broads. An arrogant hippie smooth talks his way into a job in the household of a boozy over-the-hill movie star (30s star Mariam Hopkins, who I'd never heard of), her elderly cook (30s/40s actress Florence Lake, who I'd never heard of), her no-nonsense manager (30s-50s Oscar-winner Gayle Sondergaard, who at least I'd heard of!), and the movie star's young nursemaid (Virginia Wing, who was in CHARLEY VARRICK). It was a bad idea to give this guy a job, as 1.) he's a complete jagoff and arsehole and 2.) there's been a recent spate of serial murders/dismemberments of "women of a certain age" in the Hollywood Hills... unfortunately by the time Sondergaard, Wing, and Lake get wise to the jerk, he's already swept Hopkins into an unlikely Norma Desmond/Joe Gillis-type romance...

SAVAGE INTRUDER (its more common title) has some occasional Herschell Gordon Lewis-style gore (red paint for blood et al) and two psychedelic flashback sequences that are actually relatively interesting. Beyond that, it was a chore for much of its running time. Hopkins' performance isn't particularly accomplished but the hippie (played by "John David Garfield", who I must assume is no relation to John Garfield) is insufferable from moment one, just a nasty snotty turd with no redeeming or intriguing qualities. (Sondergaard and Lake are good, however, with little to work with, and Wing is at least appealing.) It seems from the very start that the Hippie is almost certainly the serial killer, but these kinds of movies tend to live or die on surprising and even improbably eleventh-hour twists, so I kept watching in hopes of a really good other-shoe drop. NOPE - the hippie is indeed the killer, and after he offs Hopkins, we don't even get the satisfaction of watching one or more of the three surviving women foiling him and bringing him to justice. He knocks each of them off in turn, then enjoys the whole mansion on his own!

0.5/5
If I want to see a smug, loathsome liar get away with crimes against humanity and never be brought to justice, I'll just read the headlines.

Not like this is any kind of amelioration, but I might as well mention that Fifth Stooge Curly Joe Besser makes two brief appearances.

[Dr. Whom]

The man who killed Hitler and then the Bigfoot (2018)

Now there is a title I couldn't resist. Calvin Barr, who successfully (and very secretly) assassinated Hitler in WW II, is called from retirement to kill Bigfoot before the creature unleashes a devastating virus on the world. However Calvin has come to wonder whether his sacrifice at the time had been worth it, seeing what the world had become.

In the category movies with exciting titles who turn out to be disappointing, this is right up there with Fire Maidens from Outer Space. There is barely enough plot for 30 minutes, and it is stretched out to 1h38. We spend a full 40 minutes with a retired Sam Elliot before the men in black even show up to recruit him. There is hardly any suspense, action, atmosphere or character development. The premise is not bad, but the movie does absolutely nothing with it. Avoid.

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
Hercules and the Masked Rider (1963)
https://youtu.be/64zVVd29-hI?si=TTZNu7xVj8pEDdJ1

So, uh, instead of ancient Greece, it's 16th century Spain, & Hercules is not the main character.... And so I'm having trouble remembering the first third of the movie, because I was too busy trying to wrap my head around that...
Okay, so, in 16th century Spain, a Duke chases some escaping serfs onto a Don's property... The Duke threatens war unless he marries the Don's daughter... Old & committed to peace, the Don capitulates...
However, a soldier betrothed to the Dona returns the next day, quickly learns the truth, gets exiled, & falls in with some gypsies, & becomes the masked rider....

A bad film print, ripped from a bad VHS, & the dubbing gets grating at times....

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
Colossus and the Amazon Queen (1960)
https://youtu.be/9sYoYgL4rGo?si=37UnmucRabitywFk

So, it opens with an organized brawl, Glauco wins is the last man standing, & everybody walks away happy...
Later that night, Pirro, his untrustable friend is approached by a pair of shady sailors who talk him into getting him on the next boat in exchange for drinking money.... Next morning, they're on the boat, & well. one thing leads to another....
Eventually, they make it to an island where they find promised gold & a table with free food & wine that's been drugged... The sailors abandon them to be enslaved by the Amazons....
Of course, the Amazons have their own set of problems, with the two alphas at each others throats, & a queen who's bored & likes to stay drunk....
Meanwhile, an escaped Egyptian inventor plots everyone's escape.....

There's also a dated joke about an effeminate group of men....
Mostly comedy, with really poorly placed big band swing music during fight scenes....

[lester1/2jr]

Mostly comedy, with really poorly placed big band swing music during fight scenes....

that sounds like a bad movies that don't exist description 

Obambo (2022) - No, it's not Barack Obama rampaging across the countryside with a machine gun, it's a Tanzanian horror movie that's perfect for this section of the board. I was putting a new skateboard together as I watched this (not many skate shops around anymore) and I seriously doubt I would have made it through without being otherwise occupied.

People rent a house and unfortunately for them, Obambo is in it. He looks like a ghost version of Rockwell, the "I always feel like somebody's watching me" guy from the 80's. Something horrible happened at the house years before and his soul was yadda yadda etc. It's a bad house.

The pace of the dialogue is weirdly slow and there's not a lot of background music or anything. It's very spare and basically just doesn't have any justification for it. The story is okay I guess and there's some okay stuff, like at one point Obambo attacks one of the people living in the house and she opens her eyes and is in a forest or something. The gore was someone throwing red water against a wall.

In general, I'd say people in Tanzania need to wake up and start moving around more quickly. Another approach might be the one "Who Killed Captain Alex?" a Ugandan film, took, which is to have a guy making fun of the movie the whole time a la MST3K. I did it myself but it wasn't very sophisticated or tasteful, just going "Obamaboooo" every 15 minutes.

2/5

currently no reviews on IMDB

[M.10rda]

A SPRING FOR THE THIRSTY (1965):
Every review I've seen on Letterboxd of this B+W Russian art film is glowingly, almost rapturously positive. Although there were no English subtitles on the print I watched, there's also very little dialogue - it's mostly a long series of mostly non-linear montage of still compositions with some occasional impressive camera movements. Many of those Letterboxd reviewers are happy to unpack the narrative in great detail and relate how it's the story of an aging man who spent decades helping scores of other folks access freshwater from the eponymous source in his yard, before the march of progress passed him by. Now he sits alone, rueful, trying not to think about his past glories as he waits for inevitable death. That sounds like a powerful motion picture (and very Russian!), and I picked all that up from about the first 5 minutes of A SPRING FOR THE THIRSTY, but then it kept going for another 68 minutes. Ah well, that's a common problem for me lately - in numerous films I've watched recently, and (ahem) in my own reviews! 

A common theme among the reverent praise of this film seems to be that it speaks to some profound universal truth about aging, reflection upon one's youth, regret, loss, the acceptance of mortality, deterioration, etc etc etc. All this may well be True (to invoke the Rumian proverb) but is it Necessary, particularly at such length? When I was a young man, I instinctively lusted for content (action, dialogue, events!!!) but taught myself to patiently consume Tarkovski films and then Bela Tarr, Aleksandr Sokurov, and Gyorgy Feher. I thought an appreciation for those slooooooow Eastern Eur/Asian films was important and commendable, and in some cases I was right. Now that I'm an old man, however, I question whether patience and discipline are such virtues for a filmgoer. I hunger for content more than ever, and I want it delivered more efficiently, as inescapably I am closer to death and have less time to waste. I live with regret aaaaaaall the time, but I sit around contemplating the past and my legacy very little. More than ever, I am itching to act constructively while I still can, or at least be fooled by movies into thinking I'm doing something constructive with my time. I still like Tarkovski and Tarr, but quite a bit happens in most of their films, albeit often in slow-motion.

Comparatively, nothing happens in ASFTT... that one couldn't glean from any five minute excerpt. Even Tarkovski's least eventful film (THE MIRROR, maybe?) is infinitely more eventful and complex. Tarkovski died before he was old but maybe he knew he was on the clock and he made the most of his time, and his viewers'. Director Yuri Ilyenko was only 29 when he made ASFTT and his Old Man drag seems inescapably like the put-on of a young punk.    Maybe he wasn't quite dreading the sands in his hourglass quite yet. I'd be interested in checking out one of his later films to see if he ever felt motivated to pick up the pace.

2/5
I was gonna' write more but surely I have better things to do!

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
The Pumaman (1980)
https://youtu.be/e59kuXC_bzA?si=7ifvL64j3OVj3HWy

So, a million years ago, aliens gave the Aztecs a gold mask, promising Pumaman would protect it....
Present day London, Donald Pleasance leads a group of villains in black leather jumpsuits, who have stolen the mask & intend to use it to control the minds of world leaders... But first, an archeologist warns him about the Pumaman, whom he resolves to find & kill....
Cut to a professor out for a jog, reading about a rash of murders... He goes back to work, where he senses danger, & a Latino with super human strength attacks him & tosses him out a window, but he survives... Later on, the Latino shows up at his house, tells the professor he's the Pumaman, & tries to get him to try on a belt...

The audio is pretty grating most of the time, but the disco & midi-synth soundtrack is amusingly goofy...
Campy fun that manages to stay engaging most of the time...

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
Shoot the Living and Pray for the Dead (1971)
https://youtu.be/1j6fCW5jL1E?si=nDFQkeEUyW1VNqSJ

Okay, so, I've always enjoyed a good Spaghetti Western, and I've always admired Klaus Kinski's prolific film career, being known just as much for his bmovies as he is for his art house movies, and with the advent of the internet, I learned Kinski made a few of these westerns... So, something I had to get outa my system...

This turned out to be a mystery/suspense...
The first half follows the formula of a group of people holed up in a bar, with a group of bad guys, the leader being especially sadistic, & tensions rise...
It turn out, the gang robbed a bank, which is all over the telegraph lines, their guide for the desert has been murdered, & their bagman is way late...

At the bar, a stranger offers to show them the way to Mexico in exchange for half their loot...

The loot shows up, & the second half of the movie is pretty much the formula of people lost in the desert, not sure if they can trust their guide...

[M.10rda]

SHOULD A SCHOOLGIRL TELL? (1969):
I got overconfident after my luck with YOUNG LUCREZIA and decided to watch even another random softcore EuroSleaze flick from the golden age of such things. Unlike many German Schoolgirl flicks of the era, this one isn't an anthology of lame skits and instead has a single, unified, actually rather complicated plot.  Huh?!

So we've got a high school girl ("Josephine", 'cause most heroines in German sex comedies are called "Josephine") and her new boyfriend, who enjoy sneaking off and schtupping in a rowboat. In the afterglow he sullenly relates his dysfunctional household, where his two teenage step-sisters constantly force him into having intercourse, and to make matters worse now his stepmother is getting into the routine too. (This film was about a half-century ahead of current hardcore internet trends!) Somehow Josephine and her boyfriend and the stepmother are all embroiled in a scandal involving a pervy girls' gym teacher, a vengeful landlord, a corrupt prosecutor, Josephine's horny single dad, Josephine's hot prostitute cousin, a groovy photographer of nude ladies, and... I dunno, some other stuff. I admire the screenwriter(s) for thinking that anyone was watching a film w/ this title for its labyrinthine web of characters!

Like YOUNG LUCy, SAST has occasionally legit-punchy dialogue and better dubbing performances than most of us probably expect from star-free foreign exploitation. Josephine's brother is a Max Fischer-type who sells the groovy photographer's nude photographs (to adults, not other teens!) and at least one of his exchanges with a client made me literally LOL. Really all I expect from porn is that it makes us laugh, amirite guys?

2.5/5 John Waters would probably dig this flick if only it was a little less heteronormative.

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
The Breach (2013-I Think)
https://youtu.be/Rh1bvFfdccg?si=bKv1_1jOQeRwzFoz

And what a stinker... It looks like somebody got an autofocus night vision camera for Christmas, and got with some neighborhood teens & decided to make a zombie movie....

So, these two teenage girls go up the country, get lost & their car breaks down... One of them goes looking for help, & runs afoul of zombies in shrink-wrap.... Then she runs into someone who can barely remember his lines explains (for a really long time) how a group of scientists tore a hole in the universe & opened the gate to hell.... (At this point, I quit paying attention...)
Then, they keep adding more characters who can barely remember their lines, none of which are delivered with any real sincerity....

Really goofy stop motion monster shows up in the second half....
I'd say, maybe, 0.00001% better than any given Polonia Bros flick....

[Dr. Whom]

Journey to the Center of Time

A team of scientists (led by a dead ringer for Henry Kissinger, for those of us who remember him) is developing a machine to see into the past and the future. Something goes wrong, and they are hurled across time.

This is one of those movies where the script by far exceeds the capabilities of cast, crew and budget. To their credit, they spent their money wisely, so the few sets and effects don't look too bad. However, it does mean that most of the movie consists of a handful of people saying uninspired lines standing about in one of two sets. The rest is made up from  footage of other movies. Not quite as bad as the Wizard of Mars, but not very good either.

[zombie no.one]

SATAN'S BLOOD (1978)

bought this purely on the strength of Jean-Piquer 'PIECES' Simon's involvement as producer... PIECES it is not.

a sadly limp single-setting creaky eurosleaze satanic panic giallo-cum-softcore ouija board-'em-up, partially rescued by inept dubbing.

rips off Argento's creepy doll scene from DEEP RED.

[Trevor]

LASERBLAST, the MST3K version 😄