RECENT VIEWINGS (Bad Movie Thread!)

[Rev. Powell]

HORRORS OF SPIDER ISLAND (1960): Why have I seen this terrible movie so many times? More times than CASABLANCA, more times than 8 1/2, more times than VERTIGO? Anyway, I finally got my hands on the "hot" German version with nudity intact. I has sort of thought this was an urban legend like the "hot" version of BARBARELLA, because everyone talked about it but no one actually had a copy. Until Severin put it out on Blu-ray, that is. The nude scenes are there (Severin edited the uncut German language scenes into the English language print, so we wouldn't lose that wonderful dubbing). There is a long topless dance, you see a lot more during the skinny-dipping scene, and one of the ladies even briefly flashes pubic hair because she ain't wearin' underwear. Must have been dynamite sleaze in 1960. A lot of padding was cut for the English version, too (the cut version still drags, of course). Classic crap. 1.5/5.

[M.10rda]

THE HOUSEMAID (2025):
Madame had read the book (or book series) and was looking forward to this, so we watched it on the plane to Florida. It's similarly themed and similarly surprisingly grisly to Zoe Kravitz' BLINK TWICE... actually a lot less grisly than that unexpected gruefest though still more bloody than I'd expect from what looked like a Lifetime original movie released in theaters. What I'll say for HOUSEMAID is that it's definitely a glossy, high-budget production that is shot and edited and directed and performed like a real movie, which makes one briefly overlook the fact that the plot  (which I will generally spoil here) makes no sense whatsoever.

So, an apparently desperate young woman is hired as the housekeeper and nanny for a wealthy couple and their 7-year old daughter. The wife almost immediately begins behaving like a psychotic maniac, so the housemaid has an affair w/ the hunky husband, but then he turns out to be a sadistic psychopath as well, and it turns out that the wife hired the housemaid (who is a former murderer!) in the hopes that the couple's combined psychotic behavior would inevitably drive the housemaid to murder the sadistic husband. Obviously that plan inherently seems like flying all the way to India just to get a cup of Darjeeling tea, but besides its counter-intuitive inconvenience, how could the wife know that the housemaid wouldn't murder her, instead? I certainly wanted to murder the wife after only about 20 minutes of her histrionics! Plus I haven't yet mentioned a final twist by which the eventual murderer/s narrowly and unwittingly escape detection of their sloppy crime because the most convenient investigating police officer possible happens to coincidentally arrive at the crime scene, totally beyond the guilty party's expectations. 

Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy a completely insane plot as long as I am somehow invested in or entertained by the character(s). But there's HOUSEMAID's biggest problem: the wife is completely unlikable (in spite of an honestly pretty good performance from Amanda Seyfried), the husband is completely loathsome, the husband's hilariously petty mother (Elizabeth McGovern, fully transformed into Stockard Channing) is similarly unsympathetic, the 7-year old daughter (who looks more like 10-11) is the least sympathetic/most unlikable member of the family, and the housemaid is played by eugenics enthusiast Sydney Sweeney. 

In other words, it was a tough two-hour flight.    1.5/5

[M.10rda]

THE PAPERBOY (2012):
A total impulse watch, as if my subconscious clocked my reaction to HOUSEMAID's bonkers plot and then compelled me towards another major motion picture willing and able to tell HOUSEMAID to Hold Its Beer. Also I was in Orlando, FL and had spent the day at a park named "Gatorland" and THE PAPERBOY also takes place in Florida and really captured the whole vibe down there. My wife (who used to live in Florida) has spoken of this film to me for years, in hushed tones - not reverently, but more from like PTSD or something.

Zac Efron is the eponymous adult paperboy who investigates a possible wrongful conviction by a bunch of racist redneck lawmen who falsified evidence and lied under oath. That's the plot but it's kind of besides the point, I suppose. More notably, John Cusack has a prolonged brutal sex (?) scene w/ a crying Nicole Kidman. Matthew McConaughey tells Cusack "I'm your pants" and then becomes the victim of a much bloodier PULP FICTION pawnshop basement scenario. Kidman squats over and pees on Efron's face. In the end, it's implied that the racist redneck lawmen were justified in their injust actions.   

Director Lee Daniels (who is black, somehow) has made some movies I find really tasteless, including PRECIOUS, a film which, in spite of its grossness and meanness, managed to garner a lot of critical acclaim. Daniels followed it w/ this ghastly thing, which understandably nearly ended his career. He must be a nice person though because Cusack and Efron came back (joined by a lot of other famous people) and helped Daniels make THE BUTLER, a decent and serious film. Efron makes little impression here while Kidman and McConaughey act so hard it made me embarrassed and Macy Gray just acts very poorly (to be fair, she's a singer, not really an actor). Cusack, I must say, is pretty good as an appallingly grotesque person. The best performance and most interesting character belongs to David Oyelowo (MLK in SELMA), who appears all too little. The whole movie is chopped and screwed to s**t, suggesting that Daniels et al didn't even know what they were going for on-set and tried to make something of it in post. It is, if nothing else, a remarkable freakshow.

1/5    But again, it depicts Florida quite accurately!

[LilCerberus]

Tonight's Stinker
Irma Vep(1996)
https://youtu.be/IfhgwUBVgkQ?si=wFyMXOWsHgCwxCZV

A French director has been tasked with doing a remake of Les Vampires(1915), and he's hired a Sino/English actress known for a string of low budget kung fu movies...
The first thirty minutes is all about behind the scenes chaos, as the actress can't speak French... About thirty minutes in, the real drama unfolds, as a lesbian Costume Designer gets a crush on her, & the director has a nervous breakdown...

A lot of hand-held wobbly cam trying to catch the panorama of the room, which gave me a headache while trying to read the subtitles....
To be honest with you, I've seen more than my fair share of "behind the scenes chaos" films at local film festivals, particularly at 48hr film festivals, and I couldn't stop thinking about that, even after some of the characters were fleshed out & rumors & gossip about them where revealed.....

[M.10rda]

Stinker?! That's Maggie Cheung and Olivier Assayas you're casting stinkspersions on! 

[LilCerberus]

Stinker?! That's Maggie Cheung and Olivier Assayas you're casting stinkspersions on! 

I'm sure some effort & money were put into this film, much more than the "on set chaos" shorts I've sat through, I just feel like I've already seen too many of them.....