THE BEST MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 riffs

[Nukie 2]

Eegah!

[Close up of a smiling Arch Hall Jr.]

Joel: "Ahhh he's smiling!"


Manos: The Hands of Fate

[Torgo fondling woman]

Crow: "The itsy bitsy spiiiider..."

[daugter lies down on couch]

Joel: " I'm beat, I'm gonna hit the stain!"

[daughter puts something dubious into her poodles mouth]

Joel: "Hey Mom can Snuffy eat this silver fish?"


The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and became Teenage Zombies

[Dance routine surrounded by an audience in a tent]

Mike: "Guess the genders and win a free cocktail".

[Dancers move stiffly, female dancer twirls into male dancers arms]

Tom Servo: "Please the Furors out there tonight!"

[Male dancer makes strange swatting moves]

Crow:" I'm a big p***y-cat!"

[Large audience applauds]

Tom: " Hmmm, must be free chicken wings tonight."

[Rev. Powell]

TOUCH OF SATAN

[During a romantic walk in the moonlight Melissa playfully runs from Jody and stops by the edge of the pond.]
Melissa: This is where the fish lives.
Jody: Why did you run?
TOM [as Melissa]: 'Cause this is where the fish lives.
Melissa: Felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that so I ran.
MIKE [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[They start to kiss]
CROW [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives.
TOM [as Melissa]: Please, not in front of the fish!
MIKE [as Jody]; Hey, your hoof is on my sneaker.
CROW [as Jody]: Oh, that was really bad.
Melissa: Tell me about yourself, who you are, all of that.
TOM [as Melissa]: Where your fish lives...
Jody: Well, my father's a Russian count.  When the Bolsheviks came in...
Melissa: Stop it.
Jody: You don't believe that?
Melissa: No.
Jody: Well, it could be true.
Melissa: Stop it.
MIKE [as Jody]: Oh, sure, Miss "This is where the fish lives."

[Trevor]

MITCHELL:

Joel: "Ah...the spotted cuckoo's flying backwards. It's a cold day for pontooning." 

------------------------

I'm not sure what the riffed movie is.....

Joel: [carrying Tom into the theatre, sees Roger Corman's credit appearing onscreen] "That's it, we're doomed."

[ChaosTheory]

A couple more from MITCHELL
Tom <singing to tune of "Saturday in the Park"> "Mobsters laughin' really smilin', man selling heroin"

Crow (after Goons beat up Mitchell) "Oh, sorry, we thought you were Jim Rockford."


From SPACE MUTINY

Crow (as Calgon shoves a random guy) "Stupid freshmen!"

Leah to Chunkhead "You really are stubborn."
Mike (as Chunkhead) "Does that mean I'm cut?"


From the ALPHABET ANTICS short

Tom: "D is for Damned, Village of."

Tom: "N is for float - wait, huh?"

Tom: "O is for Once there was a writers' strike?"

Joel: "P is for Plagiarized from Ogden Nash!"

[AndyC]

Also from Mitchell, with the old lady who is unwittingly smuggling drugs in her luggage. Spoken in a sweet old lady voice, of course.

"I just felt the balloon break!"

"We're going to control the ghetto, you and I."

And another good one:

"Andy Kaufman! You so stupid!"

[Rev. Powell]

THE FINAL SACRIFICE (some repeats, I'm sure)


CROW: So, Rowsdower, is that a stupid name, or...

TROY: Rowsdower, were you always a drifter?
ZAP: No.
TROY: What were you before?
CROW: Well, I used to give plasma...

TROY: You knew my father?
MIKE [as Pipper]: Knew him?  He was delicious!

[Rowsower drinks a beer and watches the sunset with a contemplative expression]
CROW: I wonder if there's beer on the sun?

[judge death]

"Diabolik"

Room full of people laughing hysterically. "Dan Quayle announces his candidacy."

(Dan Quayle jokes are IMMORTAL!!)

[ChaosTheory]

(Don't think these have been mentioned, if so, apologies.)

From MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS:

Merlin (about to leave to find the evil monkey toy): "Don't I get a kiss?"
Mrs. Merlin: "You'll get more than that if you don't find that toy!"
Crow: "Did she just threaten him with sex?"

Servo randomly mimicking Merlin's "You're welcome"

"Saint Merlin not officially recognized by the Catholic Church."

[retrorussell]

Some more FINAL SACRIFICE:

Mike (as Troy, happily singing): I'm gonna get water for Rowsdower.. Rowsdower wants me to get water for him..

Mike (as Rowsdower, looking quizzically at Pipper): Could I drink him? ...Nah.

Pipper: Go home.  Forget about the cult.  Don't let it ruin your life too!
Rowsdower: It already has.
Crow (as Rowsdower): Look at my hair!

(Rowsdower tries to start truck)
Mike (as truck revving): RowsdowerrrERrrERrrERrr..

[WingedSerpent]

From The Deadly Bees:
Farmer returns to his farm where his wife has been stung to death
Crow: One Day I'll come home and you'll be dead and..hey look it!

From Price of Space:
One of the scientist looking angrly at the Phantom of Krankor:
Mike(in a tough guy voice): I'm going to mess you up.

[AndyC]

Servo: "Mighty Jack, the story of a brave pancake, starring Aunt Jemima and Flap the Wonder Dog.

[AndyC]

Zombie Nightmare:

Teen (to the broadly drawn Italian stereotype): What happened Mr. Peters?
Servo: Peters?
Mike: Hank Peters, Italian grocer!

Voodoo Woman: I need de blood from a live animal.
Servo: And de lime in de coconut.

(Punk chucks a handful of spaghetti in his mom's face)
Servo: Didn't stick. Must not be done.

Motorhead's Ace of Spades: You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby.
Servo: So, he's mad because he's losing, but that's the way he likes it?
Crow: Well, then everything works out.

(Rampaging zombie with a baseball bat)
Servo: George Romero's Casey at the Bat!

[Rev. Powell]

SOULTAKER

Father: The doctors have declared my daughter...
TOM: Patient of the month!
Father: ...brain dead.

Lots of jokes based on the fact that the female lead also wrote the screenplay.

Zach: Your mom, she's fine.  She's at the hospital.
Natalie: What?!
MIKE: Hey, you wrote this crap.

[Natalie reclines on her bed]
TOM: Interior: bedroom. Me. Draped across the bed, tousled but tawny. I lay there, hand on my taut tummy. Still pretty, in a worried kind of way.  Zoom in on my prettiness...

[Rev. Powell]

MERLIN'S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS

CROW: Merlin was a thieving crackhead who fenced VCRs to feed his habit.

MIKE: Why couldn't the monkey just arrange this from inside the garbage can?

CROW: St. Merlin is not recognized by the Catholic Church.

Recurring jokes about how Ernest Borgnine "wrote" the screenplay:

CROW: Grandpa Borgnine, please!  Not another subplot!

CROW [in Ernest Borgnine voice]: I also have a script called "Chinatown," but I don't like it as much.

[Rev. Powell]

Didn't see any FUTURE WAR:

[Hero appears]
CROW: Hey, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme!
MIKE: No, it's more like Jean-Claude Gosh-Darn.

[Robert Z'Dar's name appears in the credits]
TOM: Oh Z'no!

[the credit sequence is really, really long...]
TOM: See, this is what happens when you de-regulate credits.

[kickboxing sight gag]
TOM: My trained weenie will finish you off!

SISTER ANNE: I've done things I'm not proud of.
CROW: That's why I keep a scrapbook!

TOM: So that's how you kill an android!  You wipe a length of thin pipe across his abdomen!

[Z'dar crashes through the wall into a Catholic shrine]
TOM: The Lutherans create a cyborg.

[character inexpliably loses his shirt in the middle of a fight scene]
TOM: My shirt was knocked off!