RECENT VIEWINGS (Bad Movie Thread!)

[M.10rda]

I think Dr. Whom pegged it dead to rights. It's got the intelligence and style of a Hallmark Christmas movie, just injected w/ occasional scenes of Santa getting brutally beaten, shot, stabbed, etc, and then Santa fighting back of course. Not a good film, and far less satisfying as both an action movie and a Christmas movie than DIE HARD  upon which it is closely patterned. But David Harbour is a lovable Santa. I love Santa in any case however and I'm about as interested in watching Santa get his s**t f**ked up as I was watching Jesus get tortured in PASSION OF THE CHRIST. 

[indianasmith]

I went to see VIOLENT NIGHT in the theaters when it came out and was thoroughly amused!  Maybe I just have a low entertainment threshold.

[M.10rda]

it's also possible that I am a snob!  Merry Christmas! 

[Dr. Whom]

I went to see VIOLENT NIGHT in the theaters when it came out and was thoroughly amused!  Maybe I just have a low entertainment threshold.

Well, it is a case of the glass being half full or half empty, but for me the tonal shifts ruined it. Also, I kept thinking 'Ready or Not did this so much better'. I wonder how the pitch meeting went

- so, through the interaction with the little girl, the jaded Santa finds the spirit of Christmas again?
- Yup
- and what does he do then?
- Well, he kills a whole bunch of people with a sledgehammer.

[M.10rda]

LOL!

For a film that's barely 4 years old, READY OR NOT already has earned some kind of status as the positive point of reference for many lesser films. I saw THE INVITATION a year ago - not the superb Karyn Kusama film but the Nathalie Emmanuel vs Dracula one - and kept thinking the same thing as Dr. Whom thought about VIOLENT NIGHT: Why'd they bother making this junk when READY OR NOT already did it so much better? 

[M.10rda]

My pre-New Year's resolution: shorter reviews! 

THE H-MAN (1958):
This nice-looking, full-color Toho production seemed like a highly festive post-Christmas late night treat, but realistically it's pretty bad. It boasts all the atomic age anxiety of the original GOJIRA and then some, yet too often it loses sight of the monstrous threat in favor of police procedural, crime melodrama, and showgirls performing nightclub numbers.    The "H-Man" or "Men" itself/himself/themselves are cool...  basically green versions of THE BLOB (which was released the same year, thus might've inspired H-MAN) who occasionally manifest as green spectral humanoids. They melt victims with their touch, allowing for some fun death FX (that resemble a PG-rated progenitor to STREET TRASH's gooey gore). And there's a spooky sequence aboard a ghost ship, w/ sailors discovering the H-Men and their victims. Otherwise, H-MAN devotes way too much time to its A-plot about one H-Man's human girlfriend and former criminal partners trying to recover his stolen stash of gold, or... something. The H-Men keep turning up to absorb/dissolve crooks, cops, and whoever else is pursuing the stash, leading one to wonder....... What exactly do radioactive mutant freaks care about contraband, revenge, et al? In spite of too many long cutaways to egghead scientists pontificating about atomic energy in their laboratory, this mysterious point is never made clear. Also puzzling: how the police decide to address the H-Man threat by finally setting the entire sewer system ablaze, creating an inferno which appears to break out into open civic waters and threaten the city, w/ no clear evidence that this rash maneuver has successfully neutralized any (let alone all) H-Men. Nevertheless one egghead scientist declares that "these H-Men are as good as dead" while hedging his bets to warn that more H-Men could return in the future. Good job, a***ole!

2.5/5
The literal translation of the original Japanese title is "BEAUTY AND THE LIQUID MONSTER" and that's apropos as the ex-girlfriend gets about 10 Xs as much screentime as the monster(s).

[chainsaw midget]

Saw two Christmas movies that I hadn't previously watched. 

Santa Who?
It starred Leslie Neilson as an amnesiac Santa.  Not his best work, but even in something like this, he has charm. 

I also watched a Christmas Karen.
That's a fun little movie.  It's a take on A Christmas Carol except set in Florida and featuring one of those modern day horrible Karen people.  I enjoyed their takes on the Three Ghosts and Marley.

[M.10rda]

TENTACLES (1977):
Of the many Bad Movies I watched as a child, this was among those that I disliked the most. Somehow I was motivated to revisit it during my vacation movie binging and it's more disappointing than I even remember, due to a few laudable elements amidst the otherwise abominable filmmaking.

Ovidio Assonitis clearly had no interest in making a killer squid-headlined JAWS-alike and thus the most interesting aspects of TENTACLES take place on dry land and usually during dialogue sequences. He choreographs and shoots/edits a mighty peppy parade complete w/ marching band and majorettes, which of course has nothing whatsoever to do w/ the squid or its victims. Top-billed John Houston never gets on a boat as an investigative reporter who, dang it, is pretty sure that corporateer Henry Fonda's research operation has something to do w/ all the waterfront disappearances. Huston is 100% committed and makes all the most hollow pronouncements sound sincere and compelling; he's much better than this crap deserves. Meanwhile Fonda appears onscreen with only one other live actor, playing most of his scenes on the phone and offering cagey line readings that suggest he'd only skimmed the scenes his character appeared in and ignored the rest of the screenplay. (Smart move!)

Bo Hopkins rounds out the leads in the Hooper/Quint role, sometimes delivering an interesting, stoned-Woody Harrelson-kinda' performance, other times just looking hung over and bored. Unfortunately Houston is completely absent from the last 25 minutes or so of the film (no, he doesn't get eaten) and instead Hopkins and his two pet killer whales (!) pursue and fight the squid in a near-totally incomprehensible montage of underlit thrashing and rubber appendages. The squid itself is glimpsed even less frequently than Bruce the Shark, though to less effect. Shelley Winters receives much more screentime, serving no purpose whatsoever except (maybe) to deliver more onscreen terror value than the generally unseen squid. This is easily the most unwelcome Shelley Winters appearance I've seen. In one sequence she wears an enormous sombrero.  

Besides Houston's enjoyable performance, TENTACLES' greatest boons are its highly unusual underscore (which is often in amusing counterpoint to the onscreen action) and its quite thoughtful landlocked cinemaphotography, particularly in dialogue scenes... lots of subtle camera movement, lots of extreme foreground/background deep focus compositions. There's one key extended take where the shot opens on police boats arriving onshore at night, then cranes up and back to reveal dozens of rubberneckers... pans left, then zooms back in on Houston getting his cigar lit by a hippie... and then past Houston to rest on a grieving Hopkins. The shot lasts much longer than it needs to or should, which is a choice, and the underscore is this bizarre yet peppy Euro-tune that's totally discordant for the death of a major character, but that's a choice, too. And if you watched it out of context you'd think you were watching a scene from an Antonioni art film or something. As soon as the action moves to the water, all that conscious artistry, for good or ill, goes away and it's just an incompetent monster movie again.

1.5/5
I think I had more fun watching Julia Roberts dance in LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND than watching Shelley Winters in this... yech.

[lester1/2jr]

Backcountry (2014) - There is one vaguely interesting scene in this where a macho tour guide makes a play for the main character's girlfriend right in front of him. It's clever and primal. When the boyfriend suggests they cook up some veggies to go with the massive amount of fish the macho guy brought, the macho guy says "no, potatoes would be better" the girlfriend says "I'll serve both". Did you catch that? Adrian Lyne would be proud.

Unfortunately, the rest of the movie is one boring survival cliche after another. Apparently, it's based on a true story, but I don't want to see a true story. I want to see a good movie.

2/5

was in the "highly rated by rotten tomatoes" section at Tubi. They can have it.

[Alex]

The Demon.

If memory serves correctly, Trevor has repeatedly assured me that this movie represents the high point of South African celluloid culture. Yes, I am sure that is how he described it.

So yeah, there is a thing going on with a serial killer and a psychic ex-marine. The version I am watching is on YouTube and has any hint of nudity blurred out. Even when someone is fully dressed they might be blurred out, I guess on the off chance that the film might change since it was last watched and someone unexpectedly gets naked I guess?

I think I have lost wherever the plot was going though.

[Trevor]

The Demon.

If memory serves correctly, Trevor has repeatedly assured me that this movie represents the high point of South African celluloid culture. Yes, I am sure that is how he described it.

So yeah, there is a thing going on with a serial killer and a psychic ex-marine. The version I am watching is on YouTube and has any hint of nudity blurred out. Even when someone is fully dressed they might be blurred out, I guess on the off chance that the film might change since it was last watched and someone unexpectedly gets naked I guess?

I think I have lost wherever the plot was going though.

The 35mm version at the film archives wasn't much better quality either 🤧😝😉😉

[javakoala]

"That Man Bolt" (1973)

Okay, this movie gets credit for Fred Williamson in his prime having a great time playing a super-cool badass. He makes it entertaining, and you want good things for his character.

That being said...WOW! This script is a mess. It makes no real sense. I think someone got drunk/stoned, had a lot of fantasies of The Hammer doing cool stuff, then they found the flimsiest ways to string all those fun scenes together. Total nonsense.

Still, it was great to see Teresa Graves acting sexy and John Orchard (Ugly John from the first season of the "M*A*S*H" TV series) looking flustered in nearly every scene he is in.

Just sit back, drink something intoxicating, and turn your brain off.

[javakoala]

"Morbid" (2013)

Not to be confused with the 2022 film with the same name, though it is interesting to note this film has a score of 3.8 on IMDb and the 2022 film (with a more polished look) only has a 3.4 rating.

A psycho is out killing people in a small town while everyone is focused on the local football star and the big game.

You don't see the game. The killing doesn't seem to be connected to anything. The actors are more confused than the plot. The camera work and editing are total crap. The film sticks absurd humor into scenes where it falls flat then tries to pretend it is a moderately serious slasher at other times. Budget must have been around $500 bucks, and most of that likely went for beer to entice the non-actors to be filmed.

Yet, somehow, I sat through the whole thing. I didn't like myself for doing so, but I figured someone should watch it if the hicks that made it had the gall to actually release if for public consumption. While the three-foot schlong towards the end was different, the best scene is where the killer bursts into a room of partying teens (all six or seven of them) from what is clearly a closet. Oh, the implications there!

It is on Tubi. Believe it or not, the commercial interruptions actually make the film bearable because you need a break from the stench of this turd.

[javakoala]

"Morbid" (2022)

After watching the other one, I just had to watch this one. To be honest, I wish I had just rewatched the other "Morbid".

This started well enough. A group of young women who were best friends reunite on Halloween to bond a seemingly broken friendship. Things went south when one of them went on some world tour to save...whatever.

Anyway, the one who went on the world tour brought back a game called Morbid from Japan. The game had been outlawed. We find out why.

They play the game. Then we get each girl's perception of the outcome. Sounds like it could work in some "Rashomon" style story telling. But not in the hands of these filmmakers. You get stilted dialogue, limp acting, poor editing, and needless confusion. All of it mired in utter tedium. You will struggle to stay awake. Trust me.

The only upside is that the girls are actually attractive, though the girl playing Ashley, the white-haired anime "Goth" girl, looks like current-day Kirsten Dunst -- pretty, but looking WAY older than the other girls in the film. That's fine. I think Kirsten is hot, even though rumor is that she is a cigarette sucker, which is disgusting.

The beginning and the very end of the film tend to be interesting because it focuses on trick-or-treaters coming to the house where the bulk of the film takes place. These kids are entertaining. The rest of the film -- not so much.

Smoke some crank and you might avoid being put to sleep by this movie. Otherwise, avoid, avoid, avoid.

[M.10rda]

I read this review 2.5 hours ago but one bit is still pestering me.......

"Morbid" (2013)

While the three-foot schlong towards the end was different,

.......How exactly does the errr three-foot schlong come into play? Is it relevant to the murders...? To the big game...? Or is the schlong non-diegetic.......? I might lose sleep over this.