The truly terrible joke thread

[ghouck]

Michael J Fox goes into a ice cream parlor and says "Gimme an ice cream". The guy behind the counter says "What flavor"? Michael J Fox replies: "It doesn't matter, I'm just going to drop it on the ground"

[Joe the Destroyer]

A woman calls her kids, a boy and a girl, into the kitchen to eat dinner.  They sit down and stare at their food, grilled sausages in buns. 

The boy takes a bite and says, "What kind of sausage is this?"

Mom says, "Oh, it's special meat.  It's venison."

"What's venison?" the girl asks.

"I'll give a hint: it's what I call your father sometimes."

The boy throws his on the table and yells, "Spit it out, Sally, it's made of a***oles!"

[diamondwaspvenom]

Dear God,

This year, I want a large bank account and a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

[Mr. DS]

A late Michael Jackson joke. 

Did you hear that Michael Jackson wanted to be cremated and put into a box of Rice Krispies?

He wanted to get the feeling of going through a 10 year old's @ss one last time.

(what?  check the title of the thread)

[Mr. DS]

One more awful MJ joke I heard today...

Whats the difference between a shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is white, made of plastic and dangerous to children and the other you can carry groceries in.

[bob]

What do snails do when they fight?

They slug it out.

[Leah]

what's the difference between Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj? One has some talent that a few people here like, the other looks like a robot

[Doc Daneeka]

What do middle-eastern zombies say?

BAAHHHRAAAIIIINSSSS

[Umaril The Unfeathered]

What did Dracula say when a fellow vampire yelled at him for accidentally stumbling into his crypt?

"It wasn't my vault.."

[Newt]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. 

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal  his stained T-shirt underneath.

With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[Hammock Rider]

A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them they could ride their bikes there.  Also, Janie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice bodies and wore tight pants.

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[diamondwaspvenom]

*Disclaimer* I've got nothing against Michael Jackson. I think he's extremely talented and deserves the title of the King of Pop.

Anyway, on with the joke:

When Farah Fawcett died and went to heaven, she asked God to make sure that the children of the world are safe.




Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.

[Leah]

Santa Claus was arrested today when he allegedly pointed at three girls and went ho ho ho. news at ten.

[Raffine]

Why did the couple get a divorce the day after their 75th wedding anniversary?

They wanted to wait until all the children were dead.


Why does it not take lesbians a long time to have sex?

Because they make love lickety split.


Why do kittens make good television announcers?

Because they have wee paws for station identification.

[Rev. Powell]

I went to my therapist and told him I had an addiction to Twitter. 

He said he didn't follow me.