The truly terrible joke thread

[Mofo Rising]

I have no idea why this next joke makes me laugh so much, but I giggle every time I remember it.

So a young man has a date lined up and he is extremely nervous. He asks his father for advice and he tells him, "There are three conversational gambits that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

So he goes on the date, and it's just nothing but awkward silences. Clearly a train wreck, but then he remembers his father's advice.

He asks his date, "Do you like potato pancakes?" She replies, "No." and then they're right back to the awkward silence.

He asks, "Do you have a brother?" With an audible sigh, she answers "No."

Last gambit, he asks, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

[Leah]

Heard what happened to the fireworks store that caught on fire? It went out with a BANG!

[Mofo Rising]

Why is Six afraid of Seven?

Better question, is Fincher afraid of The Human Centipede?

Q: Why is six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven has cold, dead eyes.

[Mofo Rising]

This is a joke I got from The Amazing Jonathan off the extras of The Aristocrats DVD. He told as his litmus test joke to find out whether the person he was talking to was cool. I've found it fits that bill rather well.

So a guy is meeting an old friend he hasn't seen for quite a while. He meets him at a restaurant, and when his friend walks in he has this gigantic and round orange head. Alarmed, he immediately asks what's up with the gigantic orange head.

"That my friend, is a long story.

"What happened, is I found a bottle on the beach. Curious, I picked it up and rubbed some of the sand off of it. Immediately a genie popped out and claimed that he would grant me three wishes.

"My first wish was for untold riches. What happened is that a patent for a new technology I was working on was granted, and I was able to leverage that into a multinational corporation that is the height of the business world, I'm a millionaire multiple times over.

"My second wish was for true love. As a result of my business success, I met a beautiful, intelligent woman. We've married and we've got two beautiful children, I could not possibly be happier."

The guy is considerably impressed, but he still has to ask about the head.

"Well, that brings me to my third wish, and here's where I think I went horribly wrong. What I did is wish for a giant round orange head."

[Chainsawmidget]

The sign said janitors lounge. 

So we did. 

[Leah]

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.

[Jack]

During class, a teacher asked the boys the following question: "If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?"

A boy named Michael raised his hand first and said, "I would tell her, just a minute, I have to go pee really quick, I'll be right back!" "That would be very rude and impolite," the teacher responded.

Next a boy named Peter raised his hand and said, "Excuse me, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table," replied the teacher.

Then, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I would say darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner!" The teacher fainted.

[A_Dubya]

So, I've been dating a magician lately. She's pretty good too. The other day we were driving, and she started rubbing my leg. I turned into a motel.

[VenomX73]

"Knock, knock," West said.
"Who's there? George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman who? Congratulations, you're on the jury."

Now that folks - is a truly terrible joke

[Trevor]

I had pelican curry the other day. The meal was nice but the bill was enormous. 

[retrorussell]

What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's fingers!

[VenomX73]

Miss Piggy: HEeeeY!

[zombie no.one]

DAD: "What did you do at school today, Johnny?"

JOHNNY: "I had sex with my teacher."

DAD: "Ha-ha...what are you, 14 years old? And you had sex with your teacher? That's my boy! Tell you what, I'm gonna buy you that shiny red bike you've been saving up for, lets go get it now and you can ride it home!"

JOHNNY: "I don't think so Dad, my ass still hurts."

[Leah]

^My body hurts from laughing so hard! 

[Leah]

I don't always use Titanic jokes, but when I do, I use them to break the ice.