Make a sentence you're pretty sure no-one's said before!

[ER]

I feel like Edvard Munch's Scream on a morning he had three pots of espresso and sat on a fire ant hill coated in honey.

[retrorussell]

I once bit a beaver on the prostate; he turned around and gave me a crisp 20 dollar bill for my efforts.

[ER]

I need a Hallmark card to cheer up a hangman who just lost his job to an electric chair.

[retrorussell]

Clowns have evil poop.

[ER]

"Don't be irate, you exaggerate, for I'm not a liar," claimed Rose McGuire, pants on fire, her vulpine nose outgrowing her elephantine toes.

[retrorussell]

If I stub my toe on a 6-pack of Fresca, does that spell bad luck for your dog, giving it herpes?

[ER]

Aunt Bea's skanky!

[retrorussell]

In the news: orangutans invade Mars, bipolar rats flood the streets of Geneva and my nose is on fire.

[ER]

And so like boiling vinegar the crackling seas rose into the crystal heavens and thousands died enlightened, aged monks crying chants in proto-Hebrew, young mothers on melting mountaintops recalling their wildest childhoods in moments of orgiastic abandonment, all well pleased, for verily t'was Christmas morning in the last age of fond hearts, and all succumbed well who did succumb in the grace of the scolded wormlet, the orange-headed latter-day god, forgiving of trespasses, condemning of presumptions, called forward into destructive being by the hopeful nightmares of the final generation, moribund in their corruption, and crowned in fire and toothpaste was He the inheritor of a purified earth in that roseate dawn of the first morning of the age of post-humankind: amen!

[retrorussell]

Sacriligeous seahorses ripping the floorboards.. myopic monkeys in the sewer pipes.. my roof being eaten by enigmatic earwigs and my air conditioning being urinated upon by hyperactive hyenas.. I'm a sad, sad antelope.

[ER]

As the devil shook my hand, I noticed the ring on his finger was the one my father was wearing when we buried him.

[indianasmith]

It's good to see America so unified and conflict-free.

[ER]

"It only hurts the first time," he said, as he pulled the trigger on the revolver pressed against my skull.

[indianasmith]

Ya know, ER, technically that one is true 90% of the time!

[ER]

She thought the soles of his feet were tattooed, but a closer look revealed the scars of burns he'd brought back with him from the cartel's dungeons.