The truly terrible joke thread

[ER]

What's the name of the devil's house?

Fallen Graceland.

[Jack]

You guys hear about the girl who got lost in King Tut's tomb?

Nine months later she was a mummy!   

[Chainsawmidget]

A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits a long time in line, but he eventually gets the tickets.  He goes to rent a suit and there's a really long line at the shop, so he has to wait.  Eventually he gets a suit.  Then he goes to rent a limo.  There's a really long line, but eventually he gets a limo.  Finally he goes to buy her flowers.  There's a long line at the florists, but he eventually gets the flowers. 

Arriving at the prom, his date says she's thirsty and asks him to get her a cup of punch.  He goes to the table and is surprised. 

There's no punchline. 

[Trevor]

A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits a long time in line, but he eventually gets the tickets.  He goes to rent a suit and there's a really long line at the shop, so he has to wait.  Eventually he gets a suit.  Then he goes to rent a limo.  There's a really long line, but eventually he gets a limo.  Finally he goes to buy her flowers.  There's a long line at the florists, but he eventually gets the flowers. 

Arriving at the prom, his date says she's thirsty and asks him to get her a cup of punch.  He goes to the table and is surprised. 

There's no punchline. 

[Umaril Has Returned]

A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits a long time in line, but he eventually gets the tickets.  He goes to rent a suit and there's a really long line at the shop, so he has to wait.  Eventually he gets a suit.  Then he goes to rent a limo.  There's a really long line, but eventually he gets a limo.  Finally he goes to buy her flowers.  There's a long line at the florists, but he eventually gets the flowers. 

Arriving at the prom, his date says she's thirsty and asks him to get her a cup of punch.  He goes to the table and is surprised. 

There's no punchline. 

Oooooo....that one was bad!   

So, one day, a young boy asked his father for advice about sex, and how he should prepare for it. His father told him to go in the woods and find a tree with a hole in it, and do the usual thing.  He goes and does that. 

And so a few days later when he was with his girlfriend, he tells her to bend over, and when she does, he kicks her in her ass as hard as he can.

"What the hell was that for?" she screams

He says "I'm not stupid, this time I'm checking for bees!"

[ER]

How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish.

[Jack]

I like your name.

Thanks, I got it for my birthday.

[ER]

What's the difference in a neutered puppy and a southerner talking about the Civil War?

Eventually the puppy will quit whining about what he lost.

[indianasmith]

ROFLMAO!! That is a good one!

[alandhopewell]

      Guy bursts intio a psychiatrist's office, running around in a circle, waving his arms in the air, and yelling, "DOC! You gotta help me! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam-"

    Calm down, sir", says the shrink, "You're TWO TENTS!"

What has four legs and chases cats?

Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.

      A dentist is preparing to close his office for the weekend when he notices he's out of Novacaine. His assistant has already left, and his wife is waiting to join him for a weekend getaway, so he figures he'll order more on Monday.

  Just as he's headed to the door, there's a loud knocking. He opens it, and a man rushes in, exclaiming, "Doc, I broke a tooth, and you gotta take out what's left!"

The doctor explains to the man that he's just leaving, and besides, he has no anesthetic. The guy says, "I don't care, I can take the pain". So, impelled by the wad of hundreds the man produces, the dentist goes to work. Sure enough, the man never so much as grunts.

      Impressed, the dentist says, "I've never seen anyone deal with pain like that before". "That's nothin'," says the man, "once, I was out hunting, and I accidentally sat on a beartrap". "WOW", exclaims the dentist, "that must have been the worst pain you've ever felt!"  "Nope," says the man, "the worst pain was when I jumped up, ran three steps, and hit the end of that chain."

[Chainsawmidget]

A guy bought a ticket to the zoo.  He headed to the monkey cages first, but when he got there they were empty.  Then he headed to the reptile house, but it didn't have any reptiles in it either.  He looked around but there were no giraffes, no hippos, no alligators, no zebras, no nothing.  The only animal he could find it the whole zoo was a dog.  

It was a sh*tzu.




(sorry if the board censor messes up the punchline a little.)

[Josso]

What do lawyers wear?

Law suits.

[zombie no.one]

two nuns having a bath
suddenly there's a knock on the door
"who is it?" one nun shouts
"it's the blind man" came the reply
well they thought if he's blind there's no point getting dried and
dressed, so they told him to come in.
"where would you like these blinds?" asked the man

[retrorussell]

Don't remember if I told this blonde joke here:

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game.  The ref pulls out a quarter and tosses it into the air to determine who defends which goal.  The home team wins and defers.  On the first offensive play from scrimmage the visiting team's quarterback drops back to pass and is harassed by the defense.  The man next to the couple yells, "Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!"
The blonde shushes him and exclaims, "Calm down!  It was only a quarter!"

[Umaril Has Returned]

A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!