The truly terrible joke thread

[AoTFan]

Riddle: On a tombstone it says, "Here lies a lawyer and a honest man."  How is that possible?

They buried two people.


Headline in the paper: "Aging Reversal Definitely Possible Says Baby Scientist."

[AoTFan]

Whenever you're cold, just stand in a corner.  A corner is always 90 degrees.


Bought some shoes from a drug deal.  I dunno what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

[indianasmith]

In the Middle Ages, there was a lake whose shores formed a perfect triangle.  On each shore lay a different kingdom.

The first kingdom was fabulously well-to-do, lacking no material goods.

The second kingdom was moderately prosperous but not rich; they got by.

The third kingdom was destitute and poor.




For years, the three kings had argued over who actually owned the lake and its resources.  Finally, in true medieval fashion, they decided to go to war for it.




The first kingdom fielded a handsome army of a hundred knights dressed in shining steel armor, attended by 200 squires.

The second kingdom sent forth a sturdy army of fifty knights, clad in supple leather armor, armed with iron weapons, attended by 100 squires.

The third kingdom sent forth one elderly knight dressed in rusty chain mail, attended by a single squire.




The knights of the first kingdom held a rich feast the night before the battle, dining on roast suckling pig, glazed peacock's tongues, and drinking rich wines from the king's cellar.

The knights of the second kingdom caught a couple of wild pigs and spit roasted them, drinking several hogsheads of cheap, rotgut mead.

The elderly knight had the best meal his king could offer: a single chicken to split with his squire.  The squire, an enterprising young lad, formed a rope into a noose and tossed it over a limb, suspending the pot high above the fire and slow cooking the bird for his master.




ON the day of the battle, the knights of the first kingdom had miserable indigestion, and spent the day passing a bottle of bismuth back and forth and racing to the privy.

The knights of the second kingdom were too hung over to get out of their bedrolls.

The elderly knight from the third kingdom - well, his arthritis had flared up from sleeping on the cold ground, and he, too, was out of it.




Not wanting to deny their kings the promised battle, the squires decided to fight for the lake themselves.  At the end of the day, the last squire left standing was the elderly knight's squire from the poorest of the three kingdoms.  Thus was proven the ancient law:
The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of both sides.

[AoTFan]

Not wanting to deny their kings the promised battle, the squires decided to fight for the lake themselves.  At the end of the day, the last squire left standing was the elderly knight's squire from the poorest of the three kingdoms.  Thus was proven the ancient law:
The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of both sides.

I'm really tempted to boo you for that.  Not because the joke was bad (which is was) is just you made me read through all of that for THAT punchline.  

[Leah]

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh Mungus, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[AoTFan]

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly some guy in a trench coat came up and flashed them.

The first old lady had a stroke.  The second old lady had a stroke.  The third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

[Flangepart]

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh Mungus, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

I DARE ya to tell that one without flubbing your Fs...I dare ya!

[akiratubo]

I buried a good friend.

Hearing him scream from inside the coffin while I shoveled dirt over it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

[AoTFan]

Once there was a Kingdom that was being devastated by a deadly plague.  The King searched far and wide for a cure when he got word of an old witch who knew how to treat the plague, however, there was a catch: she lived in the Dark Forest.  Upon hearing this, everyone GASPED! The Dark Forest was the home of the deadly Yellow Fingers, bizarre creatures that would spring out of nowhere and strangle any poor soul foolish enough to stumble on their path.

So, the King sent forth his best knight and gave him an order  to enter the Dark Forest and seek out the witch.  The knight promised to do so and left on his quest... and was never heard from again.  So, the King sent his second bravest knight, and, once again, he disappeared shortly after entering the forest.  The king then sent forth his third, fourth, fifth, and even sixth bravest knights in turn, all of them never to be heard from again.  Finally, all the rest of the king's knights (who weren't that brave to being with) went into hiding.

Then one day, a page-a young fellow barely out of boyhood-stepped forward and said that HE would enter the Dark Forest and find the witch.  Everyone in the court laughed at him.  The King said, "How is it that YOU can brave the dangers of the Dark Forest when all my best knights failed?"  

The boy just smiled and asked the King give him a chance.  

So, the King granted his blessing and sent the young Page off, expecting never to hear from him again.  But, surprisingly, two weeks later the boy reappeared with a scroll containing the recipe for the plague's cure.  Everyone was AMAZED!  The King asked the young man, "How do you survive?!"

The fellow smiled and said simply, "From now on, let your Pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers."


(For younger people who might not get the joke...

http://youtu.be/SYpJ1IgGoc0)

[AoTFan]

So, this guy I know saw his dreams of a career in medicine destroyed because of one small indiscretion: he slept with a patient.  Now even with all those years of training, classes, hard work, and, no matter what, he'll never be a vet.

[Leah]

Why do assassins prefer to wear leather? Because it's made of hide.

[Zapranoth]

So I went to the zoo the other day... all they had there was just one dog.  It was a shih tzu.

[javakoala]

So I went to the zoo the other day... all they had there was just one dog.  It was a shih tzu.

One of the best jokes told in Fallout 4!

[Leah]

I p**sed off two men today because I called them hipsters. Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins".

[indianasmith]

The title of my new book is THEOPHILUS: A TALE OF ANCIENT ROME.

I got this note from a friend: "Congrats, Lewis!  I know it'll be great and not 'theophilus' novel ever!"

That one was groan-worthy!