Classic TV Shows Updated To 2020

[ER]

Hogan's Heroes

Instead of taking place in a POW facility, it would be set in a concentration camp, and have a different cast each episode.

[Svengoolie 3]

Scooby Doo

Scooby would be much the same but he'd be forced to appear in extracurricular fashion on those tasteless "I'm Neutered, I'm Cool" PSAs that run at night.

The Mystery Machine would be solar-powered or operate on banana peels or SOME green energy contrivance. Maybe a friendly ghost under the hood?

Shaggy would sport a few tats and piercings, kinda doing a retro Gen-X 90s look, and would never quite be able to smoke boo onscreen but the inside joke that he was doing it between scenes would be writ large.

Fred would be just back from a stint in the Peace Corps, where an encounter with an African bush spirit clued him in on the reality of paranormal, and set him on a path to find out what it's all about.

Daphne would be black. Beyond all doubt, black. She'd be the team's computer expert uploading the episodes onto YouTube, meta fashion. She'd also be vegan.

Velma would be out of the closet and (therefore) twice as smart as in the old days. She might even be Asian. There'd be some explanation for why she wasn't a candidate for LASIK, but if she was made Asian there'd never show her squinting again, that's a given.

Scrappy Doo would have been unmasked as a demon long ago and sent back whence he came, and only appear once or twice a season in impish phantom form, always dispelled back to the ethyr by episode's end, vowing revenge as he vanished.

Guests stars would be regular, from Al Sharpton to Jimmy Fallon to Wanda Sykes to Andy Cohen.

Featured foes would be Slenderman, Momo, the spirit of Joan Rivers, and a Ghost Hunters revival crossover event.

Hey, I'd watch this!

Yeah,  ER, how about this instead?

[ER]

Hogan's Heroes

Instead of taking place in a POW facility, it would be set in a concentration camp, and have a different cast each episode.

Can't believe I got away with this post.

[Svengoolie 3]

Hogan's Heroes

Instead of taking place in a POW facility, it would be set in a concentration camp, and have a different cast each episode.

Can't believe I got away with this post.

Oh FFS ER, someone did a series called "heil honey i'm home."

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heil_Honey_I%27m_Home!

[ER]

Scooby Doo

Scooby would be much the same but he'd be forced to appear in extracurricular fashion on those tasteless "I'm Neutered, I'm Cool" PSAs that run at night.

The Mystery Machine would be solar-powered or operate on banana peels or SOME green energy contrivance. Maybe a friendly ghost under the hood?

Shaggy would sport a few tats and piercings, kinda doing a retro Gen-X 90s look, and would never quite be able to smoke boo onscreen but the inside joke that he was doing it between scenes would be writ large.

Fred would be just back from a stint in the Peace Corps, where an encounter with an African bush spirit clued him in on the reality of paranormal, and set him on a path to find out what it's all about.

Daphne would be black. Beyond all doubt, black. She'd be the team's computer expert uploading the episodes onto YouTube, meta fashion. She'd also be vegan.

Velma would be out of the closet and (therefore) twice as smart as in the old days. She might even be Asian. There'd be some explanation for why she wasn't a candidate for LASIK, but if she was made Asian there'd never show her squinting again, that's a given.

Scrappy Doo would have been unmasked as a demon long ago and sent back whence he came, and only appear once or twice a season in impish phantom form, always dispelled back to the ethyr by episode's end, vowing revenge as he vanished.

Guests stars would be regular, from Al Sharpton to Jimmy Fallon to Wanda Sykes to Andy Cohen.

Featured foes would be Slenderman, Momo, the spirit of Joan Rivers, and a Ghost Hunters revival crossover event.

Hey, I'd watch this!

Yeah,  ER, how about this instead?

Why would I want to reference an image that rips off Buffy, Scooby Doo and possibly Land of the Lost but manages to miss the cheerful spirit of all three while going for short humor aimed at unimaginative misanthropes? Um, I'll pass, but I can see why you like it. 

[Svengoolie 3]

I'm not into it either.  I'm tired if the zombie thing. I thought you might like it and made tge mistake if trying to be nice to you.  I should have known you'd bite.

[ER]

Don't take a shot at me if you can't take one back, Sven.

[Svengoolie 3]

Jeezus,  midol isn't that expensive you know.

[ER]

So how was your Labor Day, Sven? Spend it with lots of family and friends? A girlfriend, maybe? A boyfriend? that special cat in your life?

[Svengoolie 3]

You husband apparently spent it with his favorite female dog.

[ER]

The Dick Van Dyke Show would have a more culturally-sensitive title.

I'm thinking The Rob Petrie Program?

What'd think I was gonna say?

[ER]

If Dallas were re-re-launched today, JR would be a lesbian named J(ane) R(ush) Ewing, and she'd be played by Rainn Wilson in drag.

[ER]

Hey, I like this one!

Californication would feature the dude from The X-Files as the creator of the 2000s most infamous blog, a daily train wreck that from 2002 to 2009 got half a million hits a day as he detailed his drunken existence of womanizing and fistfights back in Manhattan, now dwelling in Los Angeles, where he spends his days morbidly sloshed and in and out of vaginas, trying to live down fame after the movie version of his life story (starring Brad Pitt!) became an improbable hit.

His teenage try-sexual gender-neutral offspring (born female) would be a constant source of worry and unconditional approval for the former blogger, while his sensible long-term girlfriend (mother to his daughter/son/neither) would worry over him and provide the only source of stability the former blogger has ever had.

His longsuffering agent and best buddy would be a bald gay Jewish man with an ex-wife who sounded remarkably like Bobby Hill. This agent/best buddy would harbor a huge erection for crush on the main character, but his feelings, which the blogger totally respected, would be un-reciprocated.

"I like entrances, not exits, buddy," the blogger would chirp once per season or so, usually while slapping his agent on the back and inviting him to go get wasted with him.

The will they or won't they get up one another's bums would power half the series, as this skirt-chasing down and out (but now rich!) New York blogger would bed-hop with women while Mr. Right waited hopefully on the sidelines, pensive and heartsick and spending his nights on gay hookup apps trying to forget a love he figures will never happen.

Spoiler alert! The blogger and his agent would eventually have hot slimy butt sex in the season four finale and it'd make everything awkward, as the blogger would explain his agent and now tryst companion, "Dude, despite what happened, I'm not gay!"

"I dunno, my man, you seemed awfully into my a***ole," the agent will tell him.

A half-season of drama and reflection follows, as does  a near fatal car wreck when the ex-blogger is driving four times the legal limit. He has a near death experience and comes-to realizing love is about your feelings for a person, not a gender, and he figures, hey, vagina, rectum, as long as he can slide in there, he's good, so music swells and he passionately kisses his gay agent right there in the hospital cafeteria, and everyone claps and hoots.

"I am so gonna fist you til you're sore tonight!" the agent whispers in the ex-blogger's ear.

(Hey, I hope this is turning at least some of you on....)

So with girlfriend and offspring's approval and to the sounds of Led Zeppelin's D'yer Maker, booming loud the men run off together in the finale with a sign on the ex-blogger's red sports car that reads "To Vegas!"

Don't you love when the rear of a show gives a happy ending?

Oh, and instead of Californication, it'd be Cornholefornia.

[The Burgomaster]

"All in the Family" would not even get the green light for a pilot episode. And if it did, there would be protests aplenty.

[LilCerberus]

"All in the Family" would not even get the green light for a pilot episode. And if it did, there would be protests aplenty.

I disagree...
It would be an animated series on FOX.