RECENT VIEWINGS (Bad Movie Thread!)

[M.10rda]

Thanks for mentioning that, RC! I had no idea... SPARROWS used to freak me out when I read about it as a kid and I think I finally watched it 20ish years ago but I have little recall about it besides a lot of running around in a swamp towards the end. What do you think of that one?

[RCMerchant]

^I enjoyed it. It had a atmosphere of doom and gloom that was creepy.
About Bela Lugosi's low budget work- I agree Bela is always a shining beacon, turning such drek as the DEVIL BAT (1940), BOWERY AT MIDNIGHT (1942), and the above into a feast of gloating, scowling, and menace. Put anyone else in those films and they would be forgotton and ignored.

[M.10rda]

I actually entirely enjoy BOWERY AT MIDNIGHT! 

INTIMATE CONFESSIONS OF A CHINESE COURTESAN (1972):
This period costume melodrama from the Shaws is pretty slow and didn't much engage me for the most part... even w/ occasional digressions into bondage, sexual assault, (discreet) torture, and an unusual (for the era) love/hate dynamic between two female leads. It's all just a bit stagey and rote........ until (hence I bothered to write this brief review) an action-packed finale that is one of the most absurdly bloody and nihilistic martial arts showdowns I've seen from a classic (60s/70s) Chinese chop socky joint. I'm talkin' combatants impaled with the severed limbs of other combatants... plenty of red paint all over the place... suddenly it's in the SHOGUN ASSASSIN ballpark of mayhem. Very bleak ending, too. A long slog to get there, but that denouement might be worth it for you.

2.5/5

[M.10rda]

As I race to watch as many movies as I possibly can during these, the waning days of summer, inevitably my streak of pretty good selections has ended and I'm hitting a bunch of middling ones-to-stinkers. My resolve to review everything (!!!) is crumbling but this one deserves a few paragraphs and a hard punch to the kidneys:

MY FELLOW AMERICANS (1996):
Jack Lemmon plays George H.W. Bush, James Garner plays Clinton, John Heard plays Vice President Dan Quayle, and Dan Akroyd plays... some other V.P.->President who is overweight and corrupt but isn't Dick Cheney, who wouldn't enter the oval office for another 4+ years. Maybe the filmmakers rolled the dice pre-election '96 and hoped Bob Dole would beat Bill. You can't put that kind of cynicism nor fecklessness past the creators of this woeful and torturous "satire".

So Akroyd and/or Heard try to frame Lemmon and Garner for crimes they committed and eventually try to have them assassinated (repeatedly, by forces including Everett McGill, who has rarely looked scarier). What a perfect excuse for a rollicking buddy road trip comedy! Really it's just a cash-in on Lemmon's successful ODD COUPLE/GRUMPY OLD MEN formula w/ explosions, shootings, lots of bickering and folksy humor among civilians, and chases in cars and on horseback (!), prompting 70-year old Lemmon to complain about his "balls", oy. Lemmon remains loveable even in material this dire, but outspoken dead conservative Garner must've had to hold his nose to play Clinton and appears visibly disinterested to be onscreen. There are great actors in supporting roles - Wilford Brimley, Bradley Whitford, James Rebhorn - but I just felt bad for them.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS stinks worse after watching THE INTRUDER and PUNISHMENT PARK, political films that are 50-60 years old but feel like they were written yesterday. In contrast, MFA is such a mid-90s product - entrenched in a glib "post-history" worldview that hagiographs Bush I as a penny-pinching curmudgeon rather than the cunning and ruthless former Director of the CIA. There's lots of casual racist "humor" from Lemmon and Heard's characters, which is fair game for Bush and Quayle but played off here as charming ignorance. Heck, THE INTRUDER didn't make that mistake a quarter century earlier. Also, no one involved w/ this film really seems to understand how Presidents work or how people become Presidents or anything about being a President besides the idea that they could get assassinated. I guess I grew up laughing at Dana Carvey and Phil Hartman's impressions of Bush and Clinton like any kid of the late 80s, but whether those were uniquely tone deaf times or I've just gotten old, ooof, Presidents ain't funny to me anymore.......   

1/5
F this stupid movie, too!

[lester1/2jr]

Twilight's Last Gleaming was a crazy one, if you liked Punishment Park

[chainsaw midget]

The Visitor (1978)

The Visitor is one of those movies that feels like it's supposed to be smart and poetic, but it also seems to refuse to ever really let the view know what's going on. 

It's something like the Omen or the Exorcist but aliens (maybe?) instead of demons, and there's also a conspiracy or a cult, but that might also just be demons and/or aliens.  The movie features an evil 8 year old girl that (might) have evil supernatural powers and has an attack owl.  She shoots and cripples her mother and is trying to get her to have sex with Lance Hendrickson so she can have an even more evil brother (I think.)  The movie also has this older guy that's from space or maybe an alternate dimension and he's kind of like a cross between Father Lankester and Obi-Wan Kenobi. 

The movie is also noticeable for having the most 70s movie music possible. 

[M.10rda]

Twilight's Last Gleaming was a crazy one, if you liked Punishment Park

I like TWILIGHT'S LAST GLEAMING!

I didn't much like
THE DEAD ONE (1961):
This transitional "zombie" movie moves zombies closer to Romero in that THE eponymous DEAD ONE is actually a dead guy as well as being a servant to a white puppetmaster. Historically that's about as much as you can say for this almost entirely forgotten no-budget loser. It's writer/director Barry Mahon is now probably best-remembered for SANTA CLAUS AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY, which - I kid you not - is quite a bit more engaging and eventful than THE DEAD ONE.

Actually, THE DEAD ONE is a good remedy for anyone who's become a little jaded about widely acknowledged "bad movies" - if you think fan favs like MANOS or TROLL 2 are as bad as a movie can get, try getting through the relentlessly leaden DEAD ONE in one sitting after midnight. After an attention-grabbing opening sequence, cheapjack Mahon subjects the viewer to a solid twenty minutes of static-shot New Orleans cabaret performances so he doesn't have to get on with any actual filmmaking. Then the leads travel to an old plantation estate and bicker with relatives about the deed for 30 minutes before hysterically overacting blonde Monica Davis summons the titular guy for the final few minutes of clumsy action.

The only other compliment that I can pay THE DEAD ONE is that T.D.O. himself is... pretty cool to behold. Shot (as everything else) in an indifferent wide shot, he looks like Cesare from CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI but w/ Max Schreck fingers, and staggers around like Edward Scissorhands. You never really get a good look at his face - probably to obscure his s***y make-up - but from a distance he's legitimately unnerving. This  sense is reinforced by an uncanny early shot where a black extra sees T.D.O. lurch into the shot (with his back to the camera) and the extra reacts w/ such a look of credible disbelief that cannot possibly, in a film this bad, be anything like good acting or anything other than a reflexive response to this ghastly-looking freak. Too bad that The Dead One doesn't actually do much once he shows up!

1/5
Co-star Linda Ormond is no relation apparently to the famed Ormonds that the Rev documents at length. Leading man John MacKay, though he's a meatheaded white guy, isn't the same John MacKay who later abuses Martin Donovan in Hal Hartley's TRUST. What a career turnaround that would've been!

[M.10rda]

HANGAR 18 (1980):
I'll just throw this one a quick one-two. Generally dull attempt at remaking CAPRICORN ONE on a TV movie budget w/ three points of interest: 1.) a good Darren McGavin performance; 2.) Doughy James Hampton (the Dad from TEEN WOLF) abruptly transforms into an action hero during one car chase; and 3.) an ending that earns comparison to MONSTER-A-GO-GO not in that it's existentially or metaphysically puzzling, but in that we see one (very surprising) thing happening onscreen while a voice-over tells us to ignore the burning bodies and infernal wreckage we're seeing 'cause in fact something else altogether has happened. What the heck is up w/ this ending? All I can figure is the producers got cold feet at the last minute and insisted on hasty post-production f**kery so the viewers didn't go to bed bummed?

Otherwise eminently skippable.
2/5

Extra 0.5 because I watched the MST3K Season 0 version which kept me somewhat awake. It's the whole movie unexpurgated and Joel & the Bots will sometimes go a whole minute w/o riffing, which possibly helps to explain why they started cutting the flicks and only riffing on the funnier parts. Also Trace is Crow but no Clayton Forrester in this  episode...

[pacman000]

Police Dog Story (1960)

Edward L. Chan directs this Dragnet-style police story about a stray dog & his reluctant handler. Beginning of the movie is summed up with narration; I could've watched an expanded version which showed more of their attempts to catch the dog.

Ends with a warehouse fire. In some shots the entire warehouse appears to be ablaze; in others, there's a clear path out, with only a small fire.

The dog pound in the movie seems too cheap; it's just some cages set on outdoor tables. But I don't know how a pound would've looked in the early '60's.

Mix of fairly standard police drama & dog drama, but interesting enough if you like those genres.

[Trevor]

HANGAR 18 (1980):
I'll just throw this one a quick one-two. Generally dull attempt at remaking CAPRICORN ONE on a TV movie budget w/ three points of interest: 1.) a good Darren McGavin performance; 2.) Doughy James Hampton (the Dad from TEEN WOLF) abruptly transforms into an action hero during one car chase; and 3.) an ending that earns comparison to MONSTER-A-GO-GO not in that it's existentially or metaphysically puzzling, but in that we see one (very surprising) thing happening onscreen while a voice-over tells us to ignore the burning bodies and infernal wreckage we're seeing 'cause in fact something else altogether has happened. What the heck is up w/ this ending? All I can figure is the producers got cold feet at the last minute and insisted on hasty post-production f**kery so the viewers didn't go to bed bummed?

Otherwise eminently skippable.
2/5

Extra 0.5 because I watched the MST3K Season 0 version which kept me somewhat awake. It's the whole movie unexpurgated and Joel & the Bots will sometimes go a whole minute w/o riffing, which possibly helps to explain why they started cutting the flicks and only riffing on the funnier parts. Also Trace is Crow but no Clayton Forrester in this  episode...

I wanted to see that when I was 11, my folks saw that creepy poster with the people opening the doors and went "Uh uh" 🥴

[M.10rda]

LOL, I think it was perfectly safe viewing for an 11-year old in terms of creepiness, though perhaps your parents wanted to protect you from crappiness.

I struggle to imagine HANGAR 18 playing the big screens. It screams Made-For-TV-Movie.

[pacman000]

If I remember right, it was one of the last films put out by Sunn Classic Pictures. Competent, but made cheaply to fill a market need, like a TV movie.

Had it VHS, & don't remember it being that bad. Then again, I remember little about it outside the box. 

Maybe I should see if I still have the tape, then try to get my VCR working. Or I can check Amazon Prime.

[pacman000]

The Lorax (2019)

Colorful, with an occasional good gag, but the TV special is better. In the movie, the Onceler is led into bad decisions by his family; in the special he makes those decisions himself. Also, the special draws out the forest's destruction, so we can see that he had plenty of opportunities to turn things around before everything was destroyed, & we get to see why he did not stop.

The movie isn't unwatchable if you already have a copy, but there's no reason to seek it out. If you want a feature with a similar theme, just watch Wall-E.

[LilCerberus]

Okay, movin' my weekend stinkers over here...
Tonight's Stinker
The Night the World Exploded (1957)
https://youtu.be/cknnDYW9eWo?si=XcG7WYYpxHC5WD45

A scientist invents a machine that can predict earthquakes... After predicting one, he discovers the earth is off it's axis, and there will be enough earthquakes to destroy civilization...
He goes to Carlsbad Caverns, where he discovers rocks that explode.... The only way to save mankind, is if all the nations come together & flood all the mines & oil wells...
Lots of newsreels & stock footage of volcanoes, wars, etc....

Comes with a pretentious message about the environment & world peace.....

[pacman000]

Return of the Boston Blackie (1927)

The Boston Blackie, former jewel thief, is released from jail. Meanwhile, a friend or acquaintance has a scam where a chorus girl swindles a man out of some jewels. Another girl steals the jewels, but the Boston Blackie can't believe she's really a jewel thief, so he & his loyal dog try to help her.

This is the only surviving feature staring Strongheart, a German shepherd movie star popular a bit before Rin-Tin-Tin. Decent enough, with a couple good chase scenes.