The truly terrible joke thread

[Leah]

[Leah]

Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

[Alex]

Paddy is visiting a nudist beach and decides to get a sun tan, so he lies down and to stop his man parts getting sun burnt puts his hat over them.

A passing woman says to him "If you were a gentleman you'd lift that hat when a lady passes."

To which Paddy replies "If you weren't so feckin' ugly, you'd have lifted it yourself!"

[Alex]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[Alex]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Alex]

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

[Alex]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

[Alex]

A man asks a woman, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" The woman responds, "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

[Alex]

Bob: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Joe: "To get to the idiot's house."
Bob: "Knock knock."
Joe: "Who's there?"
Bob: "The chicken."

[AoTFan]

[FatFreddysCat]

Q: Hey, did you hear about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?
A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.

[Alex]

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

[Alex]

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

[Alex]

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

[Alex]

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.