The truly terrible joke thread

[Chainsawmidget]

Allow me to break tradition.  This isn't a joke you tell, this is a joke you do to somebody. 

Tell somebody you have a great trick you want to show them, but you'll need to bill, one dollar bills, five dollar bills, ten, it doesn't matter.  (Change can also work, but I prefer using bills.)  They just need to be two of the same kind of bill. 

Once they hand you bill, tell them to examine them closely.  See if anything is strange about them.  Take both bills and put them behind your back.  Fold them a few times. However many times you do this, isn't important.  Just make it look like you're doing something with them behind your back. 

Hold one bill out in each hand and ask the person, "which one of these did you give me?  Most people will say they gave you both of them.  At that point, you tell them thanks for giving you the money, pocket them, and walk off.   Hey, they just said they gave them to you, right? 

[diamondwaspvenom]

How do you make a bass player's car more aerodynamic?

Get rid of the friggin' Domino's Pizza sign.

[Leah]

How many porn stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, you can be screwin light bulbs

[diamondwaspvenom]

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

[Leah]

What do you call the Sacred Bull? The Holy Cow!!

[Chainsawmidget]

A man was feeling ill so he went to the doctor.  The doctor did a few quick tests and came back with the results. He told the man, "I'm sorry, but it looks like you have a tumor.  We can operate and remove it, but it's going to be very expensive."

The man looked and the doctor and said, "I can't afford that.  I'm broke and I don't have any insurance!" 

The doctor paused for a second and then said, "Well, in that case, you just have a headache.  Go home and sleep it off." 

[Allhallowsday]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Snivelly]

Here's one I was told by a funny old lady calling for tech support:

How does oral sex taste when you get older?




Depends.





(I hope that's not to risque for this board.)

[Allhallowsday]

That reminds me...

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer...???    

The taste... ...

[Trevor]

That reminds me...

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer...???    

The taste... ...

+

[Leah]

You can't spell u slaughter without us laughter

You can't spell murder without red rum

[Chainsawmidget]

A man went into the doctor's office.  He told the doctor,"Doc.  I haven't been feeling myself latley and was hoping you could do something to help." 

The Doctor sued him for sexual harassment. 


Later while waiting outside the courtroom another man turns to him.   He says, "You're the guy who's doctor is suing him for 'not feeling himself', right?"

The first man nodded yes. 

The second man continued, "Consider yourself lucky.  I told him I was feeling a little ho(a)rse."

[Leah]

two fish are in a tank and one of them said do you know how to drive one of these?

Why do hipsters hate the ocean?
It's too current.

[Leah]

How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure." 

What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.

[Allhallowsday]

Two muffins are in an oven.  The first muffin says to the second muffin: "Whew!  It's hot in here!" 
The second muffin exclaims: "Ohmigod!  A talking muffin!!"