The truly terrible joke thread

[pizdatrica]

And if you watch The Shawshank Redemption backwards, it's about a guy who escapes from a storm by breaking into a prison.

[Rev. Powell]

I have a dyslexic friend. I can't get drunk around him because whenever I do he draws a forehead on my penis.

[Trevor]

And if you watch The Shawshank Redemption backwards, it's about a guy who escapes from a storm by breaking into a prison.

See my quote below: 

[Trevor]

I have a dyslexic friend. I can't get drunk around him because whenever I do he draws a forehead on my penis.

+

[indianasmith]

A college student was taking a biology test and was stumped on the final question.  The question was all-or-nothing - no partial credit given - and was worth 40 points.  It read:
"NAME SEVEN ADVANTAGES OF NATURAL BREAST MILK OVER FORMULA"

The first six were easy.
1.  It contains the perfect nutritional blend for infants.
2. It helps develop the baby's immune system.
3. It is always the correct temperature.
4. It is readily available.
5. It is inexpensive to produce.
6. It helps bond mother to child and vice versa.

But there he was stumped.  Try as he might, he could not remember the last reason.  Finally, he wrote:
7. It comes in two attractive containers, and is stored high enough that the cat cannot get at it.

He not only got it right, he got extra credit!

[Umaril Has Returned]

A college student was taking a biology test and was stumped on the final question.  The question was all-or-nothing - no partial credit given - and was worth 40 points.  It read:
"NAME SEVEN ADVANTAGES OF NATURAL BREAST MILK OVER FORMULA"

The first six were easy.
1.  It contains the perfect nutritional blend for infants.
2. It helps develop the baby's immune system.
3. It is always the correct temperature.
4. It is readily available.
5. It is inexpensive to produce.
6. It helps bond mother to child and vice versa.

But there he was stumped.  Try as he might, he could not remember the last reason.  Finally, he wrote:
7. It comes in two attractive containers, and is stored high enough that the cat cannot get at it.

He not only got it right, he got extra credit!

HAHAHAHA!!!!     

[Umaril Has Returned]

A man had to have both of his testicles removed due to advanced cancer, and he was concerned about his appearance.  The doctor said that a radical new transplant wiht onions was being implemented, because this particular variety was small enough and the right size and shape to look like the real thing.

"OK" said the guy, "let's do it"!

A month after his release from the hospital, the man goes for his checkup...."Doc, that's the WORST idea you ever had".  "Every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on,  every time I take a p**s my eyes water, and every time my wife gives me a BJ she gets heartburn"!

[ER]

On his 90th birthday a man opened the door to find a hot young stripper standing there, courtesy of his grandson.

"I'm here to provide you a super thrill," the stripper told him.

"Well, at my age," said the old man, "I better be safe and take the soup...."

[Leah]

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly going over it.

And then there's this:

[Umaril Has Returned]

A guy was sitting in a bar when this huge bruiser of a man walks up to him and kicks him in the face. 

"What was that for?!?" said the guy.
"That was my Karate from Okinawa"!

5 minutes later, the guy gets attacked again, and this time it was a chop to the back of the neck, an down he goes again.

"Now what was THAT for?!?"
"That was my Kung-Fu from China"..

The little guy leaves the bar and cmes back an hour later, and from behind, WHAM!!! he hits his attacker and down he goes, out like a light. Proud of himself, the little guy says:

"When that son-of-b***h comes to, you tell him that was my sledgehammer from Sears Roebuck!" 

[Mofo Rising]

Text to my brother (and hopefully all my texts to my brother will never be published).

"I don't understand why people are still starving in this country when the animal shelter is giving dogs away for free."

His response:

"I'm not eating your cooking anymore. You said the same thing about the adoption agency."

[Leah]

^LOL, That's hilarious! 

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

[Umaril Has Returned]

A man decided to play a prank on his wife's doctor.
His wife and daughter were due for their yearly female check-ups.

So, the man took his wife's urine sample, replaced it with his OWN and put some used oil in it, as well as masturbating into it. He never did anything to his daughter's sample.

So the doctor called the house a week later and said spoke to the husband about the results.

"OK, smart-ass, here's the deal: Your daughter is pregnant, your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."

[Leah]

Rick Astley will loan you most of his Pixar films except one: He will never give you Up.

My dyslexic gay friend loves to suck spine.

[Chainsawmidget]

A group of circus animals walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, "What do you want?"

The monkey says, "I'm really thirsty but I don't have any money.  If you give me a drink, I promise I'll come back and pay you tomorrow."  the bartender thinks about this for a second, then he gives the monkey a drink. 

Then he asks the elephant, "What do you want?"
The elephant says, "I don't have any money right now, but I get paid tomorrow.  If you give me a drink, I'll  come back and pay you then."  The bartender thinks about this for a second, and then pours the elephant a drink. 

Then he asks the bear what he wants.  The bear also tells him he doesn't have any money, but can come back and pay the man tomorrow.  The bartender gives him a drink too.  The same thing happens for the seal, the zebra, and the tiger. 

Then the bartender asks the lion what he wants.  The lion says he doesn't have any money, but can pay the man tomorrow. 

Thew bartender says, "No." 

The Lion looks at him and says, "Everybody else got a drink without paying today, why can't I?" 

The bartender says, "They might be telling the truth, but I'm pretty sure that you're a lion (lyin') ."