The truly terrible joke thread

[AoTFan]

I was walking down the street when suddenly a wild looking old gypsy woman dressed in rags came out of nowhere, pointed her finger at me and screamed, "You'll never amount to anything!  You're gonna die ALONE!!"

And I said, "Dammit, Grandma, quit bothering me!"

[Rev. Powell]

I think I'm becoming addicted to Viagra.

I'd like to give it up but it's hard... so very hard.

[Alex]

An elderly lion is having trouble hunting and can no longer chase after fast prey, so he decides to use a disguise and buys a gorilla suit. So he gets it, puts the suit on and goes walking into the jungle. Alas when all the animals see him they still run away.
In desperation he shouts up to the monkeys in the trees how they knew?

One of them replies "Well, you can't hide your lion eyes."

[akiratubo]

My ex came crawling back to me.  She said, "Give me back my damn wheelchair!"

[El Misfit]

What's the tallest building in the city? A library because it has the most stories.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room
He said Thank You.
I said don't mention it.

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the Ark hive.

[Chainsawmidget]

Why did the wino go into the haunted house?
He was looking for boos




What do you call some one who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.



What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire! 

[AoTFan]

Since it's Halloween...

What's a ghost's favorite type of music?
Sheet music.

What's a ghost's favorite flavor of Kool-Aid?
Booberry.

Why were the monsters arrested for throwing a party?
They threw it across the Grand Canyon. 

Why can't witches have babies?
Cause their husbands have Hallowweenies. 

[ER]

One day a man from Arkansas was in a bar in Los Angeles and he took a liking to a beautiful blond-haired woman he saw seated nearby, so he sent her a bottle of the house’s best champagne with a note attached. "Miss, You are just about the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Would you let me buy you dinner tonight? Your admirer, Jimmy Johnson Jr."

The pretty woman read the note, scoffed, and scribbled her reply. "Mister Johnson, I wouldn’t have dinner with you unless you had a Cadillac, a million dollars in the bank, and an eight-inch penis in your pants."

The waiter took the note back to the gentleman from Arkansas, who sent over the following reply: "Dear Miss, actually I don't have a Cadillac, I have a Rolls Royce. And I don't have a million dollars in the bank, I have fifteen. But not even for someone as pretty as you would I cut an inch off my member! Signed Jimmy Johnson Junior."

[akiratubo]

I held the door open for a lady, but she didn't appreciate it.

She kept screaming, "What's wrong with you?  I'm peeing in here!"

[El Misfit]

This girl said she recognize me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory; I hope there's no pop quiz.

You show me a young lad's room and I'll show you a boycott

[ER]

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident, and found themselves at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter, so they asked him if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."
 
For the next two hours couple waited for an answer, and discussed the pros and cons of matrimony. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what if it didn't work? Would they be stuck in Heaven together forever?

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were wondering, if things don't work out could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
 
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me two hours to find a pastor up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

[indianasmith]

Did you know Donald Trump is a Marxist?

He admits he likes to seize control of the means of production!

[Chainsawmidget]

I haven't slept for three days.  That's just way to long to sleep.  Usually I wake up after about nine or ten hours.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" but it didn't tell me where to trade them in at.  I could use a new watch too. 

People used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, nobody's laughing now! 

[Zapranoth]

I haven't slept for three days.  That's just way to long to sleep.  Usually I wake up after about nine or ten hours.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" but it didn't tell me where to trade them in at.  I could use a new watch too. 

People used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, nobody's laughing now! 

Steven Wright?

[ER]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

 You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

 The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

 The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 The man replied, "They're Carols".