The truly terrible joke thread

[VenomX73]

Did you hear about the man who fell down a hole?

Yeah... He didn't see that well.

[Leah]

Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning and I was getting annoyed, but then I realized that I left it in Airplane mode.

[Alex]

I think everyone can agree that Einstein was a genius, however, not everyone is aware of his brother Frank. That guy was a monster.

[zombie no.one]

where do whales go to get weighed?
a marine biology research lab.

why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 was a deranged psychopath.

:: breaking news: toilet stolen from police station ::
police are looking for anyone acting suspiciously while carrying a toilet.

[indianasmith]

You know, Jeffrey Dahmer was eating five guys before it was a restaurant . . .

[ER]

A punky middle-school boy, known in his town as a real trouble-maker, was about to throw a rock through a church window, when the parish priest came out and said to him, "Young man, do you have Christ?"

"Huh?" the boy asked.

"Do-you-have-Christ?" demanded the priest.

"I swear I don't!" shouted the boy, who tore out of the church yard and ran all the way home, where he hid in the basement til his mother came looking for him.

"What did you do this time?" his mom demanded.

"It's the worst thing yet," the boy told her. "Christ is missing and they think I had something to do with it!"

[Alex]

I've been letting the jobs needing to be done around the house build up until I had a list of 100 jobs to do.

This morning, one of the lights burnt out. A bit of investigation revealed that the light switch itself had burned out. I ordered a replacement in, desoldered the previous fitting and put a new one in.

I have 99 problems, but a switch ain't one.

[Leah]

My friend David had his ID stolen, so now he's known as Dav

[zombie no.one]

A man decided he wanted a pet, so he went to his local pet shop and bought a hamster. He took it home, put it in a cage, and fed it. The next morning he came downstairs and the hamster was dead.

So the man went back to the pet shop and said to the owner "that hamster I bought yesterday has died overnight. I want a refund.". The owner replied "Sorry we don't do refunds...but I tell you what, have you got a garden?". The man replied "yes" and the owner said "okay go home, put your dead hamster in a blender, then spread it all over your garden, and in the morning your garden will have grown beautiful flowers all over it".

So the man went home and reluctantly put his hamster in a blender, and spread it over his garden. The next morning he looked out of his window, and to his amazement his entire garden was covered in magnificent golden daffodils.

So the man went back to the pet shop and said to the owner "that was incredible, you were right. I did what you said, and this morning my garden is covered in daffodils".

"Daffodils?" replied the pet shop owner, "most people only get tulips from hamster jam".

[RCMerchant]

A cannibal tribe kid was caught eating a salad. His Ma says to him- "If your father could see you now, he'd be rolling in his gravy!"

[Alex]

I bought a pen today that can write underwater.

It can also write a whole load of other words too.

[RCMerchant]

A guy is sitting in his house with his wife while it's storming outside. His roof is leaking.
His wife says- " Why don't you ever patch that hole in the roof?!" The guy says- "I can't when it's raining, and when the sun shines, it don't leak!"

[Alex]

Today an alt-med practitioner pelted me with a bottle of omega-3 supplements.

Luckily I only suffered Super Fish Oil injuries.

[Alex]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

1
[10:26 AM]
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......







But of course...I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.

[Alex]

Why is inviting John Milton to a games night a terrible idea?

Because when he is around there is always a pair of dice lost.