It Conquered The World: the Dinner insults segment
TOM: “Mmmm..You know that pie was delicious, did you bake it yourself?’
JOEL: “Oh no, it’s just a recipe my grandmother stole from the bakery.”
[CROW slurps down coffee]
JOEL: “Hey, you want some more?”
CROW: “Only half a gallon.”
JOEL: “What are you so smug about? You look like a man who’s just inherited Texas.”
TOM: [slurps coffee] “Well, it may not be too far off. You know, this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What did you strain it through, a mummy?”
CROW: “Yeah. The coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.”
TOM: “Oh, the coffee wasn’t half as bad as the dinner.”
JOEL: “Well, I always burn it when you come home drunk.”
CROW: “So you burn it every night?”
JOEL: “Don’t bring that up again.”
CROW: “I have to bring it up: if I hold it in, I’ll die.”
TOM: “Dye! That’s what this coffee tastes like. Dye!”
JOEL: “Did you two get enough? You hardly touched your steak.”
CROW: “I didn’t want to touch it, it scared me.”
TOM: “Yeah, talking about steaks being tough, I thought they retired mail-order studs.”
JOEL: “Well, what would you know about being a stud?”
CROW: “The meat was better if you put that fuzzy gravy on it.”
TOM: “Oh, was that gravy? I thought the dog had been sick.”
CROW: “I’ve never seen spam served so many ways, especially in a jello.”
TOM: [coughs] “You know, halfway through the dinner, my fillet got up and beat the hell out of my coffee and the coffee was too weak to defend itself.”
JOEL: [offended] “Oh well, it looks like you enjoyed the marinade or were you just being a pig?”
CROW: “Hey, the only thing that’s marinated around here is Tom.”
TOM: “Oh that’s great. Why don’t you just skip dinner and go straight to passing out on the table?”
JOEL: “OK, keep it down you two.”
CROW: “I don’t think I can keep anything down if I have to keep looking at that dessert.”
TOM: “Oh, you know on second thoughts, forget about the pie and just read the recipe.”