I guess my positive experience with WRONG TURN II got me in the mood for another Cannibal Mutant Hillbilly flick, and as I was perusing the shelves at Hastings I saw what looked like a nice little piece of low budget cheese; a killer hillbilly flick called BLOOD SHED. It was . . . . it was . . . . oh. . . oh . . . oh!
I don't know if I can bring myself to relive the pain (sob!) . . . .
But . . . . I must. I must save all my friends at BadMovies.org from such suffering. For you lovely people, I must . . . must . . . remember . . .
OK, the movie begins with a pudgy middle-aged man in drag with a short schoolgirl dress and a curly-haired red wig skipping down the road dragging a dead squirrell that has been nailed to a board with wheels on it. The girly-man is playing the movie's female lead, a . . . so he/she insists . . .
12 year old girl . . .named Beefteena.
(Indiana pauses to barf into a nearby trashcan.)
After greeting the neighbors, Beefteena skips homeward, running into a group of annoying neighborhood kids, two little girls and a boy of about 12 who is inexplicably wearing a military uniform jacket. He has just finished demonstrating his manliness by squooshing a frog with a rock (and yes, I think he really did squish the frog - it looked to real to be a high-tech fake frog in a low-budget piece of garbage like this). The two girls light out for home, but nasty boy begins berating Beefteena and throws her "pet" dead squirrel (did I mention it was named "Flapjack"?) into the creek . . . oh no, not again!
BBBAAARRRFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, then Beefteena's two brothers, whose names have mercifully been blotted from my memory, show up and begin chasing little Billy Nastyboy. He gets his foot caught in a steel trap, and they let him go - but when he kicks the brothers and tries to escape again, they grab him and play tug-o-war until he is pulled in half and his guts fall all over the ground, looking remarkably like link sausages covered with strawberry syrup. Honestly, he's such a rotten brat you're glad to see him go, you let yourself think . . . for just a moment . . . that maybe this movie won't be so bad after all. But no . . .
Then there's Beefteena's dad, and a vaguely attractive, bosomy cousin named Snowflake or Snowball or something like that, a rabid grandma(n), a missing journalist, a shotgun wedding to the investigating sheriff who gets captured by the brothers and has ONE of his cojones crushed with a pair of pliers. Then Beefteena enters a modeling competition . . . and there is her birthday party.
AAAAHHH!!! I've remembered too much!!!!!!!!!
The cake . . . the new Flapjack . . . grandma eating the sheriff . . .
I can't go on. RUN!!!!!!!! Save yourselves from this steaming mound of cinematic excrement!!!!! It's too late for me. I don't want my eyes anymore. If you pass me begging on a street corner wearing dark glasses and holding out a tin cup, drop me a quarter.