Desperately Seeking Nipple Peeks?

"Hey! There's a naked lady in this picture! And she's NUDE!!"
--Mystery Science Theatre 3000

I'm seeing the same TV commercial over and over again for a video called "Hollywood's Hottest Naked Celebrities" or some s**t like that, and Bog save me, it makes me miss The Dell Dude. Hell, I'd rather watch a major motion picture about the "Zoom Zoom" brat.

It's apparently a collection of several brief boob-shots from several recent (and not-so-recent) movies, like Jamie Lee Curtis' topless bit in "Trading Places" and whatshername's striptease in "Under Siege" and that other forgotten bimbo's Look!-I-have-public-hair! bit from "Basis Instinct."

For a guy who enjoys the most rancid hardcore porn, why does this thing turn me off so?

I guess it's because (a) it smells like approximately two minutes of mere glimpses of nipples and fuzzpatches--encased in one hour of filler crap; (b) the suggestion that these actresses might let you see MORE than a glimpse is preposterous; (c) it's even more tasteless than most of these scenes were in the first place; (d) frankly, I though Curtis was a lot hotter in "Perfect," dancing with clothes on, than as a frazzled worn-out hooker with her bra off in a filthy apartment in "Trading."

Truth? While I don't have a lot of respect for Sharon Stone, and she (despite ridiculous claims to the contrary) knew exactly what she was doing when she gave the universe a peek up her skirt, she did it within the context of the scene in the film she had contracted for--not this. "Basic Instinct" is a turd of a movie, but it isn't "Caligula" or even "Jade;" it made an attempt to be genuinely erotic as well as lurid. The "compilation" tape makes no such attempt. It's "LOOK! LOOK! If you freeze the frame here, you can see this semi-respected actress' nekkid booby! Nnngh! Nnngh! Nnnngaaaah!!! Booooooobsies!!" And I'm pretty sure Stone or any of the other actresses didn't give their okay for that.

I guess they should be thankful it doesn't involve being "interviewed" by some near-forgotten has-been rap star (like, say, "Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style"). I should scratch that: maybe it does. ("Yo, this is Kid Rock, and sittin' across from me is Oscar-winnin' ***** ******** ****-****in' b****, Jessica Lange. What up, ******?")

Worst of all, it rubs my nose in the utter gratuitousness of most nudity in mainstream Hollywood movies, destroying what little enjoyment I may have gotten from it. Sure, sometimes it's nigh-impossible to avoid given a certain story, and can be unobtrusive or even funny in an oddly tasteful fashion (Graham Chapman opening his window in "Life of Brian") but now I'm thinking about stuff like "Chasers," which features the actress from "Under Siege" in what had to be the most humiliating scene in her life--or the utter ugliness of either "Species"--and you don't even want to get me started on "To The Devil...A Daughter" or "Pretty Baby." (Or Kirk Douglas' wrinkled ass, which co-starred in almost every film he made in the '80s, much like George Clooney's today. Oh God, then there's the Bat-Butt from "B&R." Ewwww.)

You'd think, in comparison, that hardcore porn directors and actors have a lot fewer "issues" than their mainstream peers.

P.S.: I'd just like to add that I have more respect for Erica Boyer than I do for Sharon Stone.