Let's write a bad movie script together!

[indianasmith]

I tossed this title out in the thread about creating reviews of movies that don't exist, but now I can't get it out of my head!
So, how about we put our trash cinema minds together and come up with a cast and screenplay for . . .


HIPPOS OF THE CORN!!

(Tagline:  "They're Very, Very Hungry!")

CAST:

Goodman McNiceypants (played by a blond Tom Holland clone) - protagonist, a Kansas corn farmer trying to bring American farming techniques to the Nile Delta
Suzie McNiceypants - (played by a generic corn-fed blonde) - his perky, endlessly cheerful wife.  Hippo fodder in the first ten minutes)

And . . . someone give us a villain and his henchmen!

[Alex]

Wu Sun Cheng - A Chinese businessman who wants to create a world where all animals are vegan and believes the key lies in genetic manipulation. His preparedness to cut corners to achieve his dream however will lead to unexpected consequences.

[Trevor]

Who Flung Dung: a shady South African of Chinese descent - he came down without a parachute - whose main goal is to turn South African sewage farms into food processing factories 😝😉

[indianasmith]

Nice!  Now we need the local color:

Ali HoTep - a wise old Egyptian fisherman who tries to warn Goodman about the bizarre behavior of the hippos.  Everyone ignores him except the hippos, who eat him.

Bubba Ho-Tep - his intense nephew who leads an angry mob to set fire to the cornfields and flush the hippos out

Faro Ali - Egyptian farmer who isn't too sure Kansas corn fits in the local ecosystem.  Rolls his eyes at Goodman throughout the film.

Ibrahim Aziz - Egyptian archeologist who knows about the curse of the hippos from ancient papyrus

Dr. Happy MacDigless - a British archeologist who can't excavate sites due to his severe dust allergy.  Why is he even in Egypt?

[chainsaw midget]

I'm adding to the cast. 

Wang:  a sleezy vague Asian man (possibly Mexican) with a Fu-Manchu mustache and a metal claw for a hand.  He serves as the henchman for our big mad and most of his lines are eith sinister laughing or "Yeeeessss, Mister (insert name here)".


And as we've killed the wife character, we need a new love interest. 

Sarah Goodchest:  A busty British woman in a tight fighting explorers outfit that's spent the last several years of her life living among the Hippos.  Naturally for the first part of the movie, she'll think our hero is an idiot.

[Trevor]

Bruce Reeee: a tiny anthropomorphic frog who screams expletives from time to time for no reason other than to irritate the cast, the crew and the viewer 😳

[indianasmith]

Marvin Snodgrass - an enterprising journalist looking for a scoop in the cornfield. Has to be scooped up after hippo encounter.

[indianasmith]

That's a good starting cast.  Now for the opening credits:

Sprightly music plays as the sun rises over a beautiful green field of corn.  The Great Pyramids of Giza are clumsily photoshopped into the background.
The music turns darker as the scene switches to stock footage of hippos cavorting in the Nile River.
Then an intense, cord-crunching rock guitar solo begins as the scene shifts again, to a swarm of hippos attacking a crocodile.
The camera swings back to the cornfield, but something unseen is cutting a swath through the corn towards the viewer.
Then a badly rendered CGI Hippo pops up, opens its mouth, and seemingly swallows the camera.
 Scene cuts to black.
Dramatic, loud cord is played as the title pops up:

HIPPOS OF THE CORN

(Someone else want to describe scene I?)

[chainsaw midget]

We see Suzie and Good driving in a car as the credits are overlayed and a bad country western song plays informing us that a man with whiskey is a man without a care and a man without care can be a hero.

They're driving, and driving, and driving, and driving, and just when you think they aren't ever going to stop driving, Goodman slams on the breaks.  He explains to a startled Suzie that he thought he saw something, but there's nothing there now. 

Bruce Reeee calls him multiple ethnic slurs. 

We see the close up of something's eyes.  They're red.  It's unclear what this thing is or even where it is in relation to our characters. 

Suzie and Goodman begin to discuss their job using various "as you know--"s. 

Bruce makes poop jokes.

[Trevor]

We see Suzie and Good driving in a car as the credits are overlayed and a bad country western song plays informing us that a man with whiskey is a man without a care and a man without care can be a hero.

They're driving, and driving, and driving, and driving, and just when you think they aren't ever going to stop driving, Goodman slams on the breaks.  He explains to a startled Suzie that he thought he saw something, but there's nothing there now. 

Bruce Reeee calls him multiple ethnic slurs. 

We see the close up of something's eyes.  They're red.  It's unclear what this thing is or even where it is in relation to our characters. 

Suzie and Goodman begin to discuss their job using various "as you know--"s. 

Bruce makes poop jokes.

😁😁

[Trevor]

Dr Macdigless uses the digger: " Why didn't they call Alan Grant instead? He is like me, he is a digger." [sneezes snot tsunami]
Bruce Reeee: [screams expletives as he is covered in snot]

[bob]

*a walking plant farts, licks the snot tsunami and turns into an icicle. *

[Alex]

The scene cuts to the villain's tropical island volcano lair...

[chainsaw midget]

Wu Sun Cheng is in somebody's living room with a  file cabinet placed in it   his office talking on the phone doing shady business man stuff.   

We then see him walk out of his office, past his secretary who's only wearing underwear, and goes into a lab.  In the lab scientists are doing the kind of science that involves colored liquids in beakers with smoke coming out of them and machine that look like water heaters with electronics super glued to them.  Wu Sun Cheng is mad that they aren't making progress and claims he'll have to resort to more drastic measures.  He kicks a puppy as he walks out of the room. 

We then see him on the phone.  Cut to Wang, who is eating pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. 

[indianasmith]

Wang picks up the phone and listens to Wu Sun Cheng rant for a few moments, and then rasps out:

"But masster, thesse thingss take time!!!  Your plan will work, and all nature will live in harmoneee-hee-heee!"

CUT

 (Goodman and Suzie McNiceypants standing in front of their lovely field of corn, with fake CGI pyramids in the background.  Faro Ali is listening as Goodman begins his monologue:)

"Ah, the sweet smell of corn in the morning!  Did you ever see such a beautiful crop!  I'm so glad my wife and I can come and teach you locals the art of raising the world's most perfect food crop!  Not sure how you managed to feed yourselves before us Americans came over here to show you the way!"

Faro (rolls his eyes): "You realize, sire, that Egypt supplied the entire Roman world with grain fifteen hundred years before you folks even discovered America?"

Suzie: (laughing)  "But honey, that was grain, this is CORN!  It's the world's most perfect food. You can make corn bread, corn syrup, cream corn, corn on the cob, corn casserole, corn squeezin's -"
Goodman:  "and corn-ography!"
Suzie: (squeals and slaps him on the arm)  "Now, Goodie, don't you go bringin' up my film career!"
Goodman: "But honey, that's how we met!"
(Flash back to a scene of a scantily clad Suzie darting into a cornfield, flinging undergarments behind her, as Goodman, dressed in a football uniform, runs into the field after her.)
Faro: "While you two are strolling down memory lane, I am going to check the irrigation ditches!" (He departs with a roll of his eyes)
Suzie: "Goodie honey?"
Goodman: "Yes dear?"
(She darts into the tall corn, and moments later her blouse comes sailing over the stalks and flutters to the ground.)
Suzie: "Deja vu!!"
(Goodman throws off  his own shirt and runs into the corn.  Cut to Suzie, jogging through the corn in her bra and jeans.  She pauses for a moment.)
Suzie: "Can't you find me? Come on, I'm not even running that fast.
(The corn rustles off to her right.)
Suzie: "There you are, Goodie my man!" (she turns towards the sound with a smile.)
(A huge CGI hippo comes charging out of the corn, mouth agape, huge fangs dripping with drool)
Hippo:  "GLOMP!!!" 
(Camera pans up and out of the cornfield as Suzie's scream is cut short.)
Goodman: "Hey, babe, don't start without me!"

CUT