Planet of the Apes (remake)

[h.p. love]

I finally got around to watching the Planet of the Apes remake. I didn't find it to be a horrible experience (like a Battlefield Earth) but it was barely an experience at all. I have little sympathy for remakes in general and especially for big-studio attempts. Tim Burton directed this? It seemed to me that truly almost any network movie-of-the-week director could have done as well. Mark Wahlberg was not right for this role. Charleton Heston, in a scene only a couple minutes long, had more presence under his mask than Marky Mark. Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights: Yes. Planet of the Apes: No.

The movie tried to make too many socio-political statements. On one hand, the apes obviously represent white slave masters while the humans (black, white, male, female) are black slaves. A great idea. But then the movie raises questions about species on top of that, especially so in the forced and wooden relationship between Walberg and the female ape.

At this point I was just confused and obviously thinking more than I should have. I mean, was I supposed to be contemplating the difficulty of a white woman courting a black slave or merely an ape horny for a human? Why are the darker apes subordinate to the lighter apes? And how can you lose yourself in a movie with lines that scream YOU ARE WATCHING  A MOVIE!- wink wink nudge nudge - like "can't we all just get along?" and "human-lover." I didn't believe this world existed. As I watched the film, I could see the three! script-writers around a table trying to be clever.

Then the issues of weaponry and technology were thrown into the mix but by then I had stopped thinking too much. DAMN DIRTY MOVIE!!!

[odinn7]

Oh, don't even get me started. Planet of the Apes (the original) was my favorite movie when I was a kid. I loved that whole series as each one was released. Back then we didn't have VCRs so I would have to wait until they were on TV which would usually happen a few times a year on ABCs "4:30 Movie" (anyone remember that?). If I was outside playing with my friends, sorry, Planet of the Apes is on...gotta go. I was almost obsessed with the movie series :- ) I had all the toys, puzzles, posters, story books, record books and even a cereal bowl/milk cup combo. I even watched that crappy PotA tv series in the late 70's.
When I heard they were doing a re-make, I gagged. I knew they were going to stomp all over my childhood memories and guess what? I was right. This re-make wouldn't have been so bad if they had stuck a little closer to the original story...what the hell was wrong with it? Also, I have to completely agree with you, Marky should not have been anywhere near that movie. But as with all re-makes, whoever does it has to make drastic changes from the original to make it "their own" to which I need to ask: Why the hell not just make your own and forget about the re-make? I was so p**sed off when I went to see this movie. My wife dragged me to it not realizing the deep seated love I had for the orginals even though I tried to explain it to her. I sat there in the theater trying to give it a chance but just about 20 minutes into it or so, my brain started sweating. Unlike some other movies I've been p**sed about because I wasted the time and money to see them, this was different. I was mad because of what was done to my beloved PotA. There was only one other movie that made me this mad for the same basic reason and that was The Doors. I will hate both of these movies forever.
Well, I've bared enough of my soul...gotta go and cry from the pain...sob...sniff...

[Mr Hockstatter]

All that PC nonsense was an intentional joke.  You were supposed to laugh, not contemplate.

I mean, it was, wasn't it?  

Yeah, it had to be.  They wouldn't have had the apes jumping up in the air and bouncing off the ceiling and stuff if it wasn't a comedy.

[h.p. love]

Yeah, it must have been meant to be a comedy. It had to be...

The confusion. The meaningful points dropped and forgotten. Mark Wahlberg's comedic genius. The pathetic and unrequited beastiality. The brilliant boy-crashlands, boy-finds-ship, boy-leaves storyline. The I-wasn't-expecting-that-at-all ending. Three writers couldn't have developed a bad screenplay, right?

Hollywood made a remake because the fans wanted it. The fans would appreciate the intended irony. This wasn't merely a rehashed classic idea focus-grouped to death so it could play for the discerning modern audience that considers Independence Day or Lost in Space to be entertaining.

Somebody confirm that this was a comedy. Hello?

[Eirik]

Making fun of this movie is like making fun of retarded people.  If you looked up why remakes are bad in the dictionary (assuming the dictionary would have definitions for concepts in addition to individual words), there would be a picture of Markey Mark staring up a Ape-raham Lincoln with the caption: "Ummm...  what?"

[Eirik]

h.p. - I think parts of the movie were intended to be funny.  I think the scene where the "field hand" seethes the words "House human!" at the butler guy, that was actually supposed to make us "think."  Sorry if that's not the answer you wanted.

[dean]

You know, I didn't mind the remake so much...

Sure it doesn't hold a candle to the original, and it was a risky thing to begin with but overall I didn't watch this movie and think: "my god this stinks"

It didn't make me think, it generally wasn't that exciting, I didn't mind Mark Wahlberg that much, and it didn't make me do really anything other than watch it and go: ''well that wasn't too bad, but oh well, let's move on."

Just one question: how big a twist was the twist ending with the original? As in, was it like announcing Darth Vader is Luke's father, or did people expect it?  How did people react to the twist back when it was first released?

I only say this because Tim Burton seemed to put way too much effort into the twist and ended up having it sort of die in the butt.  He seemed to try and live up to the big twist that everyone expected of it instead of meating out a better plot.

[AndyC]

Burton sort of borrowed his twist ending from the original book. In that one, the planet of the apes is another planet, where the characters travel at near-light speed, arriving centuries later but maybe a year older. On returning to Earth, even more centuries later, we learn that the same thing happened here while they were gone. Somebody walks up to a cop, he turns around, and he's a gorilla.

Of course, the way the remake was handled, using a rift in space and time, that wouldn't quite work. He returns to his own time, and discovers that the same apes he left had somehow gone back and invaded in the past. Liked the style, but it lacked believability.

Oh, should mention that the book had a double twist ending. The story itself is found as a sort of message in a bottle by a couple of space travellers, who find the whole thing hard to believe. We are led to assume they are human, and as they are the first characters we meet, it's easy to do. In the book's last line, however, we learn that they are chimpanzees. It's one of those surprises that really only works in print.

[Neville]

Hated it. And I think you are the first people I heard of that found stuff to think about in this movie. I mean, my main conplaint about the whole thing is how "thought-free" it is compared to the original. But of course, the original was written, at least partially, by Rod Serling.

And indeed, the whole basis of the remake is somehow hard to believe. The apes not accepting human intelligence despite hearing humans talk all the time? C'on! But worse is the idea of the human rebellion not taking place until now because of lacking a carismatic leader. Are they implying that Wahlberg is? And don't make me talk about the ending. How is suppossed Marky Mark to leave both Estella Warren and an ape beauty to take a extremely dangerous trek back to Earth?

[h.p. Love]

Neville wrote:

> is? And don't make me talk about the ending. How is suppossed
> Marky Mark to leave both Estella Warren and an ape beauty to
> take a extremely dangerous trek back to Earth?
>

I've got an answer to you question above. The answer that works for me is that there was zero chemistry between Marky Mark and the human babe and none between the ape either. That whole creepy mess came across as the less-than-plane girl in high school with a crush on the most popular jock in school. Plus she had a mess of facial hair. This movie was bad and it also creeped me out.

[BeyondTheGrave]

I don't remember much about the movie, I saw it in theaters when it first came out, I know I have a good reason not to see it again just by reading the stuff on this thread backs it up. I just remember the end when I screamed to my friends "Look its ape Lincoln".

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You can’t give it, you can't buy it, and you just don't get it!-Aeon Flux



Post Edited (04-11-05 22:57)

[h.p. Love]

Because I haven't gotten it all out of my system yet, I'll RANT some more. Ten minutes into the movie it is unbelievable. The monkey's shuttle disappears in the mysterious nebula so Marky Mark decides to FLY INTO IT himself? I suspect that we were supposed to think of him as thoughtful, rebellious, and brave when all it did was make him look utterly insane and stupid. And the movie beat us over the heads with lines getting us to buy into the parrallels with slavery and racism but the apes still jump around and "are easily confused." In fact, they are so dumb that I don't see how the apes were able to rule over the humans. They were afraid of water! And don't you think the female ape scared the hell out of Marky Mark? He was from earth. The fact that an ape can talk doesn't change the fact that she's a hair-covered APE! Not even a nifty hairdo could change that. Where did she get her haircut anyway? None of the other apes had trendy cuts. And why did the mean ape beat up Marky Mark's little monkey (the saddest scene in the movie - he crawls into a cage out of fear)? If the apes hate humans because they aren't apes, then would't he sort of feel a connection to the monkey? The whole time travel thing was ridiculous.

None of these recent remakes have been any good. I saw a preview for Amytiville Horror and it actually said "from the director of the chainsaw massacre." Tobe Hooper? No, some hack from the remake. Putting better looking no-talent actors in a film doesn't warrant a remake. And neither does having a lame script. If they can't make a better version, then they should't. Especially if the original caught lightening in a bottle for that time and place. It's impossible to do it twice. And the fact that you have to specify which version you are talking about with people who have only seen the remakes is beyond irritating. Anyone involved with remakes in any way should do something more creative, like accounting.

[h.p. Love]

oops - I don't think the preview was for the Amityville Horror but some movie is coming out and it said from so-and-so connected with The Chainsaw Massacre.