Menard
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« on: August 06, 2005, 01:25:16 AM » |
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Has someone been absent from the board?
Has someone tried to quietly take time off from the board without mentioning the word 'vacation'?
Naw, of course Odinn7 would not do that. He would not want to miss his tribute; now would he?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In times of peril.
In times of despair.
When the call goes out for a hero....
I'm sorry. I digress. This is a story about Odinn7, Double Odinn7.
The distinct sounds of poker chips being fiddled about by nervous hands was joined in chorus with that of a playing card being whisked from the deck by an ever so deft dealer. Two attractive women at the game table, one blond and one brunette, were fervently drawn into the game at hand, when, the blond caught just a glimpse of a man walking across the casino in their direction.
Their attention was magnetically drawn to him. It was like a hynotic force which they could not break as they watched this debonaire, strikingly handsome man in a tuxedo walking with a gait of confidence in their direction. They stared intently into the determined look within his ever so inviting eyes. The slight wave of his hair perfectly set off the handsomely chiseled features of his face. They slumped in resignation within their seats as he stood before them. His lips slowly parted bringing a quivering anticipation to each of them, as he spoke.
" Pardon me, but can you tell where I can find Double Odinn7?"
The ladies seemed confused as they shrugged their shoulders...when...suddenly...a booming manly voice was heard.
" Will the owner of a teal 4-door Volvo please turn off your headlights."
This was immediately followed by a shreiking voice which could only be described as Gilbert Gottfried in drag.
" I am Double OOOO....."
The sudden cessation of vocabulary did not seem to confuse the ladies as much as the crashing and breaking sounds which immediately followed the voice. The sight of waiters tripping and losing their trays, while people were falling over tables did not phase them as much as their gentleman caller being hit in the head by one of the flying trays, knocking him unconscious and leaving him laying upon the table in front of them.
The ladies then spied a figure across the room, standing from behind an overturned buffet table, desperately trying to remove a pie tin from his face. Another man came running to the table where they sat, turning their gentleman friend over to get a look at his face.
" You have done it Double Odinn7!", exclaimed the man, " You have captured Quickie Quixley!"
" EWWWW....", said the ladies, " Quickie?"
" Was somebody calling to me?", replied Double Odinn7
In reality, the blond and brunette are spies sent to infiltrate the organization; and to specifically target Double Odinn7. The brunette is a jobber who goes by the name of Handi, while the blond is a legendary seductress known as Sophia 'Sof' Spot. Their objective is to gain the trust of the agency and work from within.
In sensing the potential volatility of the present situation, the Chief has Double Odinn7 to escort the ladies out of the casino, being that Quixley's henchmen could already be planted within the casino itself. Double Odinn7 wastes no time in hurrying the ladies along at a running pace toward the exit doors. Handi exits through door number 1; Sof exits through door number 2; the ladies hear a strange 'thud' sound from door number 3.
From behind door number 3, the ladies hear Double Odinn7 exclaim, " Oh God, my face hurts!" [I will pause for just a moment while everybody is busy making jokes like ' it must be hurting because it's killing me'.]
Through the back alleys they ran. Double Odinn7 darted left to right, right to left, through each alley they ran exhibiting the gracefulness of...of...well...of a pigeon in heat.
" Where are we going?", quizzed Handi as they ran out onto a public sidewalk.
" Ooo...my hair!", exclaimed Sof as they passed a glass storefront.
" Son of a....", abruptly proclaimed Double Odinn7 as he discovered that not so well hidden telephone pole.
" And we have on our right ", proclaimed the tour bus guide, " the Center for Applied Rationale in the Development of Sanitary Disposal; which is really just a front for the spy academy."
" And if you look to your left", continued the tour guide, " you will see two attractive ladies slapping some guy lying on the ground."
Through the secret entrance of the spy academy (so noted because it has a sign on the door which reads 'Secret Entrance') came Handi, followed by Sof, followed by a girl scout selling cookies, followed by a clown, followed by a guy in a rodeo outfit, followed by someone who looks like Richard Nixon in drag, followed by a plumber, and finally Double Odinn7 comes through.....okay, staggers through.
Leaving the ladies in the break room, where they can have a choice of coffee, tea, espresso, cola, diet cola, uncola, champagne, or martinis (which they did not care for as tonights events left them shaken, but not stirred); Double Odinn7 took his leave of them, momentarily, to pay a visit to their resident chemical and electronics expert, Pee.
Double Odinn7 entered the lab to find Pee working at a table with a flexible clay like substance.
" What does that do?", inquired Double Odinn7.
" Watch this.", replied Pee, as he flattened the ball of claylike substance and proceeded to place it upon a newspaper comic strip. He then removed the substance and showed Double Odinn7 that it has copied the comic frame. He then wadded it into a ball, kneeded it with his hands, and proceeded to form it into a doggie.
" Couldn't you have just told me that it was Play-Doh?" quipped Double Odinn7.
" Naw; that would not have been as much fun.", replied Pee.
Pee proceeded to open a drawer and removed what appeared to be a miniature cue ball and a miniature 8-ball.
" I have color coded these", said Pee, " as to prevent you from getting them mixed up."
Pee thought to himself, " As though I could ever prevent that." , and then wondered about the expression on Double Odinn7's face. He then realized that he had said that out loud.
" Uhm, anyway," continued Pee, " the 8-ball is a knockout gas. You just throw it, or crush it in any manner you choose, and it will fill a 1000 suare foot room with enough gas to knockout everybody in that room."
" And the white ball?", inquired Double Odinn7.
" And what?", replied Pee, " Did you think that I was going to keep it a secret?"
Double Odinn7 had a sheepishly embarassed look on his face.
" The cue ball", continued Pee, " contains a gas which causes people to lose there memory for 24 hours."
" The cue ball", continued Pee, " contains a gas which causes people to lose their memory for 24 hours."
" The cue ball..."
" Oh shut-up!", barked Double Odinn7 as he took the balls from Pee " You have been working around your projects a little too closely."
Double Odinn7 went to meet up again with Handi and Sof. He had approached Handi in the waiting room reading a copy of 'Soldier of Fortune' magazine.
" Where's Sof?", inquired Double Odinn7.
" She had to take a powder."
" Oh, she's in the ladies room."
" No. She went to take a headache powder."
Realizing that he was still holding the cue ball and 8-ball, but had no place to put them at the moment, as his tux did not have any open pockets, Double Odinn7 asked Handi, " Could you hold my balls?".
Sof, upon returning from taking a powder, discovered Double Odinn7 standing in the waiting area with a stunned look on his face. She thought that it was even more odd that he had a red mark on his face, which was oddly in the shape of a hand.
Double Odinn7, not having figured out that the pockets on his trousers were just sewn shut, slipped the 8-ball down the back of his pants and just continued to hold the cue ball.
The Chief called Double Odinn7 into his office and explained to him that Quixley's henchmen were on the prowl for him and the ladies. To add to the plot, it was also believed that there was a witness to Quixley's operation, and this witness could give them the information they needed to thwart a plan that Quixley had in motion that would devastate the world economy. They has less than 24 hours to find this witness and stop Quixley's plan.
" Not to worry Chief," said Double Odinn7, " Double Odinn7 is on the case."
The Chief rolled his eyes up in his head and reached for a bottle of Maalox, which he proceeded to pour into a coffee mug.
Double Odinn7 and the ladies proceeded on their way to find the witness, as he had her name, Mida Finga, and picture. Double Odinn7 came up with what he thought was a brilliant idea to show her picture around and see if anybody has seen her.
" Pardon me," Double Odinn7 would say as he approached someone, " have you seen this lady, named Mida Finga, who is a witness who can thwart Quickie Quixley's plans to dominate the world economy?"
After several inquiries, odd looks, and some people giving him their interpretation of Mida Finga, Double Odinn7 was feeling as though he was at a crossroads. The car swerving to miss him, standing in the middle of the intersection, while the driver screamed " You @#%$@ idiot", only seemed to confirm this suspicion.
It was then that he heard someone say, " Psst...over here bud."
As Double Odinn7 turned to look, he saw a shoeshine guy standing on the sidewalk. Double Odinn7 approached the guy as he heard, " You lookin' for Mida Finga?"
" Yes I aaaaa.......", said Double Odinn7 as he forgot to lift his foot stepping onto the sidewalk.
Helping Double Odinn7 to his feet, the shoeshine guy said, " Go to the busway and look for the departure ramp where you'll find a bus with Charlotte on it."
" What's a busway?", asked Double Odinn7
" It depends on how many passengers are on it.", replied the shoeshine guy.
Double Odinn7 and the ladies show up at the bus station to check out their lead. Double Odinn7 checks out the different exits and finds only one bus available. They approach the bus and Double Odinn7 tells the driver, Charlotte, that he is looking for a Mida Finger. She obliges him.
" No.", Replies Double Odinn7, " That's not what I meant. I am looking for a lady named Mida Finga."
" Oh", says Charlotte as she points to a set of double doors.
Double Odinn7, Handi, and Sof cautiously approach the doors only to hear someone demanding to be told the information they need to know. Double Odinn7 and Handi go back into the bus station to approach the room from a different entrance.
They find a long hallway where they hear several people talking. They are about to walk down the hallway when they hear, " Buy a flower for the lord?". They turn to see a guy dressed like Jesus with a peaceful look upon his face.
" No thanks.", says Double Odinn7
Jesus then grabs him by the collar and says, " Buy the damn flower!"
Handi, while trying to help Double Odinn7 break free from the Jesus grip, notices several ninjas coming down the hallway toward them. She tries even harder to help break the grip.
Double Odinn7 breaks free from the grip and falls to the floor, landing on his backside, when he hears a strange cracking sound [stop making up your own jokes]. He screams, " The 8-ball!", and falls to a position on his hands and knees while a 100 foot stream of gas shoots out of his butt and down the hallway.
While Jesus is running out of the bus station screaming, "Demon!", the gas clears to reveal several unconscious bodies laying in the hallway. Double Odinn7 and Handi walk down the hallway to a door at the end, through which they find Mida Finga tied to a chair while Sof is standing just outside the double doors talking to this guy dressed in a nazi uniform, holding a whip, saying, " Do you come here often?".
The Chief is standing outside the bus station as he sees Double Odinn7, Handi, Sof, and Mida walk out of the station.
" You have, amazingly, done it again Double Odinn7!", says the Chief, " I would also like to thank Handi and Sof for their invaluable assistance and hope that they will consider working with the agency."
The Chief then reaches out his hand to Double Odinn7 and says, " I would like to shake your hand."
As Double Odinn7 reaches out to shake the Chief's hand, the cue ball falls out of his hand, rolls out into the street, and is run over by a passing car.
From a cloud of gas, you can hear, " Who am I?"
The End
Be sure to check out the further adventures of Double Odinn7
In his latest adventure, he goes undercover as a proctologist in 'The Spy Who Gloved Me'
Feel free to add to the adventures of Double Odinn7 if you like. Suggest new plots or titles. How about villian names? Anything you wish to add.
Post Edited (08-06-05 11:08)
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