The truly terrible joke thread

[El Misfit]

There are these two neighbors who are arguing at each other, one of them complains the other guys house if full of cracks. the other guy said he's not a crack head.

[Allhallowsday]

 

[retrorussell]

A man goes to the grocery store and gets the biggest bag of dog food he can find, a 40-pound bag.  He slings it onto the counter.  The teller recognizes him as a neighbor but has never seen a dog at his house.  "Why are you getting this?" she asks.
"For my dog." he says.
"I don't think you own a dog."
"But I do!  Why won't you believe me?"
"Tell you what, bring your dog in to prove to me you own one."
Angrily, the man complies and is allowed to purchase the dog food.
The next day the same man buys the largest bag of cat food he can find, a 50-pound bag.  The teller doesn't recall seeing a cat at his house.
"Sorry, I need you to bring in your cat to prove you own one and I'll let you buy the bag."
The man leaves in a huff, returns with his cat and buys the bag.
The next day the man brings a big hefty bag full of some unknown matter.  He plops it on the counter.  The teller wrinkles her nose and asks what's in it.
"Put your hand inside and feel." the man says.
She complies and is horrified to find the bag is filled with sh*t.
The man says triumphantly, "There!  Now that I've proved I have an a**hole, I can buy toilet paper here!"

[Olivia Bauer]

This entire thread right here is my joke.

http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,133846.0.html

Plenty of shoe jokes to go around.

[diamondwaspvenom]

Why did Edward from Twilight visit Narnia?

Because he's THAT far in the closet.



Why do women like jewish men?

'Cause they're 10% off.

[BTM]

What's the difference between a slut and a b***h?

A slut sleeps with everyone, a b***h sleeps with everyone but you.

[Raffine]

What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?


A receding hareline.

[Silverlady]

What's red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?
A parrot in a blender.

[WilliamWeird1313]

Copy-and-pasted.

I found this one on a website (URL below) I was skimming the other night, all about the folklore of death. This was in the humor section. I thought it was so terrible, yet still funny, and I figured it belonged in this thread.

There once was a man who had no arms. He decided on day that he needed a job, so he looked thru the want-ads in search of work. He saw listed "Bell ringer for local church." When he applied, the minister of the church said he didn't think he could perform the task of bellringer without arms, but he told him he would prove that he could do the job. So they went up to the bell tower and he went to the opposite side and ran as hard as he could toward the bell and banged his head against it and sure enough the bell rang, so the minister gave him the job. Everyday, year after year he rang the bell. One day he tripped and fell out of the tower. A crowd of people gathered around, one lady said "this is just horrible, does anyone know this man." A gentleman spoke up and said "I dont know his name but his face rings a bell."

source: http://www.alsirat.com/deathlore/

[diamondwaspvenom]

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

Because he saw his gas bill.

[indianasmith]

Three football players for a big 10 college flunked their World History Exam.
They were strong, fast, good players, but had the collective IQ of a bowl of potato salad.
The coach talked to the President, the President talked to the Dean, and the Dean had a chat with the professor.  He called them all in said "OK, goons, I've been directed to give you another chance at my exam which you all flunked.  I've simplified the process a bit.  I will ask each of you one question orally and you will respond orally.  If ONE of you gets this ONE question right, all three of you will pass the class and be allowed to play.  But you must come in one at a time and not talk about the question after you've had it."
  The three went into the hall, and then one came in alone.  The professor said: "Here you go.  Simple question. What is Easter?"
  The player's face scrunched up as he thought, then lightened.  "Ooh-ooh!"  He said.  "I knows it!  That's the holiday in the fall where we roast a giant bird and hold a feast to celebrate the Plymouths landing at Pilgrim Rock!!!"
  "Wrong!" snapped the prof.  "Next!"
  The next player filed in and the prof repeated the question.  The player buried his face in his palms, thought a moment, then said "Ooh-ooh!! I knows it!! That's the big holiday in December when we put a dead tree in the living room and the fat old hippie in the red suit comes down the chimley and leaves presents for everybody!"
   "WRONG!!!" said the professor, who was by now enjoying himself immensely.  "Nest!"
   The third player stepped in.  The prof said: " Both your buddies blew it.  It's all on you now.  What is Easter?"
   Without hesitation the young man answered: "Easter is when we celebrate the Resurrection of a man named Jesus Christ.  He was crucified by the Romans two thousand years ago, and on the third day the angels came and rolled the stone away from his tomb and he came out alive again. Ever since then, every Easter, the angels come down and roll away the stone and Jesus comes out.  And if He sees His shadow we have six more weeks of bad weather!"

[Doggett]

Why do muppets never have casual sex?

It always comes with strings attached.

[Chainsawmidget]

Four guys had died are were waiting to get through the Pearly Gates into heaven.  To pass the time while they waited, one of them asked the others how they died. 

The first guy said, "I was really paranoid that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early suspecting there was a man in the room with her.  I searched the whole room, but didn't find anything.  Then I saw a shadow just outside the window.  I picked up this big trunk at the foot of the bed at threw it at him.  The strain gave me a heart attack and I died." 

The Second Man said, "I had just got a job washing windows when suddenly something flew out from inside and hit me.  I lost my balance and fell to my death." 

The third guy said, "I was just out jogging, and I paused to catch my breath.  When I looked up, I saw a big trunk and some guy falling towards me."

The fourth guy looked at them and scratched his head a bit.  "Man, that's rough, but at least you guys all know how you died.  Al I know is that I was hiding in a trunk from some crazy guy and next thing you know, I'm here."

[El Misfit]

in 1902, the first Dalmatian was spotted.

[Trevor]

I just heard that Osama Bin Laden has gone green: he now has head-conditioning.