Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
Slime Rating: *** - I give this movie three slimes as it was moderately fun to watch standard Friday the 13th incoherency with a lackluster main event of Jason vrs. a telekinetic.Map of Crystal Lake
Yes, I decided to continue my self torture by enduring this “ass from the past,” part 7, “The New Blood”. This is basically Jason vs. Carrie, not the first Friday gimmick and certainly not the last, but hey, at least they didn’t try any, “this is the final Friday” s**t on this one, right? And this isn’t the Carrie from the 70s –the meek, mousy, daughter of a crazy preacher woman …no no…this is nerf-metal era Carrie, aka Tina, in the age of the hair bands. She’s a likeable enough Final Girl™ I guess but she’s no Ginny from part 2 either. But it is pseudo-refreshing to have somewhat of a challenge for Jason. For one thing, she’s got the telekinetic powers that emerge under extreme emotion …but she’s also got some form of ESP, which gives her the ability to have visions of Jason cracking some heads.
But what’s with the title? “The New Blood” – I don’t get it. Who came up with that? Hell, when I watched the trailer for this flick for the first time back when I was a teen, I didn’t get it then. “new blood” – isn’t every new Friday flick going to feature some new blood? What’s new about this blood that makes all the other blood old? Is this just a catchphrase that never got over? I think they got this subtitle from the list of most boring slasher titles.
Rumor has it that part seven was supposed to be Freddy vs Jason but New Line and Paramount couldn’t come to an agreement, so they had to come up with another gimmick. It’s probably just as well that Freddy vs. Jason didn’t appear until 2003 (well after New Line bought the Jason character) as it probably ended up with better effects and a better story than if it had come out in 1988. On the other hand, however, from a Marketing standpoint, they may have raked in more dough had it been released in the late 80s as both icons were in their prime. I’ll opine that it was better to come later as it did with a better story and enough time off from each to be somewhat refreshing in this new era of torture-horror flicks.
Back to the flick that we actually got…Jason is played by yet another new guy, Kane Hodder, who is the only person to date that has played Jason more than once (7, 8, 9, and 10). Some Friday die-hards (yes they do exist) say Kane’s the best Jason…I’m not sure I agree. Yes he’s imposing, he grunts, and has great body language considering he must emote through a bronze-age goalie mask. He also kills the Friday population in much more interesting ways than most of the Jasons and Faux-Jason (pt 5) from before (although the Jason from part 4 could give any of the rest a run for their money as far as brutality goes). Instead of just a quick stab, Kane’s Jason seems to enjoy the crushing. But Kane is a hulking guy and plays the part very well, although he doesn’t sprint around like the early Jason, however he’s in full zombie mode in this one kids…and he’s p**sed as ever.
One thing I will say about Jason in this one, and perhaps I only notice this from having recently watched 2 and 4 is that he’s much more visualized than prior entries …there’s not much sneaking around with him out of view. We see Jason a lot in this flick … and sometimes we see some very close and disturbing shots of him. As he hulks around we get several glimpses of his skeletal frame, withered from a lot of time underwater. And again in this flick, he showcases some special powers that may or may not be due to his undead status. It’s like he and Crystal Lake are one being as he knows where everyone is at all times and knows when they will show up.
Another observation – this movie makes you hate a few victims so much that you can’t wait for them to die, effectively making the audience root for the psycho—hillbilly-zombie, at least until his confrontation with Tina. Yes, you’ll be waiting for b***hy girl to get hers and cheering when even Psychologist doctor bites it (because in the 80s, all Psychologists are evil donchano). This movie was totally made for the fans and obviously Jason is there to evoke the audeince's bloodlust.
Overall, it’s a fun movie to rib …so many things in this made me wince and cringe…and this is the epitome of stupid horror film victims who always…and I mean always shout out their recently deceased friend’s names in the darkness as they are about to get theirs. There’s some really head-scratching logic displayed by some of the victims too. I know if I were getting it on in a van and it started shaking, instantly I would guess that it must be the birthday boy who never showed up that had to be responsible. The film makes great logical sense (sarcasm) as well …everyone seems to run right into the same corpse on a stick in the huge woods, teens always crash the car, teens are always on the brink of a mental breakdown, etc.Observations:
•Damn…for a campground, this place sure has a lot of new houses being erected…and isn’t it interesting that they are all built to look, “old” like they’ve actually been there for a very long time.
•Ok, Tina’s family hung out at a lake house when she was little yet they never heard about the curse of Crystal Lake? And exactly when is this and wouldn’t one of the prior episodes be going on about this time? Like maybe the original, the 2nd, or maybe the 3rd? Hell, maybe her dad’s body has been dead and floating at the bottom of the lake since the first Friday.
•Speaking of which, the local authorities do a p**s-poor job of recovering missing bodies. Didn’t Tina’s mother even try to conduct a search for her abusive husband under the docks?
•A major difference I noticed between this and the old-old school Fridays –no sense of isolation – in part 2 they show how secluded the place is – so out of the way. Here there’s no concept of loneliness. Things I've Learned from this movie:
If you only have one or two defining character attributes, you'll have a short life span
Psychopaths have powers of teleportation
Psychiatrists yell and scream at their patients for best theraputic methods
Crystal Lake building contractors make a hell of a lot of money
Jason carries around lawn and garden power tools for those extra special occasions
Stoners fall all the time and trip over everything.
Psychos can sneak up on you no matter what and always know where you are, even if they stink to high heaven from never bathing, rotting in a grave for awhile, or from rotting underwater for years!Standard Slasher Film Lessons Apparent in this Movie:
If you have sex, you will summon a psycho instantly, and he will kill you in a brutal fashion.
If you poke smot you will die horribly.
If you say "I'll be right back" you will most surely die in the the following two minutes
If you yell out someone's name, you will most surely die in the following two minutes
If you try to have sex and are thoroughly rejected, you will die
If nature calls, you will surely die.
Jason likes to shake things to mess with his prey. In this movie he shakes a van but most of the time he has a thing for shaking outhouses.Memorable Quotes:
David: "What a stupid place to put a lamp!"
Maddy: "need a little touch up, my ass"
Sleeping Bag Chick: "c'mon you big hunk of a man; come get me....AHHHHHH!" ...thud
Dr. Cruiz [paraphrased], "you're repressing feelings of guilt due to your father's death"
Tina: "speak English!"
Sci Fi Geek[paraphrased]: "I've been rejected by the finest Sci-fi publication houses in the continential United States!"
Amanda [to sci fi nerd trying to get it on]: "well at least I gave you a chance...I was hoping Nick would come back and find us"
Sci Fi Nerd: "looks like I have a date with some soap on a rope"
Amanda [to Tina and Mr. Niceguy]: "F**# you...F**# you both" opens door, Jason axes her in the face and gives her the ol' toss-of-doom over a TV set.
Maddy, "David? is that you? Stop fooling around"
Robin, "David? is that you? Stop fooling around"
Ben, "Michael? is that you? (blows in party-favor) Stop fooling around"
Kate, "Ben? is that you? Stop fooling around"Things to watch for
Before Sci-fi geek gets it, we see Amanda sneaking out - she heads to Cruiz's cabin but why?
Jason emerges from the lake, walks five miles to kill some campers, then comes back for the rest...um ok.
Tina the stalker
Check out Robin's skeletal, anorexic-looking back when she's on top of David - eat a steak sandwich lady!
David left his red underwear on when he did Robin - he must be a dry-rider.
Is it me or does Jason's mask look a bit chalky white in this episode when in most others it has more of a tainted yellow tinge.Good
Tina is a good challenge for Jason – one of the better (but not the best) Final Girls™
Interesting musical score – late 80s industrial electronic juxtaposed with the classic Friday sound –ok not great or anything but the “good list” is looking a little short
Jason is hulking, menacing, and ugly as hell
Creative kills: sleeping bag, najinata stab, tent spike, tree trimmer, axe-to-the-head, a party favor, head-crushing, drowning, among the usual methods.
Appearance of the second Mom in the series.Bad
Tina looks like a Debbie Gibson-wanna be.
Portrayal of Tina’s stereotypical wife-beating drunken father –we’re told but not really shown
Tina’s stereotypical wife-beating drunken father
Tina’s stereotypical wife-beating drunken father’s wardrobe and hair
The wanna-be sci-fi writer
Too many similarities to part IV
Jason just kinda standin’ there waiting for Carri…I mean, Tina to do her thing
Getting all dolled up and heading out to the tool shed because the script says so
The throwing-of-the cat false scare...a cat that typically hasn't been noticed beforeUgly
Jason’s withered corpse with his bones all sticking out – meant to be ugly – nice touch with the chain noose
Jason unmasked face looks like it was on fire and put out with a pitchfork
The dude wearing the totally 80s scarf
Robin's skeletal back shot
Characters doing the same old stupid clichés by yelling out their friends name
The sleeping bag kill – I must have an edited version because I clearly remember Jason slamming that sleeping bag into the tree at least a couple times
“The Terminator” reference omg.
Tina’s stereotypical wife-beating drunken father’s ghost at the end - wtf!Recap
Ok, this is sketchy so I’m sure I have some parts of the second act (if you wanna call it that) out of order, but you’ll get the idea – the sequence isn’t all that important as you can about guess where it leads). Also, some of the kills aren’t too detailed as I should probably save something for those of you who haven’t viewed it yet. This is my rough draft done mostly from memory so I’ll be back to revise/edit after I watch it again –time’s been too short to watch all these bad moviesIncoherent Montage voiced by Crazy Ralph
Well we start off with a montage provided by a narrator who's been dead since part 2, “there’s a legend around here” describing the previous horrors of Crystal Lake. We get to see highlights of a few kills from the previous movies ...or at least from parts 2, 4, and 6. Funny thing is that none of the characters in this flick have heard anything about these legends. The last bit of montage shows Jason becoming the zombie we all know him as, ending with Tommy throwing chains around him, sinking him to the bottom of the lake.Flashback
We get through this montage of killings and notice Jason's corpse floating in the water. Next we find ourselves in the past at Crystal Lake. Apparently some guy takes his family to a house at Crystal Lake, seemingly unaware of the prior killings. At first, I was uncertain what else might be going on in the Friday timeline during this flashback but Friday flicks have never been about consistency or coherency because they show Jason's body chained to a rock far below when this flashback occurs
. Chronologically, Jason should be currently rampaging across the lake at Higgin’s Haven during this flashback…or his mother is killing some councilors about now.
At any rate, we see young Tina running out to the Docks, angry for some reason. Her Father, as the story says, is a drunken wife-beater, who follows Tina out to the dock. She rows herself out in the water and mumbles something about him hitting mom and being drunk. Funny thing is though, he doesn’t look drunk and her mom doesn’t look beaten. Maybe she’s just really p**sed about his hair and/or wardrobe.
She gets super-p**sed and uses her telekinesis to smash the docks he’s standing on, sending him to a watery grave, where his body rests for several years. Flash forward to the present day (and passed a lot of murders) and it was just a dream…or a dream about the real past – something. Everyone’s always dreaming or hallucinating in these flicks so it’s always hard to tell wtf is real.Return to Crystal Lake
Tina and Momma Sheppard are riding back to Crystal Lake (previously known as Forest Green in the last episode -but this is not addressed), under orders from an evil Psychologist. Apparently Tina’s been in a mental institution (as almost every kid in an 80s horror flick) due to trauma from killing her father. They arrive at the Lake House and notice, just like in part 4, there’s a neighboring group of partying teens who are so obviously not teens. A guy who resembles bear hunter from part 4 shows up. She drops her luggage and he tries to help while some of the new victims look on – we get the vibe that they’re pretty much jerks. This guy is different I suppose - Mr. Nice Guy. Ressurection
It gets dark and we’re back in the house. There’s some bickering with the doctor as he tries to document Tina’s use of power. She gets p**sed and runs out to the docks and attempts to summon her father, like he’d be alive or something. Instead she brings up our favorite hillbilly zombie, and naturally faints (why not?!). Well, I guess I’ve seen worse ways to bring back a slasher –I’m looking at you part 8 (not to mention a dog p**sing on Freddy’s bones in Nightmare 4 but I digress).
Jason sees no reason to kill her now as it’s not in the script so he leaves the area, walks five miles, and looks for a lost and late couple. For some reason, Jason thinks it’s best to avoid the two houses full of people and race far into the deep woods and find a few lone victims for the first night.
Jason finds the missing couple before anyone else can. Hell, he should work for Sallie Mae. Apparently, it’s the guy’s birthday and they’re running late. The unmemorable girl mentions the party waiting for him. Well, suffice to say, these two die and Jason makes a tree ornament out of the guy, Michael, right in the forest where everyone will eventually walk by it, whenever the script demands it.
Tina wakes up from fainting, freaks about summoning a zombie, and runs back to mom and the doc. Of course the doc doesn’t believe it. He describes the situation as her repressed guilt from murdering her father and she apparently has a 3rd grade vocabulary because she demands that he speak English…funny, I thought he was. I guess that’s “psycho babble” or something. Meet the Deadbeat Party
A little while later, Mr. Niceguy comes over to return a shirt that Tina had dropped. He invites her over to meet everyone at the party so she does, against the doc’s wishes. Here we get to meet Sci-fi nerd, geeky girl, scrawny ho, b***hy-b***h, stoner boy, Mister Badscarf, his girl, and the token black couple. We learn right away that Scarfboy's uncle owns the place and also that Scarfboy is a neurotic party pooper - I guess that's all the character trait he'll need.
b***hy-b***h acts, well, b***hy…so we can’t wait for her to die. Sci-fi geek immediately pulls Tina aside and proposes a bad movie script of his own –a bad movie within a bad movie (a meta-b-flick?). She’s naturally unimpressed and we the audience groan. Some useless stuff happens and Tina hallucinates someone getting killed by an angry hockey fan, drops her beer, and everyone acts like she’s crazy. C’mon people, I’ve been to plenty of parties and someone dropping or spilling some beer is an all-too-common occurrence. She runs off and back to mommy.
When she runs back to the house, Jason’s been playing around again (we assume it’s him anyway) by sticking a spike in the wall by the door (even though he's five miles away killing lost campers). You see, Jason likes to mess with his pray in non-logical ways before the killing begins (there was no outhouse nearby to shake I guess). Naturally, the doc doesn’t believe her and goes to check and the spike is gone. This guy is hard to buy as a Psychologist. I mean, his therapy methods are a bit questionable – yelling and screaming at patients?
Some point in the night we’re introduced to another couple trekking the woods – who they are, we have no idea. They set up a tent and the guy goes to take a leak or cut some wood (maybe Michael did earlier too …not sure) and as we know…anyone who uses any natural body function in these movies dies …and die he does. Then Jason rips through the tent and the woman freaks and tries to hide in her sleeping bag …big mistake. And what follows is probably the most effed-up (in a cool way) thing about this movie regarding the kills …he grabs the sleeping bag, drags it out, and slams it into the tree! Funny, I could have sworn he slammed it a few times but it was probably cut by censors.
Another segment, not sure which order it happens but who cares…guy with the Miami Vice outfit and the huge lame-ass scarf decides to walk around with his girlfriend. She decides it’s time to skinny dip, pulls off her clothes, and jumps in. He’s pokey about joining her and Jason gets him for waiting around. She comes up for air and notices his dead body and somehow Jason has gotten in the water and proceeds to pull her under.
Next morning Tina explains to Mr. Niceguy about her powers, the mental institution, and her visions of his cousin biting the dust. He’s unsure what to think. b***hy-b***h stalks them, overhears this, and uses this info later. Later she goes over to the party house looking for Niceguy and b***hy-b***h uses the sci-fi nerd to punk her out, making him wear his jacket backwards. She predictably freaks and makes b***hy’s necklace pop, freaks again, and leaves.Thinning of the Cast
Boring $h!t happens – it gets dark, the kids poke smot and drink. Stoner and scrawny ho get it on upstairs after she tells her geeky friend off. Geeky friend decides to go upstairs and get dolled up, then abruptly heads out to the tool shed (?!) where Jason’s just waiting. Ok, who’s idea was it to build a nasty tool shed with nasty tools in an area with a long line of history regarding a psychopathic killer? What a stupid uncle! Anyway, Jason chases her around for awhile until he busts through the wall behind her. That Jason – he always knows where you are!
Flash to token black couple having token sex in the token Scooby van. Someone shakes it and they naturally assume it’s birthday boy who’s been missing for a day or so, exactly what I would have guessed! The guy gets out, looks around, and Jason crushes his head. Girl calls out, looks out window, and gets a token party favor in the eye. That Jason –he’s getting so inventive!
b***hy b***h takes sci-fi nerd upstairs to try to make Niceguy jealous but he couldn’t care less. After some fumbling, she tells nerdboy “I gave you a chance” and ditches him, making the audience hate her even more…or maybe not…the guy is such a moron. He complains that he’s been rejected by every publishing house yadda yadda yadda and no one cares. Flash to Tina and the doc getting into an argument again …she takes off in the car, makes it about 30 feet, hallucinates another kill and abruptly wrecks the car into a tree, then flees the scene.
Scrawny ho and stoner finish up and it looks kinda gross believe it or not – as she’s apparently such an anorexic you can see more of her spine sticking out than Jason’s. Look at it …just look at that! Gross scrawny ho eat some twinkies or something. She gives the obligatory boob shot and stoner goes downstairs. Meanwhile Jason comes in, kills nerdy boy while he's opening birthday boy's presents then the stoner dies in the kitchen.
Jason goes upstairs where Robin and him can see who's got the grosses skeleton ...j/k. She gets the heebie jeebies and checks another room calling out for David. She checks the closet for a false scare when the cat jumps out! I think she even comments about not noticing a cat in the film before. This false scare sets up the real scare (sarcasm) when Jason comes out and stabs her.
Tina’s mom and the doctor head out to the crash site …Tina’s nowhere to be found. But guess who arrives! Jason pops out with what looks like a Najanati(sp?) –a type of halberd/pole arm weapon. He stabs Tina’s mom real good with it as the doctor put her in the way, making her a shield. Yes we hate the doctor for sure now and can’t wait to see him bite it.
Tina's and Nick are at the house. He decides to go check for his friends and she heads out in the woods to find her mom. She finds Cruiz instead and notices the blood on him. He lies to her at first but then admits her mom is dead. She splits. Then Jason busts out behind him with a power tool! He’s armed with a tree trimmer! The doc makes it away for a few seconds somehow but then Jason surprises him, grabs him in a chokehold, tosses him down, and rips him in half with the tree trimmer. The audience cheers as our bloodlust is satisfied...for the moment.
Ok, so everyone’s dead except Tina, Mr. Niceguy, and b***h-b***h. Tina runs around discovering all the bodies. She at one point goes right to the spot where Jason planted a bunch of bodies and we get the obligatory corpse-drop from the branches . Oh they found the cousin’s body at some point. She finds her mom’s body.
Nick finds all the corpses at the party house but he’s not to bothered as he didn’t like any of them anyway, just like the audience. He goes to Tina’s pad but she’s not there…but funny, b***hy b***h is - why the hell is she there? Nick pulls a gun on her but teases the audience by not shooting her.The Showdown
Tina emerges from the woods and there’s Jason standing across the yard, just kinda waitin’ on her. She says, “Jason” as she found some newspaper clippings about him in the doc's drawer earlier.
See, I think Jason knew right off the bat that she could actually challenge him, which is why he probably wanted to rid the dead weight before they got into it…it’s like he’s giving her every opportunity to bring some kinda challenge because most of the time he just stands there, giving her plenty of opportunity to do something. Poor Jason just seems soo bored with all these easily-killed teens who never give him a fight. Let's Rumble
First thing she does is manipulate the nearby tree branches and tangle Jason up, dropping him in a mud puddle. Then, she strategically snaps a power line and drops it into the puddle, giving Jason a few volts. Jason drops…she does the stupid predictable thing by walking up closer and he gets up like nothing. She hauls ass over to the party house and Jason follows. She telekinetically launches a couch at him, knocking him down, then she runs out, he follows, and she caves in the porch roof. Feeling satisfied, she heads over to her cabin/place and Nick Niceguy and b***hy-b***h are there.
b***hy b***h acts, well…all b***hy and wants to go to bed; she even invites Nick. He declines. She calls them crazy and cusses them. They warn her about going out there, she doubts it, opens the door and Jason axes her in the head and chucks her across the room (awesome)…the audience cheers again!
Nick, Tina, and Jason do a little dance, which is kinda funny as they’re trying to dodge him and make it upstairs, but not before he slams the door shut on them before they can get out of the house. He's so not acting like an actual retard hillbilly zombie in this scene. And Jason sure moves fast in close quarters. They somehow make it upstairs and Jason about gets a hold of Nick. They dash up, Jason follows, Nick can’t open a door, and Tina makes a lamp smash Jason on the head, sending him crashing through the stairs. They make it down around the hole in the stairs and Jason busts through the stair wall. He grabs Nick, tosses him into the wall, and is about to lay some smack down when Tina starts to clench his mask.
The mask squeezes hard and Jason feels the pain…gross icky stuff starts to splurt out and the mask snaps in half, revealing Jason’s morbid, decayed, water logged-face …one of the better Jason unmaskings. She makes a cord come out of the ceiling and starts hanging Jason and rips open the floor and drops him a story. Nick’s out could so she checks on him; naturally, Jason lunges from below and pulls her down in the basement. He gives her a chance to do something so she does –she flips over a jar of nails and sends a volley at him. He rips one out of his head. Now he's looking a little p**sed ...he snaps the chain collar off his neck to show just how p**sed he's getting!
Then she starts spraying him with a can of gas and lights it. The fire wakes Nick up and he and Tina make it outside while Jason spins in the basement on fire. They run out to the dock as the place explodes like an atom bomb! What the hell…did they have nitro in the basement …that was one big explosion. That was one hell of a gas tank down there!
So they think they are safe naturally, but also naturally, that nuclear explosion had no effect on Jason as he sneaks up behind them, grabs Nick, tosses him in the boat, looking all p**sed at Tina. Well, welcome to another bat-sh!t Friday ending …get this…her father’s corpse/ghost/whatever emerges from the water, pulls Jason down on his legs, wraps the chains around him and drags him back down to his watery grave! WTF?! Talk about a disappointment.
Quick note here – you can tell Tina was a novice psionic…there were so many things she could have done – kept a barrage or constant onslaught of flying objects…torn Jason in half literally, hit him with constant force-pushes, crucified him on her front door with nails from a well-stocked garage (sorry had to do a little Black Flag reference there hehe), or just rip him at the molecular level…but oh well.
Fade to the next morning as two old men and a guy with a major mullet are loading our zeros into an ambulance. Tell that guy that Molly Hatchet stopped touring years ago man. Some cop/firefighter finds Jason’s split mask …guess he’ll have to get a new one before his trip to New York (and I've seen pics of Jason's mask in part 8 - and it has the axe wound cut from part 3 wtf?). Anyway, Nick’s all like, “where’s Jason?” and she replies, “we took care of him” …credits. Damn that ending sucked.
Overall an interesting concept but not well executed. The big main event was rather lackluster - we could have used another 10 minutes of fighting - some telekinetic action in the toolshead would have been good - something! And again, this was one of the stupidest endings yet, ranking up with the ending of part 3, 8, and 10, following the lamest theme of "someone" jumping out of the water at the end. Hint script-writers, it was cool when Jason did the out of the water surprise at the end of part 1, but it was retarded to have his headless mother (but with her head in tact) do the same thing in part three, and it was even stupider to have a long dead drunken dad do the same thing to Jason in this flick.