Interactive Bad Movie: Super Porcupine Omelet

[clockworkcanary]

They blast their way into the depths of the corridors.  The Cambodians easily have the red guards on the run.  About this time, Possessed Guard Melvin enters the main control room, just as the blast doors are shut.

Alarms are ringing and several of the camera monitors have been destroyed.  One of the lead guards is in a panick and decides to punch up the Big Boss's number.  A shadowy hand appears on the screen.

Big Boss, in a snarling nasty voice, "what is it captain?"

Captain Dewy: "we're under attack sir"

Big Boss, "Who dares attack Uranus?! Who dares defile the Temple of Critga"

Captain Dewy: "We think it's your long lost broth..."

Big Boss cuts him off with a scream, "NEVER SPEAK HIS NAME!"

Suddenly Captain Dewy is engulfed in flames!

Big Boss, "Lt Midway ...you are in command now.  Order your troops to evacuate and meet us at Critga's domain on Europa...but becareful near Jupiter."

Lt Midway: "what's near Jupiter?"

Big Boss: "The Jovian Jello Jauggernauts - stay clear of them...you've been warned"

Possessed Guard Melvin smiles at the new information and leaves Melvin's body just as the blast doors are rammed in, falling over on Melvin and Midway, killing them instantly. 

Cambodians storm the room, guns-a-blazing!  After the carnage lets up, Darth Brando enters the room with Volga at his side.  He addresses the barely living guards that remain, "ok...where is this Critga!?"

A bloody guard, "sorry sir...your villain is in another castle" and then he croaks.  Ghostly Master Baytes jumps into the Cambodian Captain's body and hitches a ride as everyone heads back to the ship.

[Scott]

While heading back to the ship Lord Brando and his armies stop for dinner near the landing site. The ships cooks come out with only the very best. A creole blend of Venetian and Earth dishes that are out of site. The meal is devoured by the happy camp of Doomtroopers and Lord Brando's personal guard.

Lord Brando: Compliments to the chef garcon.

Waiter: Thank You Lord.

Volga: We couldn't find Jin. Only the body of Aaron.

Lord Brando: Give Aaron a proper burial and see to it his mother gets her milk.

While the sun sets over the jagged mountain ridges of Uranus. Brando records some thoughts of the day.

Lord Brando: I remember picking dandalions in the backyard. We would make dandylion juice. Oh, how I loved that...............that reminds me of warm summer days playing cowboys and indians.................castles?
Now what did that young fellow mean by castles? The planet is now ours and I must see the castles.

The troops loved the words of their Lord as always holding him close to their hearts. Soon the sun would set behind the range and the good Lord and his armies boarded the ships for the night and rested for their morning castle search.

Lord Brando: Volga, if we find a nice castle can we stay? Never had a castle......

Volga smiles tenderly towards Lord Brando as two life long loves could only do.

Volga: A castle would be fine my Lord.

[clockworkcanary]

Chapter 3.57231: Mons Olympus

meanwhile...

Jin and Aaron finally wake up ...they find themselves laying face down in some sand dunes, lost somewhere in the vast red desert.   They crash landed somehow...neither of them remember what happened.  They were thrown from the ship luckily as pieces of the vehicle are strewn about.

Aaron, spitting out some sand, "damn m# f#ng desert!"

Jin, "like, bogus!"

Aaron, "let's search the remains of that piece of $h!t wreckage and see if there's anything useful"

Jin, "gnarly"

[Scott]

Jin: Where did you go Aaron

Aaron: I'm over hear.

Jin: What?

About 50 yards away Aaron is seen waving to Jin.

Aaron: I'm over hear ! Look what I found !

Jin runs over to Aaron and they find a women wearing pajamas, a red blanket, and holding a spatula.

Jin: Who are you?

Poogie: My name is Poogie and I'm from California.

Jin: So am I...........From L.A.

Poogie: I know you just came from Uranus.

Jin: Whoa ! ! !

Aaron: She means the planet.

Jin: Oh, ok.

Poogie: Oh, ok what?

Jin: I was just talking to Aaron.........Poogie this is Aaron.

Poogie doesn't see anything except Jin's hand extended.

Poogie: Jin, Aaron is dead. I've read the script.

Jin: Was afraid of that.

Aaron whispers to Jin.

Aaron: She's obviously working for Crigta.

Jin pinches Aaron

Aaron: Ouch ! ! !............What'd you do that for?

Aaron punches Jin

Jin: For a while.

Aaron: ha ha....your stupid jokes

Jin: Just making sure she's lying.

Aaron: Cool.

Jin and Aaron start walking the surface of the red planet and Poogie follows .

Poogie: I have to delete my last post ! ! ! Can you help me?

Aaron: This cat's crazy.

Jin: You'll have to go to Uranus to delete your last post.

Jin and Aaron start cracking up rolling in the red soil.

Poogie: Take me to Lord Brando ! Now ! ! !

Jin and Aaron look at each other......................

[Poogie]

Poogie: "How did I get in these Martha Stewart pajamas and what's with this fly swatter thing? And where the heck am I ? Is this a dream ? I found this old script at the swap meet and read part of it and fell asleep and waaaalllllllaaaaa, I'm here. And why do I  want to see Lord Brando ? There's something about a post I'm suppose to get rid of." I'm going back to sleep, wake me when you need me to kill some bugs or something." She lays down slowly and falls asleep, hanging on to her fly swatter thing and blanket, mumbling, "suuuppperrrr poooorcuuuupiiine ommmelet....I have to make the porcupine omelet."

[Scott]

Jin and Aaron pick up the red blanket that Poogie had left in the sand. The red blanket that Poogie was holding was not a blanket at all, but rather a straight-jacket.

Jin: What's this?

Aaron: Looks like a staight-jacket.

Jin: We'll put her in the staight-jacket for now and we'll take her to Lord Brando and see what he has to say, but first we must find Jasmine.

Aaron: What about the blue X?

Jin: We can look around, but I'm not joking when I say I don't know what it means.

With Poogie in her red straight-jacket and in tow Jin and Aaron head in the direction of the blue X on the map.

Poogie: You better let me go. I have to get to Brando. My husband is probably waiting for dinner. Your lucky my husbands not here.

Jin and Aaron put some loose cloth in their ears to block the noise coming from their new companion. When suddenly they find a dirt road.

Aaron: Jin, a dirt road.

Jin: Which way should we go?

Pointing towards the sun.

Aaron: This way.

After miles of walking and low on vacuumed water they see a structure in the distance...............Back on Uranus Volga approaches Lord Brando

Volga: Lord Brando, this Poogie ended up on Mars.

Lord Brando: Well.....at least she's here to undo what she has done. Imagine messing with the matrix like that. She has deleted her entry on the other side, but it hasn't been deleted here and the matrix can only be accessed and changed by the one who made the entry. Strictly a security function of the matrix.

Volga: Why? what has she done?

Lord Brando: Because of her it will be the moose's breeding season forever.

Volga: That will be an advantage to Crigta.

Lord Brando: If you want to call it that. It will be chaos my love.

[clockworkcanary]

Aaron, Jin, Celest, and Poogie pick up the pace as they see the first sign of civilization since they arrived.

Jin: "what could it be?"

Aaron, "looks like a boathouse"

Poogie and Jin, "a boathouse?"

Aaron, "yeah...which means there has to be water"

Poogie, "hey how come it's hot here anyway?  I thought Mars was supposed to be very cold?!"

Aaron and Jin shrug and they head on into the boathouse.  Once inside, they see a plethora of docks that once housed small skiff house-boats that sailed through the Martian Canals.  Most of the docks are damaged or decayed...long since abandoned, but one ship seems to be in good order.

Celest just kinda stands there.

Jin, "let's go!"

They hop into the boat and start heading down the canal, but little did they realize...

[Scott]

Little did they realise that Celest was just standing there.

Aaron: Jin.......look

Jin: That's Celest !

Celest makes a big sucking sound which is how they say "hello" on her home planet. Poogie attempts a return greeting in the same manner.

Jin: What was that?

Poogie: I was just being friendly.

Jin: Don't worry she's on our side........Celest where's Jasmine?

Celest points to a water cavern and the group all get into the skiff house-boat

Jin: Aaron, I don't think I want to take Poogie to Uranus after what Lord Brando did to us, but I seem to be draw towards him. He's like a distant light in the dark.

Poogie: Brando didn't inject you with nukes. They were just some kind of monitors.

Jin: Aaron, I think she works for Crigta.

Aaron: Told ya.

Jin: We're not going to Uranus. Besides we don't have anyway of getting there.

While Jin and his company sail towards the water cavern Lord Brando is running into problems.

Volga: Lord Brando I've just been told by the crew that there is a plumbing problem in the troops quarters.. Henry couldn't make the trip and is still on Venus with the tools.

With the recorder already on.......

Lord Brando: It's morning and I'm in the middle of pancake soup.  Spongy little cakes swimming in dark maple syrup.

From under the breakfast canopy Lord Brando motions to the ships stable keeper to put the horses back in the shade.

Lord Brando: We're without a plumber? I'll take care of it myself.

Lord Brando heads back into the ship for his personal tool box. While some of the curious Cambodian Guard follow. Finding a water break in one of the Doomtroopers bathrooms....he gets to work.

Lord Brando: Ah, this is easy. I take care of it in a jiffy. You guys get out the mops !

As a couple Doomtroopers get the mops Lord Brando cuts and threads some new pipe and gets it together. The Doomtroopers and a few Cambodian Guardsmen in the bathroom watching start to celebrate.

Brando: Did everyone get pancake soup. It's delicious.

In a native tongue

Cambodian Guardsmen: Are we still looking for castles today?

Brando answers in the Guardsmens native tongue.

Brando: Yes, have you ever seen a castle? Back on Earth long ago they were plentiful. Impressive structures. They didn't have forks....................................

While Lord Brando headed back outside he spoke at length on the history of medieval Europe.

Meanwhile back on Mars Jin and his company enter the water cave.................

[clockworkcanary]

...it's a murky cave...Aaron, Jin, and company head down the canal in a little steam boat.  They all join in on a verse of "row row row your boat" until the waters of the canal pick up the pace...

Aaron, "$h!t, this b!tch is movin'"

Jin, "yes...it leads to the Oracle..."

Aaron, "wtf you talkin' about?"

Jin shakes his head, "I mean...uh..., like..., um...totally"

Jin looks around and notices that Celest has discovered a crate.  They approach.  Aaron looks at the label on the crate, "From Antarctica"

Jin, "well...

[Scott]

Getting closer to the crate they smell something sweet. The steamboat paddles start to slow down with the paddles getting clogged with a sticky substance. The steamboat just feet from the landing point were the crate is within the cave. Jumping into the sticky waters Celest opens the large crate to find four penguins holding and ready to serve pancakes.

Jin: Whoa ?

Poogie: Let's eat ! ! !

Aaron: I haven't the appetite.

Back on Uranus Brando finishes his pancake soup and singing his favorite song.

Lord Brando: Animal crackers in my soup.........loopty loop.

With the crate being used as a table. The penguins scoop up some of the sticky liquid from the sweet waters while our gang on Mars sits down to a nice pancake meal. When suddenly a voice from the caverns

Lord Brando: Wakey wakey.

Startled. Jin, Poogie, and even Celeste look around with pancakes in their mouths.

Lord Brando: Continue eating my friends. I'm sending an escort to Mars to pick you up and bring you back to Uranus. It seems that Poogie has messed up the solar plumbing as well as the hormones of moose everywhere. Lord only knows what will go wrong next. Your escort ship with be along shortly.

With that our party of four finish their pancakes and head back to the surface for the rendezvous.

Poogie: Those were good pancakes.

Thinking of Jasmine and the oracle. Jin begins to think of a way out because he also doesn't want to return to Lord Brando.....................

[clockworkcanary]

Jin, talking to Celest, "can you hotwire this shuttle?"

Celest in monotone, "Affirmative"

Aaron, "then get to it"

Celest enters the small, orange shaped orange of an orange-looking shuttle craft.

Poogie: "hmmm looks kinda orange"

Celest, in monotome, "Task Complete Captain"

They all board the craft, shut the door, and they pull the big orange switch.  The craft launches from the martain desert, out of the atmosphere, past Phobos, and up into deep space.

Aaron approaches the computer and controls, "damn...it's all orange!"  After a few minutes he figures out the monitor controls.

Jin, "like...where we headin now dude?"

Aaron, "looks like we're heading back to Earth"

Everyone cheers as they are getting rather homesick!  Well...everyone except Aaron.

Jin, "Aaron what's wrong?"

Aaron, "um...ok...this is bad...

Poogie, "what? what could it be?  ...where are we going?"

Jin takes a look, "oh God no!  anywhere but there!"

Poogie, "WHERE?!"

Aaron swallows hard, "looks like we're heading to Cleveland, Ohio"

Poogie, looking rather worried, "Celest...can you change course?!"

Celest, "Negative"

Poogie utters some explicit deleted words and then frowns.

Finally, the ship enters orbit and they land on the outside skirts of Cleveland.  They feel the slight mist of high mercury content rust water from Lake Erie as they choke from the dirty air.

Aaron, "where to now?"

Jin, "where else?  the Bar!"


.......................................................

Two hours later... in some bar in Cleveland...

[Scott]

In a drunken stupor and dreaming of Jasmines warm embrace. When abruptly Jin is awakened by Drew Carey. Looking around he then sees 100's of Drew Carey clones running the streets and knows it's the work of Lord Brando. Heading over to the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Jin grabs a real guitar and blows away every Drew Carey clone in Cleveland.

Jin: Whoa ! ! !

Aaron: What'd you do that for?

Jin: For a while....

Aaron: That's funny Jin.

Jin: I never liked Drew Carey..........Drives me crazy.

Poogie looking at Jin.

Poogie: Who you talking to?............. I want to go home !

Suddenly in the sky seven ships are approaching Cleveland, Ohio.................

[clockworkcanary]

...meanwhile...

Lord Brando sits in his chambers alone, studying alien artwork.  An officer comes in to inform him they've arrived in Ohio air space and they are hovering above Cleveland.

Brando: "yes yes...I recognize the stench...now leave me"

After the ensign leaves and the doors shut, Brando continues with his song he was singing before...

"I saw the little wench sitting there on the log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda, Y-o-d-a, Yoda.
I asked him where I could find my love and he pointed this way and in a raspy voice he said a-Volga, V-o-l-g-a, Volga, vol-vol-vol va-volg-aaaa!"

Volga comes in, but with a backing band and a group of dancers ...and they all join in the song....

[Scott]

Lord Brando: Volga could you ask that officer to come back in. I was just reciting some lines from a movie I once turned down. If you could just ask him back in so I could apologize.

Volga: Yes my Lord.

Lord Brando: Thank you my love.

Officer returns to the room.

Lord Brando: Please sit. I must apologize as I was just thinking about some old lines of a script I once had when you walked in. Have some snacks because Volga just brought the band in and we are singing a little tune.

A second officer comes in and informs everyone they are approaching Cleveland.

Lord Brando: Ah yes....Volga be sure to bring the ruby slippers. Lets find Jin and Poogie. We have things to do.

Officer: Where should we land?

Lord Brando: At the airport of course. Where's Captain Nguyen?

The starship lands at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport while the others ships hover.....................

[Doc Daneeka]

Following the ships, Jin, Aaron, Poogie, and Celeste run to the airport to find Brando, Volga and Nguyen/Baytes in the terminal, surrounded by Cambodians.

Aaron: Aww, s**t!

Jin: No!

Celeste: I am to assume these are threats?

Self-preservation mode, celeste disappears in a staticy screen

Brando: Jin? Aaron? But both of you are dead!

Aaron: He must have found my rock double

Jin: And the aardvark took those bombs... or trackers... or whatever crazy s**t you put in us!

Aaron: So this means we could have stayed put and he might not have chased us anymore?

Jin: Does this mean we've been shanghaied again? This is just like a damn chapter play!

Brando: You don't understand the importance of this event! I will stop Crigta's rise by any means necessary!

Jin: Really? Was there any better way than forcible explosive self-sacrifice?

Brando: No! And now we've wasted valuable time. You didn't even pick up the weapon on mars did you?

Jin & Aaron gasp. Celeste reactivates, gasps, and deactivates again. Poogie zones out and "Huh?"s.

Nguyen/Baytes: You didn't? I gave you the map and everything!

Brando: Nguyen?

Jin and Aaron: Mas- (Cover eachother's mouths)

Poogie: Oh, Baytes? Jack Baytes?

Nguyen/Baytes: Poogie?

Celeste: (Reactivates) Jack Baytes, born-

Nguyen/Baytes: Refresh!

Celeste: (virtual brainfart)

An awkward pause among all parties

Brando: ...<Capture them!>

The Cambodians run into action, pursuing our heroes (sans Baytes) who dash back to the bar

Jin: Volga, come with us!

Volga sadly stays, wondering if she is doing the right thing. Volga, and Brando are left alone

Volga: Lord Brando, should we really be forcing them into this?

Brando begins to speak, only to notice Nguyen/Baytes still stands by them

Brando: No! damn you, get Captain Nguyen too! D'Oh... So I see you do not die easily. I expected you would not perish in such a minor altercation. Why do we fight on opposite sides? Do you not see the power we could have once we have the Big Boss out of our way?

Nguyen/Baytes: As basic as this goal is for both of us, we do not go about it in the same ways. If you do succeed in stopping Crigta and your brother then-

Brando: He... is not... MY BROTHER, ANYMORE!

Nguyen/Baytes: How naive, and out of the mouth of the great Darth Brando nonetheless...

Brando: I want Nguyen's body back you treacherous thing!

Brando, Volga, and Baytes all strike battle position. Cut to our heroes running down the street, chased by Brando's army

Poogie: So once we give these guys the slip, what next? Will I be able to delete my post?

Jin: Will the shuttle work again?

Celeste: Affirmative.

Jin: Then we head back to Mars and try to find that weapon, then we find Jasmine and the others!

They all dash back into the bar, where they find...