Interactive Bad Movie: Super Porcupine Omelet

[Scott]

.........where they find Jasmine with a strange weapon.

Jin: Jasmine?

Jasmine: Has it been that long Jin? Quick into the bathroom everyone.

Once inside the bathroom they find the pipes are broken and water gushing everywhere. Jasmine flushes from a stall and suddenly they are back inside Uranus.

Jasmine: This is what we're going to do. Kill Crigta and the Boss. Remember all of their forces are in tact and the moose population is rapidly growing on the surface. Oh....and be sure to watch your step it seems that the plumbing is backed up down here.

Jin: Why are we here doing this. We should be hiding out in L.A.

Jasmine: Jin does the girl still have the spatula?

Poogie: It's inside my jacket.

Jasmine: Unwrap her Jin. What's that all about?

Jin: She works for Crigta.

Jasmine: Lord Brando showed me the future and she was to bring the spatula.

Jin: Brando ! ! !

Jasmine: He is the Messiah of the Universe.

Jin not knowing where to turn next unwraps Poogies red straight jacket revealing a golden spatula.

Poogie: I've got a new stove at home and some replacement is baking cookies for my hubby Dennis. I must get home.

Jasmine: Don't worry honey. Lord Brando will be along shortly as soon as he takes care of Master Baytes.

Jin: Master Baytes will defeat Brando with one hand tied behind his back.

Jasmine: Jin, you don't even know what your talking about. Lord Brando is helping you even now.

Jin: Can I at least have a kiss?

With a smile Jasmine responds

Jasmine: You'll just have to ask Celeste.

Meanwhile The Horde Of The Dead are running through the corridors of Uranus due to the plumbing and the resulting flooding within the planet...............

[Doc Daneeka]

A company of Cambodians sits around a table, discussing their understandable, obsessive worries with the legion of the dead growing bigger every moment. Unknown to them, a figure watches from the shadows, The Jackal grows ever closer with a sniper rifle in his hands. But someone is watching him as well, just before he shoots...

Figure in shadows (whisper): No. I'll kill them, I will make my presence known.

Jackal: Why?

FiS: Because, I will hunt Jin and Aaron to the grave... and beyond.

Jackal: Wow... Don't tell Bunji you're doing that OK? He might disapprove on principle

FiS: Let him know, let him come. There is only one thing that can truly kill me, and when it did I rose back up. They have no chance now that the dead cannot die.

Back inside one of the tunnels, Jin looks at Celeste oddly, thinking she might have the hots for him. Aaron looks suspicious at Jasmine.

Aaron: Wait just a damn second, why are we back on Uranus, we checked and Crigta isn't here! And how did you get away anyway?

Jasmine: More of Brando's help, I was being taken to Europa by the FBI man...

FLASHBACK <wobble/wobble>

Jasmine and Celina are outside their cells, watched by Dehoven, Dosu, and Dale, when suddenly, Jasmine jumps on top of the table!
Jasmine (singing): We're not gonna take it!

Celina, Robot, Decapodian, and beast: NO!

Jasmine: We ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna take it, anymore!

Guitar riff out of nowhere!

Jasmine tears off her clothes revealing messy punk garb and continues the song

Dale: It looks like a rebellion... RUN AWAY!

Dehoven: What is this? Sinners! Kinuta, stop them!

Dosu swings his melody arm forward, generating a sound wave that makes Jasmine puke, Celina hock slime, the robot short circuit, the Decapodian wave his mouthflaps wildy, and the beast thingie to whimper and fall.

Jasmine: I was sure that would work...

Dehoven: Good, we begin the matter of their punishment now...

Cue Darth Brando and a platoon of Cambodians, forcibly docking and entering the ship. Dale screams "Marlon Brando, I knew it!" and runs away again as they approach the cafeteria room and engage the trio. Brando performs a series of impressive martial arts on Dehoven and knocks him to the floor while the Cambodians subdue the sound-ninja.

Brando: You lose, Dehoven. But I choose to spare your wicked life on the grounds that you stand for something, something that I too stand for. However your methods are those of terror and destruction... I warn you that if you ever attempt this evil again I will not hesitate to end your life with the full amount of my power.

Brando's platoon beheads Dosu and breaks the would-be sacrifices out of their cells while Brando takes Jasmine with him.

Jasmine: Who are you?

Brando begins to answer as he boards his ship again, and blasts off. Dale then sticks his head out from the closet

Dale: Paaathetic.

BACK TO REALITY <wobble/wobble>

Jasmine: I stayed when I heard what Brando was doing, I knew I had to help to stop this Crigta

Aaron: So they're free, why do we need to even go through this again?

Jasmine: That is why we are on Uranus now and not Jupiter, once Jupiter's "Crigta Pit" revolves to face us, we fire a nuclear warhead into it. If our plan works, Jupier will oveload and create a temporary black hole that will take Big Boss's base on Europa with it.

Jin: So we just kill Jupiter and be done with it then? In that case why the urgency?

Jasmine: You notice the dead rising? That is a result of Crigta's rage at not being resurrected, if it continues it will spread to the flora and fauna of Jupiter, into the "jelly juggernauts". And that is not good at all, we only have one warhead and if we are too late then we will have to use it on the combined jelly monster. And chances are good that we will be too late if we can't get through the dead and whatever remains of Big Boss's minions. Not to mention the floods...

Jin: What if we are too late?

Jasmine: Then... THE DEAD WILL CONQUER EARTH! (dum-dum-dummmm!)

Poogie: (Gasp!)

Inside Brando's ship, Nguyen/Baytes is being kept prisoner, while Brando muses

Brando: Crigta grows restless, the dead are beginning to rise all over, Uranus, Venus... EARTH! The weapon is no longer on Mars, so we have no way of beating him should they find some alternate way of awakening him. And if he awakens then...

Nguyen/Baytes: Then he will take over the world instead of you? Heaven help us.

Brando: Yes... A shame you will never understand why I must control Earth, you are truly the naive one.

Brando's Navigator: We will reach Europa soon, are you quite ready?

Brando nods his head. But meanwhile back in Brando's Uranus base, the Cambodian soldiers are all dead... of roundhouse-kick related injuries

[clockworkcanary]

Jin, Celeste, Aaron, and Jasmine find themselves lost in the deep dank bowels of Uranus; they find themselves stuck in a small hub of a room, with corridors extending in all directions.

Celeste: "I sense movement from the west"

Aaron takes a look, noticing a few shambling beings with glowing blue eyes.  The rest rush over and they can see a few undead walking into the light, moving rather slowly.

Jin, "Oh my god dudes!  They're disco zombies!"

And Jin was right ...a few more zombies lurk into the light, displaying their disco attire...one zombie has an overload of gold chains and an open; another walking corpse has a huge afro, bell bottoms, and huge platform shoes; and one of the others has Sideburns From Hell(TM) and an outfit that burns Aaron's eyes upon first sight!

Aaron, shielding his eyes, "ahaahaahaaargh my eyes!"

Suddenly, the disco zombies totally surround our heroes.

Jasmine, "well...there's only one thing left to do..."

[Scott]

Jasmine aims the new weapon she picked up from Mars at Lord Brando's request.

Jin: "Now, I was meaning to ask you about that. What kind of weapon is that?"

Jasmine smiling

Jasmine: "These Zombies just want to eat our brains and disco. Naturally you wouldn't have to worry about that Jin, but I'll tell you this.........they are not eating my brains !

Aaron: "Jin, that's a soul-cracker. It will destroy the soul."

Jin: "Aren't Zombies just awakened by neurological stimuli? The non-living?"

Aaron: "No, sub-consously we all want to eat brains. Nobody ever dies. That is unless your soul has been cracked."

With the disco-zombies almost on top of them Jasime fires away. dropping each in their tracks.

Poogie: "Nice shooting Tex."

Jasmine: "I call it the Blue X."

With the disco-zombies dead they set out for Crigta and the Boss. Meanwhile Lord Brando is grieving the loss of the Cambodian Guard knowing they will rise again in due time, but on who's side?...................

[clockworkcanary]

...elsewhere in Uranus....

Lackies surround the Evil Table(TM)...Big Boss's big hand comes into camera view, slamming his fist into a computer terminal!

Big Boss: "damn those disco zombies..."

Flathead Lacky complains, "man...we got ripped on those..." before cutting himself off, knowing full well to never pass judgement on the big boss.

Ol' 3 Arm looks at Flathead and shakes his head as Big Boss hits a big red button, opening a pit below Flathead, dropping him into the pits of Uranus.

Big Boss: "No one questions me!"

Ol' 3 Arm: "I have an idea that might help...if I may ask the boss for permission to summon 'The Mighty Fist' if it so pleases the lord"

Big Boss: "3 Arm, I don't know which is the bigger mystery - how you keep coming back to life after I off ya or why you keep coming back!"

Ol' 3 Arm, "if it pleases the lord..."

Big Boss: "yeah yeah...Critga commands it; I have seen the visions!  Let it be done!"

The lacky table watches the monitor while Ol' 3 Arm activates his pan-dimensional transportation device from the umbral world.  On the monitor, we can clearly see our heroes diving through some kind of mess hall, searching for something to eat.

Lackie Wimp-lo drops some amps, and starts bounces up and down making stupid faces, "du-hooo ...they sittin ducks now bosss huh boss huh boss huh?!"

Back to the kitchen...our heroes are diving through the mess hall kitchen quarters, snatching up foods of all kinds, including peanut butter celery sticks, frosted flakes, and pineapples, tons of pineapples.

Suddenly, a huge blue arm appears in mid air right in front of Jin!

Jin, "like...whoa man dude wow!"

and it punches Jin square in the jaw with a sloppy haymaker...but Jin was too slow.  The arm turns and slaps Aaron in the face before he knows what's going on.  Celeste jumps over and grabs the hand and tries to shake it...but it's no use; the blue arm gives Celeste an Irish Whip over where its shoulder would be if it had one.

Aaron gets p**sed, "aa'ight this mo <bleep> <bleep> is <bleep> going <bleep> down mutha <bleep>" and he jumps up, grabs it, and puts it in an arm bar.  Finally it submits, but it's a total fake-out.  Once free, it snaps its fingers and every hears scurrying all of the sudden.

Jasmine: "Oh no...that better not be rats!  I <bleep> hate rats!"

The scurrying gets louder and louder before the cupboards, drawers, and even the oven doors burst open with an army of hands.  Jin screams like a little girl in horror; Aaron is stunned in silence; Poogie is looking for her post; the blue arm flexes once before flipping them off; Celeste doesn't give a <bleep> because she's a machine; and Jasmine is laughing her ass off at the whole affair.

Before anyone can react, several hands lunge at Jin of course, because he's the annoying main character.  Three hands b***hslap him over a table, crashing dishes and silverware all over the floor.  Aaron gets in a battle of hand to hand strength with two of the hands but too many more gang up on him, slowly dragging him down on the floor. 

Celest is completely covered from head to toe in hands but she just stands there not caring at all.  Poogie asks for a hand located that post but none of the hands seem to address her concerns.   We see close-up shots of Aaron wrestling with one hand or another with quick clip cuts of Jin getting smacked in the face.  Jasmine stumbles in front of the camera for a moment, showing that she's getting choked out.  Suddenly, Master Baytes stumbles into the room, getting decked over and over by two very fast-punching fists!

Jin, piecing together phrases between each pummel, "look...arggg....it's ahhhhhh...Master Baytes with...aggggh... the fists of fury!"

But it appears Master Baytes lays the smack down on the flying fists ...he has tamed them...they are now under his control, flying around creating a sort of force field.

Master Baytes with Fists of Fury: "I'm back Jin ...I'm back for more!" as Michael Jackson's "Beat it" plays in the background!

Poogie, searching through the blue arm's luggage, finds something else entirely other than the lost post; she discovers a big black robe...on this big black robe is a big red hand...

[Scott]

Master Baytes approaches Poogie.

Master Baytes: "Excuse me, but that belongs to me."

Picking up the red hand Master Baytes beats it (dematerializes).

Jin: Where did Master Baytes go?

Jasmine: "Lord Brando sent him to help."

Jin: "What?"

Jasmine: "Because we needed a hand."

Poogie begins talking to herself.

Poogie: "Well, at least I got a black robe from all of this. I think it will fit Dennis. Now if only I could figure out how to eliminate my last post."

Jin and Aaron start laughing and rolling in waste material that has filled the tunnel floors. Strangely Aaron doesn't get messy. Suddenly Lord Brando enters by himself from beyond the matrix.

Lord Brando: "Jasmine do you have the golden spatula?"

Jasmine: "Yes my Lord."

Lord Brando: "Ok children. Lets get going."

Jin: "I'm not going anywhere with you."

Lord Brando: "Listen Jin, let me tell you a little story................................."

The cavern is quite as Lord Brando brings Jin the message of the ages. Will Jin see truth and will they join forces? Will they take on Dehoven, The Clowns From Downtown, The Horde Of The Dead, Crigta, The Boss, and the ever growing Moose population?

[Doc Daneeka]

Brando: I never wanted you to die Jin, the short countdown was a reflection of your strength, not my distrust.

Jin: BOGUS! No one could have found Crigta in under a half an hour, not even Samus!

Aaron: He wasn't even on Uranus!

Volga: Let him finish!

Brando: Yes, it's time I fill in all the many plotholes.

Brando clears his throat

Brando: Crigta is one of the most powerful beings on this plane, when he comes back to life through the power of five innocent/virgin blood sacrifices he will bring an unstoppable army of the dead back with him. As you can see, he is angry about not being resurrected and is trying to awaken the dead as much as he can despite not being fully himself. As you know, I want to stop him, and so does your sensei, but once he defeats him, or stops his rise, he simply wants the world to go back to what it was. I imagine a world full of peace and unity, where-

Nguyen/Baytes: where all knuckle under your communist control!

Brando: Unlike theirs, my system of rule will work

Jin: But enough about that, where do we fit in?

Brando: When Volga saw Dehoven was after you, and hadn't managed to kill you yet she decided you might be some use to the cause. When she found the werepenguin and the stone man, you can imagine her surprise!

Jin: We're really that popular? Huh, I never heard of us.

Brando: You never read the tabloids The mere fact that you had been trained by Jack Baytes, despite not doing exceptionally well, did much to recommend you. Then, I was brought back on Venus by Volga on your suggestion. Without you I would have still been dead. The first time I saw you I could see a young flair in you, all three of you... Volga especially

Volga blushes

Brando: Then there were you two, I needed to see just how right I was in my first impression. So, I sent you two to the core of Uranus, I didn't know whether or not Crigta was in Uranus or if he was still in Jupiter, but if he was, I'm sure you could be the one to stop him before the chain started. Now I'm afraid it already might have... When I thought you died, I knew I needed the spatula if I wanted to destroy Crigta without you. However, I found the weapon gone, and Baytes without the map. So, if I couldn't destroy Crigta yet, I had to at least delay Big Boss's plan. So then, I rescued the sacrifices and brought them back to their planets. The human one wished to stay.

Jin: Woman of action, that's what I like about you!

Celeste sadly lowers her head

Jin: What about you Celeste? You certainly have stayed with us a long time for an advanced computer graphic with A.I.

Celeste: Jin... you are the nicest driver I have ever had the fortune to come across. You are the best person a pleasure program could ever meet

Jin:...

Celeste hugs Jin

Aaron: Who is the crazy woman tagging along, one of Crigta's goons?

Brando: that, Jin, is Poogie, she is here to delete her post... I think

Jin: So how do we beat Crigta?

Brando: With any luck, we still have time to launch the missile, but I'm afraid we only have... 30 minutes!

Jin: s**t!

Nguyen/Baytes: OK, we all have to fight through this hole to meet up with Brando's platoon, it shouldn't be too hard unless-

Out of nowhere, Nguyen is hit by a kick knocking Baytes out of his body!

Jin: What? Feet this time?

Nguyen: <What? Where are my troops?>

Chuck Norris Zombie: (enter from shadows) Sorry. I'm still a bit tired from my resurrection.

Chuck roundhouse kicks Nguyen again killing him, Baytes falls into Celeste, giving the graphic his image, jin and Aaron prepare to fight only to have Edward Fox Jackal appear from the rafters and Zombie Leon appear from the shadows, pointing their guns at Jasmine and Poogie as Norris rears back and punches Brando in the gut, Brando coughs up blood and falls down.

Volga: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brando: I... wish I had more time... I could have done so much... we could have... together... Volga... you made me smile as I never had before...

A tear down Volga's face

Brando: Jack... we have had our differences in the past... but you hate my former brother the Big Boss as much as I do... When you kill him... I want you to think of me...

Norris cockily roundhouse-kicks the air. Brando beckons for Jin who kneels by his side

Brando: Jin... you were my favorite... even if you still follow Master Baytes' command... I am counting on you...

Darth Brando gives the death rattle and predictably dies. Jin finally feeling for the commander lets out a defieant scream and with all his might, rears back and gives Chuck Norris a fatal roundhouse kick to the face! The force of the blow knocks Chuck's head from his beard, fires it backwards at 50 MPH and clunks Jackal in the gut, knocking him from the air vent to the floor. Volga then proceeds to charge forward and verily split zombie Leon in two with her broadsword!

Jin: Awesome...

Jin gives a sad air guitar tune as he views the carnage around him as Jasmine performs a coup de' etat on the zombies. Aaron picks the Jackal from the floor by the collar.

Aaron: All right you French @$$ mutha-#^@$@, you're coming with us!

As Aaron and the others proceed down the tunnel, Jin and Volga stay behind to pay their respects to Brando

Jin: You weren't so bad yourself, you can bet when I give that Big Boss a face fulla fist I'll be thinking of you

Jin leaves behind the rest

Volga: I'll come back for you, you may have died on this godforsaken rock but you will not be buried here.

Volga simply thinks of Brando, touching his still-warm cheek. More tears flow from her eyes before she sadly trails behind Jin into the depths of Uranus

[Scott]

While our Jin, Volga, Jasmine, Celeste, Aaron, and Master Jack Baytes continue through the tunnels planning to use the missile Lord Brando has provided this band of solar soldiers just in case things go wrong. When suddenly Crigta arrives right in front of them with a company of un-armed troops consisting of Louis Dehoven and the Clowns From Downtown.

Crigta: "Where is Marlon?"

Jin: "Who are you?"

Dehoven: "Stand back. He is Lord Crigta and he wants Brando's body."

Aaron: "Not over our....."

Jin: "Speak for yourself."

Dehoven: "What?"

Jin: "He said "not over our........"

Crigta: "Kill them!"

Master Jack Baytes now in Celeste cyborg body leaps into action taking on Dehoven with a high chop to the forehead which is blocked by a rising block. Devhoven grabbing the wrist and accelerating Baytes momentum from the over head strike. He turns away in a circling motion breaking Baytes balance then turning back into Baytes he levels him with a wicked closeline that makes a loud popping noise from the cupping slap between Baytes throat and Dehovens inner elbow joint. Baytes cyborg body doesn't get up.

Jin attempting to help his master.

Jin: "Take my hand and I'll pull you out."

The cyborg body of Celeste which now holds Master Baytes spirit doesn't move. Jin then pulls the body of Celest to the side and Jasmine fires away with the Soul Cracker missing Crigta.

Volga: "Here they come."

Through the narrow tunnels come the Clowns From Downtown and Jasmine fires away taking out about 20 of them who are then followed by the Horde of the Dead while Crigta and Dehoven stand to the side. Jasmine takes only a few of the horde out. When they are to close to fire upon them. They resort to hand to hand combat.

Jin: "Here I come Jasmine !"

Jin delivers a front kick to one of the nasty horde making it's knees buckle. Then a spinning bottom fist to another. Jasmine reverse punches one to the head. Poogie uses her black robe mimicking a bull fighter when with just one past of the cape towards the advancing horde all the horde vanish leaving only Crigta and Dehoven. 

Jasmine: "Wow !"

Jin: "Woa ! "

Poogie: "Aw....it was nothing."

Jin and Jasmine capture the aging duo of Crigta and Dehoven and they return to recover the body of Lord Brando.

Jin: "Crigta and Dehoven help us carry him."

Just as they are approaching Lord Brando he awakens.

Jin: "Lord Brando your alive."

Volga: "My Lord ?."

Lord Brando: "Yea, I was just taking a nap. I really detest all that fighting."

Aaron: "Detest fighting?"

Lord Brando: "Yes Aaron, it's all right here in my book of napping. Wrote it myself........"

Poogie: "Aaron? Aarons dead."

Lord Brando pointing to the spirit of Aaron.

Lord Brando: "No he's not......... He's right there."

Poogie: "I want to go home!"

Lord Brando: "Keep your pajamas on Poogie............Honey do you have the ruby slippers?"

Volga shows the Ruby Slippers.

Lord Brando: "Good.......Jasmine do you have the golden spatula?"

Jasmine shows the Golden Spatula.

Jin: "What are we going to do with Critga and Dehoven?"

Lord Brando: "Well, that's why I've brought you all here today. Get those chains off those Disco Zombies and chain these two to the rocks over there."

Jin: "You got it."

With Crigta and Dehoven chained to the rocky wall of the tunnel the four girls line up behind the two mortal foes.

Lord Brando: "Jasmine, hand Poogie the spatula please."

Jasmine: "Yes Lord."

Jasmine hands Poogie the Golden Spatula.

Lord Brando: "Poogie this is how you delete the post and get back home. Let the spankings commence!"

Poogie: "Spanking them will get me home?"

Lord Brando: "Yes."

Swinging back like a pro golfer Poogie starts on Dehoven.

Dehoven: "Noooo.....oooo..oooo...ooooo....More !"

Crigta: "My turn !"

Lord Brando: "Don't forget Crigta."

The screams of pain and pleasure sends the right kind of electrical current to awaken Master Baytes who wants to be part of the festivities.

Poogie: "I'm getting tired."

Lord Brando: "Girls take over."

Poogie hands the Golden Spatula to Jasmine and Lord Brando motions for her to approach him with Volga by her side.

Lord Brando: Volga give her the Ruby Slippers.

Volga hands Poogie the Ruby Slippers and she puts them on.

Lord Brando: "Now click your heels together and say "there's no place like home"".

Poogie: "There's no place like home."

Poogie repeats this phrase over and over again while clicking her heels. Crigta and Dehoven screaming all the while.

Lord Brando: "Don't forget to spank Dennis when you get home..........You'll have to buy a new spatula for that stove and those cookies"

Poogie awakens at home with Dennis smiling happily with two Poogies beside him...................

[Doc Daneeka]

+I am suddenly reminded of a strange, strange, sad, sick, mix of Dracula 3000 and Ghoulies+

Aaron: THIS... b***h is Crigta?

Baytes: Indeed, if my eyes do not deceive me this is Crigta.

Jin: Hey, this guy is supposed to be one of the most powerful creatures on our plane.

Brando: Right, but he needed 5 virgins to properly summon, however, when I rescued the virgin sacrifices, I knew I was faced with an oppurtunity. So I headed back and tried something that just might work!

FLASHBACK <wobble/wobble>

Brando finds the Crigta Pit on the surface of Jupiter. He is being chased by the Jelly Juggernauts. Thinking quickly he tricks 3 of them to fall in the pit. The others are smarter. So Brando pulls out a porcupine and an omelette

Brando: Forgive me...

And drops them in

Brando: Super!

UNFLASHBACK <wobble/wobble>

Brando: Eventually, I suppose the Big Boss was forced to summon Crigta using those in order to stop him from destroying the world with his rage. In his current state Crigta cannot bring his evil to the world, now he can't even summon the dead

Jin: So the dead shall not conquer Earth?

Brando: Neither will the Jelly, nor the mooses, nor the clowns, nor the vampires, nor Wikipe-Tans

Jin: So now all we need to do is get rid of your b-... former brother

Brando: Yes, if you so choose.

Aaron: Only one damn problem!

Jasmine: What?

Aaron:...I'm out of good dialogue...

Celeste/Baytes: There's a problem!

Our protagonists look to find The Jackal shooting Dehoven and Crigta down!

Jackal: What do we do now? We can't very well re-summon Crigta!

Dehoven: Wait! We don't have Crigta's might, but we still have his influence!

Crigta: Influwhat now?

Dehoven: Dammit! D'Oh! no matter, we can cleanse the Earth in other ways, back to the ship and Europa!

Dehoven Crigta and Jackal run out of Uranus and back to the ship, now equipped with a model of an upside-down queen ant on top.

Jackal: Got-dangit Dale!

Dale: Gih!

The ship leaves Uranus for Europa

Celeste/Baytes: OK, we need a plan!

Jasmine: No time, we'll plan in the ship!

Jin and rest escape in Brando's ship, pursuing Crigta's forces

[Scott]

Lord Brando tells the ships crew about Europa.............

Lord Brando: "Back when I was a boy in Omaha, Nebraska my first grade art teacher had us draw pictures of what the future would look like and this is what Europa is. It's a fantastic world full of the latest technology created by the greatest minds, wonderful monuments that stand in remembrance of great things. "

Jin: "It sounds like a great place."

Lord Brando: "In fact it was Jin. They became so advanced because they never developed the wheel. It's the wheel that has keep the earth in the dark ages."

Jin: "What do you mean it was a great place."

Lord Brando: "Europa was taken over by the Jelly Juggernauts. They live by all kinds of rules that hold back it's former guinness. Still a great place for the likes of Master Jack Baytes and his kind."

Master Batyes threatens Lord Brando with his red hand.

Lord Brando: "You see they gain a sick power by being spanked and such. We mearly experiment on them to analyse and to help understand their sickness. Like we did on Uranus. What we are concerned about on Europa is that they have the real Crigta and that 5 virgins are preparing for a future ritual that will unleash the power of Crigta............Now....we only had four women on Uranus and one of them was a cyborg with a man within. It didn't work because it couldn't have worked according to the sacred text."

Jin: "Oh, I see."

Just then a fleet of Jelly Juggernauts started firing on Lord Brando's ship causing even the porcupines to run ramped throughout the vessel.
 
Lord Brando: "Jasmine, do you still have the Golden Spatula?"

Jasmine: "Yes Lord."

Lord Brando: "Volga, can you give me a kiss before we go in."

Volga kisses Lord Brando on the lips which creates a force field around the ship as they pass safely towards the surface of Europa with the enemies firing thousands of Jelly Clusters that perforate the heavens.

[clockworkcanary]

Our heroes descend into the strange white-blue atmosphere of Europa...once in they see the most awesome horizon of ice castles and frosty volcanos.

Volga, "My Lord, these fumes...they're strange"

Lord Brando, "your sensory serves you well ...this "moon" was once a star ...a small star ...a big small star that collapsed in on itself and later pulled in by the gravity of the gas giants.

Aaron, "I see"

Jin, "whaooo like, is that why I'm starting to wig out?"

Lord Brando speaks loudly as he manuvers the ship to avoid some Jovian Jelly bombs coming from other ships, "yes...it's another test....a test of spirit and mind"

Jasmine, "this reminds me of the 2060s!"

Baytes-Celest, who seems to be malfunctioning just a bit, with one arm slowly twirling and gyrating, "um...these fumes are doing something to my circuits...I might need a new body soon!"

Jasmine, breaking out a wrench, "I can fix ya ...hold steady"

Jin takes a huge wiff of Europan clouds as the ship dog fights with a few Jovian Jelly Jauggernaut fighter ships.  Jin starts to fade out slowly, overwhelmed by the fumes.  Jin starts to have some sort of vision....

<wobble wobble wobble>

Jin finds himself back in high school...it's a cross between a flashback, a dream, and a hallucination.   Jin is surrounded by fellow high school students who all appear to be in their thirties.  He's in study hall when he turns to his left to see none other than...

[Doc Daneeka]

*Trying to write around the last post, since I've been working on this one for about an hour*

A randomly-placed 50-something man wearing a light blue suit, tennishoes and a straw hat who begins a story

Kolchak: You know about Europa right? It's a fantastic world full of the latest technology created by the greatest minds, wonderful monuments that stand in remembrance of great things. They became so advanced because they never developed the wheel. It's the wheel that has keep the earth in the dark ages. However, Europa was taken over by the Jelly Juggernauts. They live by all kinds of rules that hold back it's former guinness.

Jin: What are you doing in my class, dude?

Kolchak: Boy, do you know anything about werepenguins?

Jin: Look, nevermind, go back to your first story if you have to

Kolchak: Well, Europa is now ruled by a man known as Big Boss, and if I hear correctly he makes his base camp on the still-unpopulated part of Europa, the rocky surface, Now, werepenguins...

FLASHBACK <wobble/wobble>

Jin: WHOA!

Others: Huh?

Jin: The rocky surface, we need to get to the rocky surface!

Others: Huh?

Jin: I had... a postmonition

THE ROCKY SURFACE OF EUROPA, Dehoven's ship approaches Europa. Francisco Scaramanga waits on the moon's surface, looking into the void.

Scaramanga: Ahh, the darkness, infinite darkness...

Dehoven and co. land and run screaming to the entrance of Big Boss's bunker, at the door, Dehoven and Jackal take out two silver spheres and put them into two reader slots at either side of the door; a confirmation click, and the foursome move forward into Big Boss's throneroom. Big Boss sits at the top, the table of evil still aound him

Dehoven: Big Boss, someone screwed up the Crigta ritual!

Big Boss:....

Dale sidesteps a bit

Dehoven: You see, instead of 5 innocent virgins, they led Crigta's own jelly soldiers into the sacrificial pit, and then some kind of porcupine, omelette combo.

Big Boss: (looking at the even now weaker looking Crigta) ...so... this b***h is Crigta?

Dehoven: You dare insult-

Suddenly Big Boss raises his hand and Dehoven stops, freezes up as if being crushed. He is lifted above the floor and taken up to the boss's level. Big Boss fires Dehoven back in his seat at the table. Dehoven is glad that this is a reasonably small punishment and breathes a sigh of relief. Big Boss raises his hand again and fires The Jackal straight into Dale's body, they both hit the wall next to the other remaining assassins, they both breathe a sigh of relief. Finally, Boss levitates Crigta in the air and points him towards Jupiter

Dehoven: Big... Boss?

Crigta: Wait! What are you doing, I am a major foreign false-

Big Boss cuts Crigta off, firing him at 150 MPH towards Jupiter

JUPITER

Crigta falls back to th surface, creating a very large crater, the Jelly Juggernauts flock to the explosion

Crigta: I shall have my revenge, and you shall all- what are you doing now?

The Jelly Juggernauts are gathering around their former leader and fall on top of him, abosorbing him

Jelly #1: Wait, that couldn't have been him could it?

Jelly #2: ...s**t.

MEANWHILE, BACK ON EUROPA'S SURFACE. Our heroes tread to Big Boss's bunker, finding Scaramanga waiting for them!

Jin: There's one now! Hey, let's see how you like 6-on-1 you bastard!

Scaramanga: Ahh, I have waited a long time for this, now you die, werepenguin, you see Jupiter?

Jupiter is right behind them

Scaramanga: We are on the moon, when Jupiter sets, your penguin will be awakened again, and I shall plant my golden bullet through your heart and feast on the blood of your compatriots.

Jin: Yeah, right, not if we can whoop you before it goes down!

Scaramanga: I will not fight until we are in our proper forms.

All but Brando bumrush Scaramanga, only to be taken down with a few swings of his arm

Scaramanga: You'll have to do better than that.

Jupiter sets

Jasmine: He's told me all about this, he has no control over himself, we have to help him!

Brando: No, I can tell, he wants this to be his fight

Jin nods, Aaron looks on skeptically

Scaramanga: Now it begins...

Jin slowly, painfully turns into his werepenguin form, Scaramanga sprouts fangs, Jin charges whilst quacking wildly. Jin does not stop even when Scramanga rises his golden gun... He pulls the trigger!

Aaron: Not this time!

Aaron, in his rock body has stopped the shell!

Scaramanga: But... I already killed you!

Aaron: Yeah, and the same thing that happened last time happened right now!

Scaramanga tries to fancy swipe Aaron away, only to break his hand!

Aaron: I was just gonna go anyway, now it's a fair fight!

Scaramanga: I only had one bullet!

Aaron: Still, it just felt right. Have at him!

Jin rockets toward Scaramanga, pecking him. Scaramanga attempts to tear Jin's throat out to no avail, alas, it's harder to bite someone than to peck them

Scaramanga: Miserable thing! You will never kill me!

With this, Scaramanga changes into a bat and flies toward Jin, latching on to his beak with his mouth! Scaramanga looks into the werepenguin's eyes

Scaramanga (muffled): Now you are under my power!

Jin begins to feel weak, just as he is about to fall completely under Fransisco's command, Jasmine pushes him onto his stomach, kicks his butt and sends him sliding down a hill!

Jasmine: Sorry!

Brando glares

Jasmine: Sorry!

The rocky hills or Europa prove easy for the werepenguin, back to his senses to control, Scaramanga however, still attatched to Jin's beak, is getting his leathery wings and belly torn to shreds, before Jupiter comes into view yet again! Just as Jupiter slowly disappears over the next hill, Jin has time to turn back to human and bite down on Scaramanga's head! Scaramanga screams in pain and turns regular vampire again

Scaramanga: No pitiful trick by your girlfriend will change the fact that vampires shall always beat poor, stupid, lycans!

Jin: (Turning penguin) We'll see about that!

Jin turns again, pulling Scaramanga's trick again, biting his nose and thrusting his beak down his throat!

Scaramanga: owowow! dammit!

Jin then rears back again, pecking Scaramanga directly through the 3rd nipple to the heart! Pierced, Scaramanga falls back dead, but Jin still nips away at the man with the golden gun!

Jasmine: Jin, stop! You can't kill him anymore, he's already dead!

PengJin: Jas-mine?

A bit of humanity returns to Jin, who slowly covers Scaramanga with his own white linen cape and continues back up the hill and into the bunker. The find the door and pass the sphere readers, without the confirmation click, the ceiling begins to rumble

Aaron: What the hell now!

Brando: Europa is not only Crigta's lookout, but the home of another God as well...

The ceiling falls, revealing...

Brando: The hand of FATE!

Jasmine: More hands?

Master hand! The giant glove immediately begins it's attack, hitting all parties with a wide range of floating hand attacks. It stops only for a moment, to make a small mouth-thingy, which Brando interprets

Brando: "I am the messiah, only I will control all handkind!" I think he's talking to you, Baytes!

Baytes: Really? Well I don't know if it can hear, but it will feel my fists of fury!

Baytes and the hand battle it out, both are prodigious fisticuffers, but then, Baytes tries a different tactic, and wraps his arms around the thumb!

Baytes: Can you fight now, Brando?

Brando does, and double's Baytes' move, taking a cue, all others but Aaron follow, grabbing the hand's fingers. The rock-man then performs a finishing move, jumping on top and breaking the Master Hand's bones to bits! The opponent defeated, Baytes executes a well-placed blow on the doors, and enters the Big Boss's meeting room

Big Boss: Ahh, this is the famous werepenguin Jin, I had heard you died trying to escape from the moon of Uranus. Same with you, Aaron. What was that saying, you only live once?

Jin: (now only half-werepenguin due to to radiation sheilding in Big-Boss's room) You only Live Twice!

Big Boss: Indeed... but if I am not mistaken you are already dead!

Bunji, Jackal, Wikipe-Tan, Dale, and Dehoven all march into the room, confronting our heroes.

Brando: So, Dehoven, you did not heed my warnings after all, I thought it would have been clear after I let you off with a mere paddling last time.

Dehoven is frightened, but determined

Dehoven: Let's see you fight without your soldiers or your friends Brando, they will all die shortly

the assassins strike a battle pose

Big Boss: Ahh, Darth Marlon Brando, if I am not mistaken you are quite overdue to die. Seeing as I killed you three times already.

Brando: No, I was killed by cancer, an asteroid, and Chuck Norris, I will never fall by your mad ambitions, you see, what you have in intelligence rivals my own, but what you lack... is charisma, isn't that right, Donald-Prime?

Big boss's face emerges out of shadow for the first time! It's none other than Donald Pleasence!

Donald: Will shall see how far charisma takes you, my former brother.

The table of evil get up and form a pentagon around Donald and Brando, lightning shoots from their hands, forming a wall! a laser pentagram of early CGI forms in the middle of them, creating a deadly arena

Brando: (sigh) Another fight scene...

Jin: Brando!

Jin rushes to help, but is stopped by Marlon

Brando: Wait! Don't you see the big deadly force-field wall thing? Besides, you have your own fights to win

Dehoven, Jackal, Kugashira, Wikipe-Tan, and Dale stand to fight Jin, Aaron, Baytes, Volga, and Jasmine, Dale tries to tiptoe away, only to be stopped by Jasmine. A small silence...

[Bill C.]

...the small silence continues through the first ten seconds of a series of jump-cuts--

Kugashira, making a "bring it" gesture with one hand--

Jasmine, cracking her knuckles while tightening her grip on a massive wrench--

Dale, looking a little unnerved--

<background music fades in: Basil Poledouris, Klendathu Drop>

Aaron, bouncing from foot to foot in an improvised action pose--

Dehoven, pulling out a commando knife from a jacket pocket and gritting his teeth--

Baytes crouching into a deliberate attack pose--

Wikipe-tan suddenly holding a massive katana and shifting into a Highlander-esque attack pose--

Jin popping and cracking his neck, his shoulders, and his knuckles--

Jackal calmly leveling a massive rifle at--

Volga, calmly leveling another equally massive rifle at Jackal.

Donald: ...young fools.  Only now, at the end, do you understand.

Jasmine looks around the CGI "arena," then back at Dale and his cohorts.

Jasmine: This ends right here, and right now!

Wikipe-tan: Yes.  Yes, it will end right here...for y--

A figure in an orange spacesuit with a lozenge-shaped helmet staggers into the chamber.

Figure: Oh, my God!  There is life on Euro--

Jackal pivots and instantly fires his rifle twice.  The shots obliterate the helmet and presumably the head of the figure in the spacesuit, and he/she/it is catapulted backwards in a dead sprawl and a rather dramatic smear of blood.

Jackal: Okay.  Bored now.

Jasmine lifts her wrench high above her head.

Jasmine: YAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!

Aaron, Jin, Baytes, and Volga all look at each other in surprise as Jasmine continues to scream incoherently.  Jin shrugs after a few seconds.

Jin: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Aaron, Baytes, and Volga (after a few seconds): ....YAAAAAAHHH!

The five heroes charge across the arena at their foes, with Jasmine and her wrench slightly out in front.

Dale: Oh, shi--

Jackal smiles evilly.

Jackal: YAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Kugashira, Dehoven, and Wikipe-tan: YAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!

Jackal, Kugashira, Dehoven, and Wikipe-tan charge...all the while screaming.  Dale looks around frantically for a way out, then follows them dejectedly...

Dale: Yaaaaagh....I am gonna die...

Increasingly rapid jump cuts between the two groups as they draw closer, still shouting incoherently (except for Dale).  Finally, it cuts to a medium shot of the two groups closing on each other at full speed; just as the two groups close to hand-to-hand distance, the entire scene abruptly jump-cuts to a blue title card:

INTERMISSION

<background music: Paul Buckmaster, Escape To Nowhere (12 Monkeys)>

[clockworkcanary]

PART II: TEENAGE UNDEAD FRISBIE QUAKERS VS THE BLUE HIVE FIVE FROM HORROR HIGH ...in SPACE (one of those titles that has nothing to do with the story)

The second half of the story begins...

We get a repeat of the heroes and villains running for each other, weapons drawn, war faces-a-screamin', and bloodlust-a-pumpin!  They charge into each other with a great explosion!  Suddenly, it's a war between hordes of armies, lead by commanders such as our heroes against the best known criminals in the galaxy: the evil red shirt armies led by The Pleasence, who is now wearing blue face paint, and the good red shirt armies led by Lord Brando, fully decked out in black space armor.

We see so much bloodshed it's almost unwritable.  Volga hammers troop after troop with her devestating hammer; Jin tries his penguin-style kung fu (but blindfolded); Jasmine gives a few of the lackies powerbombs and finishes one with a chokeslam; and Aaron utterly lays the smack down with knockout punches and rapid uppercuts.  Celest Baytes is beating ass of course, with his/her android strength and martial arts wisdom.

We see some quick cuts of the villains getting their shots in as well.  We see a quick cut of The Jackal firing off rounds, dropping red shirts left and right; The Pleasence levitates a few up in the air and lets them drop from great distances; and Scaramanga drinks some blood as Dale runs and hides behind a big orange sofa that just happens to be out in the middle of the battlefield.

Bodies are flying everywhere; it is one total chaos of a blood bath, so much so that the camera gets knocked down and we see a few red-shirted folks from both sides go down in a pile of wretched death.  The brutal deluxe of a war scene continues for awhile to the sound of Enya's "Carribean Blue" with a lot of scenes in slow motion, in order to give the audience the most amount of senseless gore possible.  Speaking of those film tactics, we see a quick cut of Mel Gibson being flogged by some English Jews in the background.

Suddenly the war stops -everyone left alive is covered in blood, sweat, and dirt.  The fog gets extremely thick and the wounded red shirters are moaning the yard.  Most of "named" people on both sides still live, although they are roughed up a bit and flanked by the red-shirted dead bodies of their respective commrads.  Brando and The Pleasence have a stare down.  Volga and Dehovan make eye contact.   The Jackal and Aaron get ready to duke it out.  Jin finally penguins-out(TM) when cornered by Ol' 3 Arm and some friends.

Volga, drawing a new weapon, a long pike with an axe blade at the end, "feels like we're in the eye of a hurricane"

The Pleasence notices, "holy $h!t!"

Dale distracts Jin with a "psst" from behind the big orange sofa and asks him, "so...you believe in Bigfoot?" 

Celest-Baytes shakes off a few ankle-biting midgets: "Why we stop fightin?"

Everyone looks up in the Europaean sky.  Long pause as everyone gasps in horror.

Jin, "Bogus!"

Aaron, pointing up, "That's why!"

Brando: "Well...it's about that time we clear out some of the cast anyway..."

Brando is cut off by the sound of...

[Scott]

While every blood drenched warrior looks skyward the devotees of Crigta are in the midst of the most lavish of orgies which involve the 5 virgins, grotesque beast of all kinds, a gyrating Ashthecat with a goats head masking his appearance, two four legged goats before him, and Menard brandishing a sadistic long black whip. This can only mean that the ritual of the 5 virgins is well under way.

Lord Brando: Look up in the sky

Aaron: It's a bird, it's a plane, .................it's strawberry jello !

Jin: The mother of all jello clusters !

The Jello Bomb hits the metropolis of Europa covering the whole city in crimson. This is the final prophetic moment as the 12 moons of Europa appear blood red. Now...........the virgin sacrifice is about to take place, but wait ! From dark recesses of the city comes one of Lord Brandos trusted spies. His name is Odinn7 and with him are his travelling circus of squirrels................