Yet another review I worked on for a bit. I don't know if it's really that good, but I'll post it anyway.
Gamera vs. Monster X
aka Gamera vs. Jiger
Copyright Daiei 1970
Submitted by Joe the Destroyer
Hiroshi- The protagonist and leader of the trio of annoying kids in this film. He is essentially this film's "Kenny."
Hirohshi's Father- A bungling man donning a Hitler-style mustache. He's an inventor who built a mini-submarine for the upcoming Expo.
Miwako- Hiroshi's sister. She basically fills a void as Hiroshi's mother figure.
Kazuki- Miwako's boyfriend and an archaeologist researching the Devil's Whistle, an ancient statue on Wester Island.
Tommy- The token white kid, as it were. Hiroshi's friend and equal in annoyance.
Susan- Tommy's little sister. She's the most annoying of the three, and tends to pronounce Gamera's name as GAH-MAH-RAH.
Gamera- The fire-breathing, flying ancient turtle who's back to whoop some ass and like children.
Jiger- A huge demon once sealed on Wester Island. Now freed from his prison, he heads toward *gasp* Japan to cause seemingly pointless destruction and annihilation.
-In a world where impossibly large monsters exist and giant turtles can fly, superstition is still regarded as nonsense.
-Giant monster heroes never get tired of cleaning up mankind's mistakes.
-Gamera compensates for his lack of command with human languages with pure violence and terror.
-Volcanic eruptions look like sparklers.
-People tend to loiter around at home and argue monster theory when their city is being attacked by one.
-Skeletons without muscles, ligaments, or tendons can stay together and stand in complex poses.
-Yelling at Gamera will not revive him.
-Children can easily sneak into a guarded area and not be noticed by anyone for several minutes, even if they are in the field of vision of 20 some odd people.
-Larvae can kill elephants.
-Gamera is incapable of drowning.
-Sometimes, shoving telephone poles into your ears is better than having to listen to painfully horrible noises.
-Children are far superior to adults in terms of intellect.
STUFF TO WATCH FOR
Opening credits- Gamera is really neat! He is filled with turtle meat!
<1 minute: Thank GOD they're doing the recap BS now!
4 minutes: Did he really need to denote the year in conversation?
10 minutes: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE ON THE GROUND!
18 minutes: Gamera: Always ready to greet a new face with gratuitous violence!
25 minutes: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE ON A CRUISE SHIP!
30 minutes: Someone has a morbid fascination with destruction...
40 minutes: Weren't both of his legs white a second ago?
47 minutes: Do we really need a narrator all of the sudden?
49 minutes: I really could have done without seeing that... Ever...
53 minutes: No, I don't think we should worry about our children roaming around in the innards of a giant fire-breathing turtle. Not at all!
62 minutes: Killing babies has never been so much fun!
71 minutes: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE ON A BUILDING!
78 minutes: The look says it all: "GASP! Gamera's sooooo twisted!"
Hiroshi: Why don't you simply adjust the door so it doesn't close? No one would go down there.
Worker: Heheh... Not bad! Maybe he'll try it!
Hiroshi's Father: Why don't you try going to work!?!?
Tommy's Mother: What's that thing going to do?
Tommy: Gamera's our friend. He is here to protect us, that's all!
Susan: It's true!
Hiroshi: That's crazy! Gamera doesn't attack people! I'm don't believe you even saw him!
Tommy: Yes we did too, Hiroshi! Gamera tried to kill us! I swear to you I saw it!
Susan: I was there, too!
Hiroshi: It's a lie! Gamera's a friend to all children!
Susan: He isn't our friend anymore! I hate GAH-MAH-RAH!
Hiroshi's Father: Miwako, better let me handle the boy!
Hiroshi's Father: They'll be all right outside, because Gamera's here now!
Tommy: He's pulling him by suction!
Tommy: Gamera! Show us you're not dead!
Miwako: Gamera's dead. Let's go. You want that thing out there to murder you? Let's go.
[pause as they walk away]
Susan: Gamera! You're not dead!
Hiroshi: That killer!
Tommy: He'll be sorry.
Hiroshi: Gamera deserves to have an examination!
Hiroshi: Well, even an adult has a brain, they can have an idea.
Hiroshi: What do you know... I think these creatures might hate transceivers.
Expo 1970 is heating up, and Japan is only too excited to get it off the ground. This year, they plan to show how technology has evolved through time. One of their exhibits includes, which is yet to arrive, is a huge stone structure called The Devil's Whistle. While trying to procure this structure, the workers were mysteriously attacked by none other than Gamera. Despite what seemed to be frantic warnings from an attention starved daikaiju the workers kept on going until the whistle was firmly removed and taken to Japan. Little do the people of Japan know that they have just unleashed a demonic horned beast by the name of Jiger, also known as Monster x, on the world. It turns out the whistle was merely keeping it at bay, and the creature rises up from the ground where the whistle once stood.
Gamera, rising to the occasion, battles Jiger. The creature temporarily debilitates Gamera and heads for -surprise- Japan. From there, Jiger flexes its muscle against those much hated building for which ever kaiju has a vendetta, unleashes its heat ray, and causes possibly thousands of deaths. Despite this, our human heroes just don't see a reason to evacuate with everyone else and, in fact, sit at home and argue about what Jiger and Gamera are going to do.
Gamera eventually returns to rematch Jiger and is subsequently stabbed by its horned tail. From there, Gamera falls into the water and begins to grow paler and paler like he's been eating that Ol' Roy. Things look bleak, and it seems only the children that Gamera so loves that have not yet accused him of sexual abuse can save him.
This flick has almost everything that a good/bad daikaiju flick should have: Poorly written dubbed dialogue, monsters battling to the death, fire, destruction, and Gamera. Unlike the previous additions to the series this one just feels a hell of a lot more fun to watch, even if just for the pure retro feel.
There is one element that will make you or break you: Gamera's groupies. You see, almost every Gamera movie has to have some kid madly in love with him that refers to him as the friend of children. Some people might see this and instantly think, "Oh wow! I remember wanting to be one of those kids when I was a kid." Others will look at it with disdain and go back to their child-free copy of Gamera vs. Barugan.
As always the children are instantly more intelligent than any adult in Japan. They seem to know more about anatomy, physiology, how to run a submarine, archaeology, and can take lucky guesses that tie loose ends of the plot. I do believe that it is from this idea that some of the greatest/worst dialogue ever comes up. As you can tell from the notable quote section above the dub writing made for some great quote insanity. The children, as always, seem to have to call Gamera's name at random points, or remind him that he isn't dead.
The fight sequences are top notch for a Gamera flick. I remember seeing this and looking at some of the new and ridiculous material they had concocted for this one and was at least slightly impressed. I will say that it does not beat Gamera vs. Guiron in terms of ridiculous nature, but Gamera grabbing Jiger by the tail and very obviously throwing around an empty rubber suit is classic.
In terms of 70's kaiju entertainment, Gamera vs. Monster X is great selection. It has far enough unintentional humor and silly special effects to keep you amused, though shown to the wrong person these elements can come off as very painful; the deep hurting kind of painful... If you either want a great bad movie experience or just want the nostalgia factor, Gamera vs. Monster X easily supplies either.