I'm browsing the shelves at Hastings and spot this obscure horror title I've never seen before, directed by Tyler Tharpe, called RETURN IN RED. I read the back of the box - "secret government experiments on the population of a small town cause mayhem" - and decided to give it a whirl.
BIG MISTAKE!!
(What follows might normally be termed "spoilers", but you can't possibly spoil something this rotten to begin with!)
What can you reasonably expect from a horror movie that begins with a quote from Zbignew Brezinski? (For those under 40, he was Jimmy Carter's National Security Advisor.) Apparently certain forms of ultrasonic sound can pretty well scramble the human brain. So a mysterious blue van shows up in this small Midwest town, opens its cargo door, points a radar dish at random dwellings, and lets out its signal. You never see who is in the van or get a word of explanation WHY they are doing this. What you do get is a bunch of pointless dialogue between the most wooden characters I've ever seen, interspersed with footage of this van. A girl and a young kid are kidnapped by men in black, but you aren't told why, and you neither see nor hear them tell what is done to them. Finally, some workers at the local factory go nuts and start killing each other. The "death by forklift" scene is the ONLY bit of real gore in the film, and not only is there no nudity at all, there are no female characters that anyone in his right mind would WANT to see nude. This is perhaps the biggest waste of $3.50 I have ever spent. If, after reading all this, you still have a repressed desire to see this movie, save yourself!!! Take a salad fork and gouge your eyes out!
