Friday the 13th part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan

What the hell were they thinking on this one? Jason 8 is easily the worst of the series...tied very close with 3 in dullness and stupidity. It even takes the reigns for the worst Friday soundtrack ever recorded. Kane Hodder doesn't even look good as Jason and I don't think anyone cares for the orange hockey mask. And wow, did anyone else know that Crystal Lake opens up to the Atlantic Ocean? And I shudder to think of this ending: Jason is defeated by toxic waste?!

This movie is much worse than both the ridiculous sequels both before and after it. At least in the last one they had the mood right if nothing else; with the industrial mix of the classic Friday sound and Jason's hulking appearance we get a sense of dread. In this we get a Warrant/Winger introduction song with a montage of NYC stock footage and shots of toxic waste barrels. Man, NYC must have been extra crappy in the late 80s!

Apparently NYC is full of mullet-heads, has toxic-waste flooding sewers, and looks a lot like Vancouver Canada. But forget all of that because we don't see "NYC" until the last 15 minutes or so. No, no, most of our trip is on a boat with some Winger fans and one annoying "teacher."

Oh...I suppose this movie has a couple subplots. Carpenter's dream chick tries to seduce her teacher, who happens to be the Final Girl's twisted uncle. See, back when she was little, her and her uncle went to Crystal Lake. Said uncle pushes her into the water to force her to learn to swim. Little does she know that Jason-as-a-boy was under the water then, trying to pull her under. This all makes no sense in the time line of the Friday universe, but then, it hasn't really mattered for 7 movies so why start now? Oh and there's a subplot about the boat captain and his son learning the ropes. I think he might be the Final Boy.

After the five-star introduction to NYC we find ourselves on a boat that sits on Crystal Lake. The radio indicates this is a graduation party and that Manhattan isn't far away at all. We have our obligatory couple with the mullet joker who brings a fake-out hockey mask after he explains all the back story about the local legends. Jason kills them quickly after being resurrected by an anchor/electrical cord combo. Jason takes the new hockey mask, which is quite orange but still has that signature axe cut in the forehead area courtesy of the Final Girl in part 3.

Anyway, Jason kills them for having sex in his lake, but then he does something new; he hops on the boat and takes it out of Crystal Lake (I think -it's not too clear) and hops on a bigger boat. But first, we get introduced to some fodder.

A car pulls up - Older lady and Final Girl. Older lady gives her an ink pen and mentions that she has a gift. Flash to a younger clone of Crazy Ralph, the deck hand. Then we meet Uncle Charles, the dick. Renny, that's our Final Girl's name, and she has a dog. Uncle Charles must be the Principal since he's demonstrating that he's a dick.

To the captain quarters: the captain-son subplot starts with ol' capt giving up command to his son, This is all boring and establishes much to do about nothin'. We get a quick shot of some Jason impersonator with an orange mask grabbing onto an anchor. Young Crazy Ralph warns they are all doomed.

Ok it's party time to some Howard Jones or something. Wild and crazy shuffle board, some dancing, and an intro conversation between Final Girl and Final Boy. He gets her a present (man this girl's getting presents all over the place). Awwww, it's a necklace. He mopes about the Statue of Liberty.

Uncle Charles comes over, interrupts, and acts like a dick just before Metal Girl and Video boy start some rock footage on the boat. She wants to go below deck for some better sound or to get killed by Jason...but not before she warns Video Nerd Boy about Slutty Girl. Meanwhile Jason lurks around the boat without sight, sound, or smell.

Ok, Final Girl is afraid of the water ...I think we've established that. Flash back to Metal Girl who's bustin' out some Dokken riffs just before Jason dispatches her. Jason hates Nerf Metal! He kills her with a nice touch ...cracking her with his guitar while Little Crazy Ralph listens up above...he's so dead. And then Jason peeps through some windows, watching Final Girl put on a shirt that looks real similar to the one she just had on.

She looks around the room quizzically as she starts to hear Jason's little boy voice and then finally sees his tortured self trying to get out of the water. Ok, I see she's got psychic powers like the last Final Girl, however hers are a bit different. Renny is no telekinetic - she's more of a Clairvoyant, seeing things as they were in the past. Or she could just be Schizophrenic and having delusions of grandeur.

Ah next we get to see Boxer Dude open a can-o-whoop ass on some punk in a sparring match. This is his only personality trait since he's a black guy in the Friday universe. Flash to the girls watching him -it's Slutty Girl and Pushover Girl. They go off to snort a few lines after a moment and Renny comes by looking for her dog (just like Muffy in part 2). A few minutes later Uncle Charles catches them so they deduce that Renny must have narked. So, of course, Slutty Girl has to be the "New and Improved" b***hy b***h (although Tina from 7 is the b***hiest so far). Glad to see the bloodlust for the audience has continued.

Jason now thinks it's a good time to go to the steam room to cook himself some jock. Of course, no one hears this at all. Jason hates people who loose in boxing matches. Oh flash to Slutty b***h who knocks Final Girl into the water. And of course, Renny is being pulled underwater by Boy-Jason-Delusion/Vision/hallucination/whatever-the-f**k and the audience scratches their respective heads in confusion...or at least those still awake.

Renny gets rescued, Uncle Dicknose shows up, and Little Crazy Ralph says they're all doomed. Um ok. Renny washes her hands at one evil-ass sink and trips out some more. Little Boy Jason grabs her in a choke-slam through the mirror asking for help.

Next, Uncle Charles goes to Slutty Girl's room asking for her project. I thought they already graduated? Anyway, this is all just an excuse for her to show us her pancake ass and carpenter's chest while she tries to seduce her "teacher." At first he's all about it but since she's an anorexic he's pretty turned off. He tells her to eat a stake sandwich but he discovers that Video Nerd has been taping them, so they have their blackmail. Looks like she'll pass. Is this actually referenced later in part 10? Oh no. Anyway, Video Nerd confesses his lust for Slutty Girl but she won't have any of that. Do they really need to mimic terrible scenes from part 7 this much?

Obligatory shower time! It's Slutty Girl. Jason's just outside the door and no one can see, smell, or hear him. Her hair's looking pretty dry after that shower. Jason knows right where to punch through the wall to get her and we get to endure more shots of her pancake ass. She tries to grab a towel (she just watched HHGTTG) but it doesn't protect her. Jason forces her to eat a sandwich, an apple, a f**king sunflower seed...something ...and then he kills her. Ok he didn't really try to feed her anything but damn he really should have.

Ah it's raining now of course. We're back at the helm of the ship. Captain leaves and we see an actual decent kill as far as filmmaking goes: Jason stabs the Captain's assistant through a rain-pounded window without the sound, which is surprisingly effective. Captain discovers the body and dies for it. Final Girl and Final Boy arrive and find all the bodies.

Final Boy calls everyone left to the bridge and calls for help, but you know Jason doesn't allow communication very long. Jason hates communication! The rest meet and Uncle Charles tries to take control but Black Boxer reminds him school is out. They know Jason is on the ship with all the bodies. They split up naturally. Uncle Charles finds Renny hiding in the engine room while Pushover Girl discovers the Slutty Corpse. Jason chases Pushover Girl to the dance floor and they break it down to some hardcore rave - Jason's a mad dancer. Actually he just teleports around the room while she stands there like a tard. Jason decides to go for an old school choke - he hasn't choked someone out like that in a long time.

The remaining guys break out some weapons. Julius, that's the Black Boxer's name, grabs a gun. Of course, they split up again like morons. Video Nerd Guy thinks it's a good idea to hold the bulky late 80s video camera on one shoulder with the gun in his other hand. He looses his glasses and ends up shooting one of the other guys ...all on film too! Jason gets jealous about this and smacks his camera away. Video Nerd looks a little p**sed about this but he runs until he trips over Metal GIrl's guitar.

Jason decides it's time to through Video Nerd into the electrical box/table/thingy and he fries to death. Jason hates VHS! Oh, Video Nerd's body starts on fire and catches the boat on fire. Jason is a nice guy though and hits the Fire Alarm. Jason hates fires! Uncle Charles acts like a dick again up on the Bridge before heading out to die. He's still denying Jason is alive. It's raining again, as it always does at nighttime.

Jason chases more fodder up on deck,. The guy runs from Jason to be flanked by him somehow. The guy rushes up the mast and Jason's all of the sudden right behind him. Jason then throws Black Boxer off the boat. We probably think he's dead but just like a few other black guys in this series, he'll be back to sacrifice himself.

Renny, back in her room hallucinating, doesn't notice the real Jason outside her window. He busts through and grabs her for real this time and she uses that plot device...I mean ink pen she was given earlier and she stabs Jason in the eye. Final Boy shows up and they both freak together. Older Lady tries to regroup but Jason's watching. Charles searches the ship and about gets stabbed by Little Crazy Ralph Clone so we know he's still alive.

Jason chases the rest off the boat as it burns and they escape on a small life boat. They drift into a seedy New York harbor where they immediately get jumped by a couple of mullet thugs. They kidnap Renny with obvious evil designs. They throw her down in a scene yet to be seen in a Friday flick; they inject her with drugs and get ready to rape her when Jason shows up and kills them both. Renny splits.

Meanwhile, the "teacher" deduces it's time to split up. Jason offs each of the remainders. He gets into a boxing match with the token black guy. Token unleashes on Jason but his ripost shot knocks the guy's head clean off.

The rest hook back up and meet a cop. They find the token head inside the cruiser(!?) and Renny drives a car into a wall as she skips the DVD and stares at a plaster mold of 10-year-old Jason. Jason dunks the teacher into a toxic waste barrel, which is an interesting kill I suppose.

Jason chases our Final Couple through the subway, through a diner, on the streets, and finally into the sewers. In the weirdest ending, Jason is defeated by the toxic waste that floods the sewers each night. Funny thing though, the fumes of this toxic substance don't hurt our Final Couple. Jason kinda melts up real weird and cries in the 10-year-old voice calling for mommy. Um...ok.

Other Names This Movie Could Have Used:

Jason Rides a Boat
Jason vs. a Clairvoyant
Jason Graduates from Crystal Lake High
Jason vs. Canada

Good

The bridge kill behind rain-poured windows
That's all folks...

Bad

The hole mood of this movie
We don't even get to NYC until the end
The subplots that go nowhere
The stupid Jason-as-a-boy hallucinations

Ugly

Extreme negative portrayal of NYC
The terrible soundtrack - misplaced, dated, and too Winger-esque
Jason Unmasked
The mugging and attempted rape scene
The toxic waste ending

Things I've Learned from this Movie:

In the late 80s, psychic powers were totally in
Crystal Lake somehow feeds into the Atlantic Ocean
Jason is an excellent boxer
Crystal Lake is in radio distance from Manhattan