Jason Goes to Hell

Ok this one is a step up from part 8 ...just barely. It's saving grace is that they at least tried something different. Too bad that "different" kinda sucked. Why the powers that be decided to rewrite Jason as a body-jumping sperm demon is anybody's guess. At this point we've seen Jason evolve from drowned Mongoloid to feral hillbilly beast to zombie to sperm demon (and later a cyborg). Jason reminds me of the Masters of the Universe character, Man-E-Faces...or in this case, Many-Feces.

New Line Cinema acquired the rights to the Jason character but that didn't stop them from picking up the reigns of laziness from Paramount. I mean, c'mon, they copied elements of John Carpenter's The Thing and the worst elements from the Halloween series (referring to the family-ties bull that ruined the legacy of Michael Myers). I mean, did you know that Jason has a sister living right near Crystal Lake? Did you know there was a Voorhees house?

I guess part 9 has one of the better intros of a Friday flicks. We get the girl in the shower in the first few moments before Jason has her on the run. He chases her into an open field where several dozen FBI agents gun him down. The audience is surprised this hasn't happened much earlier in the series. Ah but there's some foreshadowing...Jason's heart still beats sans body while a Red State Black Guy looks on, remarking "I don't think so." And out busts the non-exploding credits to an obviously inexpensive musical score that doesn't sound very Friday-like at all.

Next we go to the Morgue, all the way in Youngstown Ohio, which is interesting since I always thought Crystal Lake was somewhere in New England. During the autopsy, the mortician decides that Jason's heart would make a nice snack and he becomes Jason-Possessed er something. Time to head back to Crystal Lake.

The next scene is probably my favorite if there could be one - the mortician possessed by Jason walks by the security guards who are talking about how they "f**ked" Jason up, which makes Jason turn and notice them. I find this pretty funny because the guard standing is none other than Kane Hodder who's played Jason from parts 7, 8, 9, and 10. Kane comments how Jason is a "p#**y before the film changes to news footage of these two guards recently decimated.

We also get some news footage of a crazy bounty hunter, the Red State Black Guy we met earlier. This guy supposedly brought in quite a few serial killers. Hereafter I will refer to him as Black Bounty Hunter (BBH) ...and he's an actual good characterization, which is ironic for a black character in a Friday flick, so the movie gets points for that. This guy has some interesting character traits as you will see later in the show.

Meanwhile, Jason body-jumps and murders all the way back home, with the news folks following him. We flash back to the Crystal Lake diner and the gorpy folks who run it. I mean, this lady is scarier looking than Jason's melted milk dud complexion. Anyway, it sure doesn't look like the diner from Crystal Lake in part 1 nor does it look like any of the Crystal Lake towns we've seen prior. There is not a single familiar face, which is really odd considering we've been in this area off and on since the late 1950s. Here's where we get to meet more of the inept rotating law enforcement folks of the small town as well. The Crystal Lake Police Department sure has one hell of a turnover rate.

We meet Diana, a waitress who's suddenly a sister of Jason Voorhees. Funny that we're just now discovering this information. She talks with some nerdy glasses guy (hereafter Glasses Guy) and they agree to meet later. Well, the bounty hunter shows up to warn Diana about Jason coming back but she's skeptical. Her boyfriend, the Sheriff, gets p**sed and they arrest him for being black, but not before BBH verbally hands the sheriff his ass. And just like Tommy in part 6, he gets hauled off to jail.

We meet Diana's daughter, who has a baby (Glasses Guy's) but is dating the host of Faux News (Faux Guy), who will be coming along to the small town soon. Meanwhile, Glasses Guy gives some fodder a ride to Crystal Lake but declines to join -good thing too. These fodder actually have what appears to be real sex (as opposed to implied sex in part 2). Of course, they die horribly for it, but not before making some social commentary on safe sex vs. unsafe sex.

Anyway Glasses Guy shows up at Diane's about the same time as the Jason-possessed deputy, which is, of course, a few minutes before the Sheriff was coming over. Naturally, Glasses Guy gets accused of murdering Diana and gets hauled off to the jail cell next to BBH. BBH gives Glasses Guy some exposition about the Voorhees Curse, House, Weapon, etc., (all the other retrofitted bulls**t the writers suddenly pulled out of their ass). But there is a price for all of this information as Glasses Guy finds out when BBH charges him by breaking his fingers, one at a time.

Glasses Guy learns that his ex-girlfriend and their baby are a descendents of a Voorhees and that Jason can be reborn through a Voorhees and can only be destroyed by a Voorhees who happens to have this new plot device...I mean, this new magical dagger! How the hell did all this come about and doubly so, how the hell did this guy learn about all of it in the first place?

Well we get some body jumping shenanigans, more murders, and some chase scenes. Glasses Guy breaks outta jail and tries to find his ex to let her know what happens. They scuffle with Jason body doubles here and there: the diner, the cop shop, on the road, and back to the Voorhees house?! We learn that Mr. Faux is all about exploiting the situation for ratings but Jason gets him, possessing him with a huge black...um...demon. You know, Freud would have a blast with this one folks.

More bulls**t happens until Jason is somehow reborn into another Voorhees body at the Voorhees House in the Voorhees basement (?!) but Ex Girlfriend and Baby are still safe. Jason is really ready to rip some ass too, yet his resurrected body looks identical to his form just before he got shot-up (even his clothes). Nothing like resurrecting a crappy ripped up set of stained trousers. Anyway, Jason throws some playground equipment on Glasses Guy. BBH breaks out of jail. Glasses Guy puts up a fight (?!) against Jason somehow, in time for BBH to arrive and get killed. He still lasted longer than Bear Hunter from part 4 I guess.

And finally, Ex Girlfriend stabs Jason in the heart with the magical dagger and silly lights start flying around Jason and some rubber hands come out of the ground and try to pull him under. At least they're taking Glasses Guy too...ah damn, never mind; Ex Girlfriend saves him as Jason sinks down into Hell. See, I knew Hell was underground after all! After a few moments the sand blows away revealing the hockey mask just before Freddy's Glove comes from underground and grabs it.

Funny they didn't follow up with that battle for about 13 years and not before Jason goes to space!

Other Possible Names:
Jason is a Sperm Demon
Jason's Dad Got Around
The Thing meets Halloween 4, 5, and 6
Hockey Mask Burgers and Jason Fingers
Jason vs. the Lunch Lady

Good

Not much
Kane Hodder's appearance in the first act...did I just say "act?" That word has no meaning here.
An actual characterization for a minority character for once
The Jason-gun-down introduction
At least they tried something different for the overall plot
The heart-eating scene was tastey

Bad

The change they decided on for the overall plot kinda sucked
Rewriting the back story and retrofitting silly plot devices
The Crystal Lake setting again looks nothing like any previous Crystal Lakes
The misleading title ...Jason doesn't go to hell until the end and it wasn't the final in the series

Fugly

The Lunch Lady
The rubber hands of HELL!
The dialogue
Finger-breaking for information

Things I've Learned From this Movie:

Crystal Lake Police Department has a horrendous turnover rate.
Jason knows how to shave
Jason's invulnerability all this time was because he was possessed by a demon spirit.