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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Information Exchange  |  Movie Reviews  |  BLOODLINES « previous next »
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Author Topic: BLOODLINES  (Read 1421 times)
indianasmith
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A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« on: August 06, 2007, 08:19:30 AM »

OK, my first attempt at a real BadMovies.org review . . . .

I have always loved the whole Cannibal Hillbilly Mutant genre, because it can produce some of the most wonderfully bad films imaginable.  THE HILLS HAVE EYES, WRONG TURN, MONSTER MAN, and all those others are films that I have really enjoyed.  But BLOODLINES is an absolute scream, a gem of unspeakable badness that should be enshrined as a monument to what a truly bad movie is supposed to look like!

The movie begins with a very pregnant girl being dragged to a blood-soaked room to be given a rather unsanitary Cesarean, but she snatches the knife and kills herself and her baby with a single stab to the stomach.  Then, the words "25 YEARS LATER" scroll across the screen, and the movie begins.  First you have the cute brunette girl going off to college, she stops at a gas station run by a creepy old looking psycho guy (in B movie-land, all rural gas stations seem to be run by refugees from mental institutions).  She calls her brother, who keeps referring to her as "Babygirl".  Then her car breaks down and she hears something in the woods as she is checking the engine . . . something comes up behind her and CUT . . .

to a scene of the CHM clan leader (who himself is NOT a mutant)  shagging a blonde who you quickly find out is his SISTER, (ew).  They are interrupted by a true CHM in one of the most fake mutant hillbilly masks I have ever seen in any movie.  I mean, this mask makes the Brain Damage Films costumes look high-budget, and the huge, obviously fake grey wig doesn't help it any.  He informs Bubba that they have brought in another girl, and then we cut back to the heroine, who is dumped in a wood-panelled room with two other girls.  One is a homely psycho redneck girl who constantly abuses the other two, the other is a kidnapped prom queen type in a bright pink jogging suit (later, when they are trying to escape, she keeps attempting to hide in the woods and you want to scream "You're wearing bright pink, girl, go roll in some mud or something!").

   Turns out that Bubba has his kidnapped girls (of whom there are eight) fight to the death, and he takes the winners and rapes them to carry on his family's BLOODLINE (hence the title!).  But the hot little brunette captured at the beginning turns out to be a real wilderness girl with rad survival skills, and her two brothers figure out she's missing and load up their hunting bows to come and rescue her.  The girl fight sequences are funny, because there are about 20 or 30 members of the CHM clan standing around cheering them on the whole time, and the punches and moves are VERY fake looking.  Girls die, Bubba gets some action, brothers to the rescue, mutants getting pierced with arrows left and right, pink jogging suit girl screams a lot, general mayhem ensues.

WHAT I LIKED:

The sheer goofiness of this movie is incredible.
Brunette "Babygirl" Strickland can actually fight pretty well.
Mutant costumes are wondefully cheesy and fake.
Dialogue is REALLY lame or overacted.
The girlfights are (mostly) fake enough to be inoffensive and entertaining.

WHAT I DIDN'T LIKE:

Not enough mutants!  Only two of the CHM clan are actually hideously deformed monsters, the rest look like the residents of any small town Southern trailer park . . . . obviously from the shallow end of the gene pool, but not deformed.
Stupid escape attempts - when the girls get out of the cellar, they see four sleeping CHM's in the front yard, so instead of going around back, they simply crawl through them.
The whole "Babygirl" thing - the way these two brothers act, you wonder just how close they are to their sister.

WHAT I LEARNED:

CHM's need love too (I think every movie in this genre teaches us that).
A shallow stab wound to the stomach will instantly kill pregnant kidnap victims and bad guys, while good guys can get impaled with large spears and still limp back to the truck.
Bad sisters get thrown in with the captive girls.
Good sisters get to watch Bubba do his thing.
Fresh blood in the gene pool will cause CHM's to become mere CH's.
Just because someone is called "Babygirl" doesn't mean she can't use karate.
Girls will fight to the death for the right to be ravished by Bubba.


FAVORITE QUOTES:

"Mating season's OVER!"
"The Strength is in the Stricklands!"

Not a ton of T&A in this one (sorry guys), but the overall silliness and over-the-top acting by Babygirl and her brothers makes this one a bad movie worth watching.
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"Carpe diem!" - Seize the day!  "Carpe per diem!" - Seize the daily living allowance! "Carpe carp!" - Seize the fish!
"Carpe Ngo Diem!" - Seize the South Vietnamese Dictator!
IzzyDedjet
Guest
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2008, 05:55:12 PM »

Nicely done.  You went a bit more in depth than I would have...and did, so if you dont mind, I'll post my attention deficit version for the impaired.

   The back of the DVD reads as such:

   College bound, Amber Strickland finds herself stranded after her Jeep breaks down on a desolate highway in the Sounthern backwoods.
   Brutally abducted, she awakens alongside other women, imprisoned by a demented family.  Her nightmare quickly worsens when she is forced to face the other victims in a fight to the death.
   What she doesn't know is that the survivors have the grimmest fate of all...To carry on the family BLOODLINE!!!

That's about where the film crossed the line from potentially good movie to "Oh man, what was I thinking when I bought this?"
   For starters, the gas station attendant at 4:21 in this film looks more legitimately inbred than the two "brothers" who are supposed to be.  But...I'll get back to them in a minute.
   At 9:44...the very next scene after we see Amber get abducted, via "monster vision" (thats another thread on this board), we run into our first love scene.
  this is a bit of a mystery to me as the female still has panties on and the male is wearing long underwear.  Anyway, the most memorable dialog in the whole movie comes in this scene.
   Shortly after the after-glow is interrupted by one of the "inbred brothers" the female whispers that she wants a baby, to which the male reacts with utter disgust and replies:  "Goddammit that's sick.  Yer my f**kin sister!"
   I suppose now's a good time to introduce you all to the brothers.
   take two struggling actors, give them clothing that a bum on the streets would reject, tell them to waddle around like a chimp with jock itchand limit their dialog to "AAAARRRGGH!".  Then tell them that they have to do this while wearing poorly fitting "old man" halloween masks.  These are Royce and Squirm.  They're sorta the muscle in this flick.
   In all honesty, "Bloodlines" has awesome, untapped potential for mass amounts of gratuitios nudity, but alas, the directors didnt see fit to tap int the jiggle factor.
   The female lead, Grace Johnston is an attractive brunette with a very nicely toned body, and, given a chance, could become a hing "B" or maybe even an "A" lister.  With this abomination to her (dis)credit...I just dunno.
   Oh.  For the record, girl fights are often bad enough, but a girl fight in a bad movie is probably one of the worst things ever.
   Simply put, there;'s more Limburger on this disk than is healthy for anyman or beast to have to bear.
   A friend recommended that I sail this movie into the back 40 and forget about it, but personally, I like having it around.  I leave it in the middle of my floor to catch all the dust and dog hair.  This movie sucks so bad that I have the cleanest carpets in the county.  THANKS BLOODLINES!!!


Lesson:  When running through the woods trying to hide from CHM's, a hot pink velour track suit is awesome camouflage.
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indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 1427
Posts: 8406


A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2013, 05:55:09 PM »

This is the movie someone was looking for, I think!
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"Carpe diem!" - Seize the day!  "Carpe per diem!" - Seize the daily living allowance! "Carpe carp!" - Seize the fish!
"Carpe Ngo Diem!" - Seize the South Vietnamese Dictator!
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