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Latest Member: paulbb69 Forum  |  Information Exchange  |  Movie Reviews  |  Submitted Reader Reviews  |  PUBLISHED: Tank « previous next »
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Author Topic: PUBLISHED: Tank  (Read 4600 times)
Bad Movie Lover

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« on: December 02, 2007, 11:39:45 AM »

Quote from: Andrew

Tank-5 Slimes
Rated PG
Copyright 1984 A Lorimax / Universal Pictures joint production.
Reviewed by Micheal Colander on November, 30th, 2007

The Characters:

Sargeant-Major Zack Carrey: James Garner! Sterotypical butt kicking military dad with a heart of gold--and his own personal Sherman Tank. Gets ticked off and decides to break his son out of  jail.

La Donna:Shirley Jones! She's Zack's wife and a handfull at that. She has a Violent temper.

Billy:C. Thomas Howell! Zack's sixteen year old geeky son who gets framed for drug-dealing.

Sarah: The Prostitute--not much else to say about her. She gets beaten for-uh-thinking the Lone Ranger is real......

Ed: Zack's best friend in the military and a black guy who keeps getting called "boy" by the evil Sheriff.

Sheriff Cyrus Beulton: Complete butt-wad--and a dense one at that! He spends his time misunderstanding the "Posse Commitatus" law as being a slam against him and thinking people are actually calling him a "p***y Communist"

Deputy Eucled Baker: James Cromwell! He beats up the prostitute because he blames Zack Carrey for ruining his pool game by singing.(his reasoning is VERY hard to follow-so don’t ask me why)


 Sargeant Major Zack Carrey decides to move his son and wife to a new military base where he hopes to finish out his career with grace and honor. He becomes a bit of a celebrity right off the bat, because he’s the only guy in the military who owns a working Sherman Tank of his very own. This of course is partially what gets him in trouble.

One night he goes out into the town a couple blocks away from the Base, and decides to eat dinner at a seedy looking café. There he meets Sarah—a prostitute. While he doesn’t want to have sex with her due to his being married, he finds no problem with just talking to her. He then decides to sing an old “seaman’s song”.

What he doesn’t know is that only a few feet away is Deputy Baker who is playing pool—and not very well I might add. He screws up and loses the game and screams at Zack Carrey for distracting him from the game with his singing. Zack apoligizes and offers the Deputy a beer or money or both to make up for ruining the pool game. Deputy Baker refuses these “gifts” and instead slugs the prostitute as his revenge on Zack—and then he dares the Sargeant Major into a fight.

Instead, Zack says he will just leave and never come back—just to keep the peace. This doesn’t work either. The Deputy screams at him and then starts to beat the blazes outta the prostutute. This in turn finally ticks Zack Carrey off enough that he knocks the deputy out cold and drops his gun in the nearest fishtank—and then leaves.   

The next morning  the Sheriff finds out the whole story and decides to get revenge by going over to Sarah’s home, asking her if she believes in Wonder Woman and the Lone Ranger, and then beating her with his strap. He supposedly does this to show the whole town that it’s not wise to test him---but then he keeps his abuse of  Sarah a secret. The Sheriff also makes it obvious that he hates military men of all kinds. After that he then frames Billy on a drug charge and jails him.

He then blackmails Sargeant-Major Zack Carrey  for ten thousand dollars if Carrey wants his son out of jail with no trial.

Carrey brings the ten thousand dollars to the department and gives Sheriff Beulton his ransom demand so that he can get his son back right away-----the Sheriff then changes the deal and reveals that a quckie false trial has already been held and Billy has been found guilty and has been sent to a work farm that is filled with child molesters---and that in order to keep the boy safe, that Zack Carrey will now have to pay the Sheriff 10 thousand each year. (You would think a place like this would be investigated)

Carrey gets angry, gets in his Sherman Tank, and goes into town. Finding out that the Sheriff is away on buissness he forces the Deputy to release all the remaining prisoners and then strip naked while Sarah joins in on the “fun” by handcuffing the Deputy to a pole—As this goes on we get a camera shot reminicent of the “praying in the nude” scene from the old Punisher movie---and this is NOT a pretty sight. If anything it’s a rather disturbing sight.---oh yes, I nearly forgot—on his way off base the MP’s try to block the exit with two jeeps and then stand around “heroically” and order him to stop.

Now let me ask you-if you had a tank would you stop simply because a bunch of MP’s ordered you to do so?


In fact you would run right over their jeeps and keep on going.

Weirdly enough soldier-boy doesn’t  stop for the MP’s or crush their jeeps and keep on trucking—instead he turns and runs over the cyclone fence---in a slightly hilarious moment you can see the tank tread marks in the grass from previous takes.

As if that wasn’t dumb enough, the cops show they are even stupider than we thought last time by---and I am not kidding here---trying to stop the tank by shooting it with their rifles and pistols.

Yeah—that’ll stop him.

The prostitute and the soldier then use the tank to break Billy out of jail ,run over the police department, and blow up a car.

The trio then head for the State border where they hope to get a fair trial.

The good news is that the entire world sides with them.

The bad news is that the evil sheriff---who likes to say “p***y communist”—is after him with his evil police department and some evil drunk rednecks.

The best part of the film is at the end, when the tank gets stuck in a large mud pit and the Sheriff and his thugs do a tug-of-war with the people who have sided with Billy, his dad, and Sarah the prostitute.

Yes, you read that right—a tug-of-war.

One side attempts to tug the tank out of the mud while the villians are tugging to keep it in the mud.
The sad thing is , that they didn’t even need to GO into the mud pit.

Our heros arrive at the mud pit and try to figure out their next move—while this is going on we get a wide shot of the mud pit---and a large area that would be perfect to drive through and keep going—and thus avoid the mud pit—is clearly visible.

This is one hilarious goofy movie and it has some great stuff in it that you won’t want to miss.

Things I’ve Learned From This Movie:

In the 1980’s “Jesus” was the equivilent of the F-word.

The best way to show your kid that Wonder Woman and The Lone Ranger don’t exist is to strip them naked and then beat them with a leather strap.

s**t rolls downhill.

Cops in the south believe that one can easily take a tank out simply by shooting at it with rifles and pistols.

The Posse Commitatus Law---when translated into Southern English---is actually a namecalling gesture for calling someone a “p***y Communist”

Stuff To Watch For:

4 mins: “Why would someone want to own a tank?” What kind of stupid question is that?

8 mins: Ragbag?

12 mins:If that’s her idea of wild insane sex, I’ll pass.

30 mins: Ouch!

106 mins: Someone likes that “praying in the nude” scene from Punisher too much.

109 mins: Yeah—that’ll stop him.

121 mins: Oh goody, bluegrass music.

130 mins: Are we watching the right movie?

139 mins: Go!, Go!, Go!

End Credits: These are the lamest end credits I have seen yet.

NOTE: this is my first submission--if I screwed up anywhere let me know.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2008, 05:59:35 PM by Andrew » Logged
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I know where my towel is.

« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2007, 12:40:54 PM »

No, it looks good.  You definitely found a lot more enjoyment in the movie than I did.  However, it must be almost twenty years since I saw "Tank."  When I did watch it, I was a teenager, so I might have found a lot less to enjoy at certain points.

Andrew Borntreger
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