Just Astoundingly Bad

[Oldskool138]

Full Frontal (2002)...Do not see this movie!!!!  (It's not a XXX movie, although, if it were it would be a heck of a lot more entertaining).  It's got Julia Roberts, David Hyde Pierce, David Duchovny, Blair Underwood, Terrance Stamp and is directed by Steven Soderbergh but don't be fooled.

This movie only exists to play Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon.  You've been warned!

[LilCerberus]

At first, I was going to simplify it with "Anything by the Polonia Brothers" or "Anything starring Madonna", but then I remembered how I promised myself that I was going to stop obsessing over the ineptitude of the Polonia Brothers & Madonna, so I figured I'd point out a few that I haven't mentioned in a while.

However, after looking over one of my lists, I realized that I've seen so many whacked-out stinkers in my life, that I've lost track.
It's no wonder I'm crazy.

So I guess I'll just narrow it down to what I've seen in the past month (at least, for the first time).
EEGAH!
Super Agente Cobra (in Spanish, no subtitles)
Vampyr (1932)
The Horrors of Spider Island
The first two installments of the Inju Gakuen - Live Action trilogy (in Japanese, no subtitles)
      - I tried to watch the third installment last night, but I caught a cold, meaning I had enough nausea & headaches already.

[HappyGilmore]

Baby Geniuses- Kathleen Turner stars in a movie with genius level babies, who walk around pooping, but only talk to each other.

Baby Geniuses 2- Why make this at all?

3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain- the fourth of the '3 Ninjas' movies, starring none of the original cast, except for Victor Wong as the grandfather.  Co stars include Jim Varney, Loni Anderson and Hulk Hogan.  Released 9 years ago, it's grossed under $500,000 so far.

[lester1/2jr]

RC Merchant-  here is my review of moster a go go / psyched by the 4-d witch  from netflix

Monster a-Go-Go! /Psyched by the 4-D Witch



Only if you are an absolute glutton for punishment could I recomend these films. Monster a go go is bad. Ed Wood / Capture that Capsule bad. What can you say about a movie that is still boring to fast forward through even at 2 v or whatever? The monster is kind of cool looking, but is really a tall man with bad skin more than anything else. and he is in it for like a minute. But it gets worse. psyched by the 4 d witch is the type of thing the Manson family or the biker gang that stabbed people at Altamont must have watched for entertainment. boring and repetitive pyschedelic camera tricks and fuzzy lense art shots obscure a bottom of the barrel exploitation film that is so perverted you will want to wash your hands. If the types of sexual adventures you find in the most tawdry of soap operas or, say Caligula are your bag , have at it. i wanted to go to confession and Im not even catholic. There is also a bonus black and white exploitation short that was pretty good.

[RapscallionJones]

* WIRED - The movie about John Belushi based on the book by Bob Woodward.  This movie disappeared from its limited theatrical release within about 1 week.  I rented a VHS copy many years ago and I actually had a headache by the time it was over.

Wow!  Really?  I've been giving consideration, lately, to tracking that down and checking it out.  It occurred to me that it came out with a lot of hype surrounding it and then disappeared without a trace.  That's criteria enough to make me look for a particular movie since I seem to find a lot of gems among the crap.  This anti-endorsement and the review I just read at IMDB has only served to "embolden" me.

I need to see this piece of s**t.

[VogNhymn]

If I had to name 3

Mission Impossible 2
Psyched By the 4D Witch
Graveyard (with Jon Mikel Thor)

 oh yeah! any romantic comedy

[lester1/2jr]

  theree are hundreds of different ways to evaluate a film.  Honestly, the biggest pieece of s**t in existence is richard grieco's "Tomcat :Dangerous Desires" mercifully not available on DVD hopefully ever.  richard Greico gets injected with this cat...chemical that makes him crazy and a fantastic dancer.  It's just retarded beyond all sensiblity. 

[Raffine]

At first, I was going to simplify it with "Anything by the Polonia Brothers" or "Anything starring Madonna" but then I remembered how I promised myself that I was going to stop obsessing over the ineptitude of the Polonia Brothers & Madonna

Ah, but so true, so true.

 I'd add anything by Andy Milligan or Don Dohler.
I feel sorta bad about mention Dohler since his movies always seem genuinely heartfelt... and he died fairly recently. 


Here's a particularly painful boil of a movie I'd like to add to this list:

WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005) Timothy Hines version
An almost word-for-world film adaptation of Well's classic novel might seem like a sci-fi fan's wetdream, but after about fifteen minute you'll be craving the C. Thomas Howell version from the same year. It's nearly impossible to exaggerate how mind-numbingly tedious this is and how awful the CGI effects are in Hines' loooong film.

[Joe the Destroyer]

Well, I have a few to add, anyway...

Habitat- The premise, the acting, everything about this movie just makes you hate life!  Yes, it's that bad.  The only upside to this film is the one "sex" scene in it, which had a very idiotic ending to it. 

Batman and Robin- Easily the worst Batman-related thing ever!  Even the Batman colostomy bag would have a better use than this film.  They screwed all the characters up, making Mr. Freeze a mindless musclehead kind of guy who acts like a scientist rather than being calculating and devious, they turned Poison Ivy into a twit rather than seductive, and made Bane into an even bigger no brained musclehead.  I understand they were going for a more 60's Batman approach, but let's not forget that the 60's nearly killed Batman. 

Up From the Depths- Yeah, fine.  Whatever.  Replace Jaws with a muppet.  Just... go with it.

The Demon- This has got to be one of the most godawful, disjointed films I've ever seen.  It felt like the writer wanted to turn it into a giallo film at first, tried to write an uninteresting subplot about some blond that would up taking over the film, forgot to add anymore of a plot and just started filming whatever, had the antagonist just killing whoever, abandoned the giallo plot out of nowhere, then had a final fight scene that was actually pretty cool.  It's just too bad that the first few minutes and that final scene are the bread that makes a very rotten turkey sandwich.

Zombie Chronicles- I think what spurred this movie was a guy and his buddies drinking beers and watching Dawn of the Dead, when one of them said, "Dude, we should make a zombie movie!"  The rest, that includes the lackluster "Tales from the Crypt inspired" plots, is history.  I mean, come on!  When they show you all the cool death scenes during the opening credits, you know the film isn't even remotely worth watching.  On a funny side note, I wound up trading this pile of rubbish in at Hastings.  I paid about $5 for the DVD, and they're trying to sell my used copy for about $7.  I feel bad for the sucker who picks it up.

Backwoods- It felt like a movie someone made for a high school art class.  I made one of those.  It was a comedy about an old man that saw a demon, but every time his grandson came into the shot the demon turned into an inanimate object of some kind.  It made you question whether the old man was crazy, senile, or what.  It was called Manzanilla: A Pale, Dry Spanish Sherry.  We got the title by pointing to the first word in the dictionary.  What I'm getting at is that I have no intention on releasing this film.  My friend and I have toyed with the idea of doing a bigger budget remake and actually marketing that, but beyond that... Anyway, Backwoods is full of crappy humor, lame death scenes, and too many "in" jokes that the creators seemed to share.  Although, the bit with the French guy was kind of funny, especially the girl saying, "Man, my back story sucks!"

[hellbilly]

Agreed on Zombie Chronicles. It was quite a pain to sit through. There's another bad anthology called Tales From The Grave (2003). It has one halfway decent story but the rest made my brain explode.
I do enjoy The Demon though as it never fails to crack me up. One of my many favorite so-bad-so-good movies.

[RapscallionJones]

Zombie Chronicles[/b]- I think what spurred this movie was a guy and his buddies drinking beers and watching Dawn of the Dead, when one of them said, "Dude, we should make a zombie movie!"  The rest, that includes the lackluster "Tales from the Crypt inspired" plots, is history.  I mean, come on!  When they show you all the cool death scenes during the opening credits, you know the film isn't even remotely worth watching.  On a funny side note, I would up trading this pile of rubbish in at Hastings.  I paid about $5 for the DVD, and they're trying to sell my used copy for about $7.  I feel bad for the sucker who picks it up.

This reminds me of a movie a friend picked up at a horror con a few years back:

Bone Sickness: I feel bad ripping on these guys because the movie looks like they had a lot of fun making it but the director/writer/star was kind of a dick at the con and it's proof positive that the Bookwalter Shot On Video wave of the 90's may not have been such a good thing.  For every Violent s**t there are five no-budget zombie movies made by hardgore Fulci fans with no concept of storytelling.  When badly made up zombies start walking around, a crack special forces team is called in abd are torn apart almost immediately.  Meanwhile, the doughy morgue worker manages to struggle with one zombie for nearly fifteen minutes.  You can actually see a plot starting to take form before bong hits derailed it.  The end features real car crashes, though. So I guess it has that going for it.

[Raffine]

I imagine when I finally tackle some of those home-brewed Pendulum Pictures in the Decrepit Crypt Collection I'll be able to add several pages to this thread.

I have high hopes for SUBURBAN SASQUATCH (2004), which sounds like a bit like a remake/tribute to NIGHT OF THE DEMON (1980), the best bigfoot+gore movie ever!

[LilCerberus]

WAR OF THE WORLDS (2005) Timothy Hines version
An almost word-for-world film adaptation of Well's classic novel might seem like a sci-fi fan's wetdream, but after about fifteen minute you'll be craving the C. Thomas Howell version from the same year. It's nearly impossible to exaggerate how mind-numbingly tedious this is and how awful the CGI effects are in Hines' loooong film.

It seems I'm the only one on the internet who actually found Hines' level of ineptitude strangely entertaining, despite the tree hour runtime. I dunno, I guess it was all the "WTF was he thinking?" moments (kinda' like the revelation of Satakoy's secret affliction in RollerBlade) that somehow kept me mesmerized.

One that I keep forgetting is Point of No Return, the Americanized remake of La Femme Nikita. They took all the human qualities out of the characters, replaced all the suspense with cliches, tacked on a gratuitous happy ending, and that's just scratching the surface.

[Raffine]

It seems I'm the only one on the internet who actually found Hines' level of ineptitude strangely entertaining, despite the tree hour runtime. I dunno, I guess it was all the "WTF was he thinking?" moments (kinda' like the revelation of Satakoy's secret affliction in RollerBlade) that somehow kept me mesmerized.

I understand there's a Special Director's Cut you can get that has even more walking. 

You make a good point: I admit I've watched it all the way through twice.

[LilCerberus]

It seems I'm the only one on the internet who actually found Hines' level of ineptitude strangely entertaining, despite the tree hour runtime. I dunno, I guess it was all the "WTF was he thinking?" moments (kinda' like the revelation of Satakoy's secret affliction in RollerBlade) that somehow kept me mesmerized.

I understand there's a Special Director's Cut you can get that has even more walking. 

You make a good point: I admit I've watched it all the way through twice.

I understand there are several director's cuts, each one slightly shorter than the others, though just as bad.
I still think The Wizard of Mars has Hines' WOTW beat by a country mile when it comes to long drawn out scenes of walking & irritatingly dull narration.