New to Forum, Beowulf review

[Gwangi]

Hello everyone, I've been lurking for a while because I am a fan off all B movies.  I've decided to post a quick review of Beowulf (Spoilers ahead).

If you're a fan of the epic poem, be warned.  This movie steers to the left of the great tale and into a fiery pit of special effects and big name stars.  Beowulf has heard of the horrible terror that Grendel is causing in King Hrothgar's mead hall and has come to destroy the monster.  Grendel is a huge, slimy, scaly humanoid that speaks in Old English and sounds more like the "special" people that Wal-Mart hires to round up stray grocery carts rather than a giant beast.  In any case, Grendel only attacks when people are drinking and having a good time, therefore, Beowulf has a big party.  The monster attacks and kills several people before the hero finally defeats the creature by using a chain and mead hall door to pry off Grendel's arm.  The poor monster's voice sounds so pitiful I actually felt sorry for it.
Some stuff happens, then our hero goes to fight Grendel's mother.  Instead of killing her with the giant's sword as in the poem, he has sex with her (we also find out that Grendel was the son of King Hrothgar when he did the horizontal polka with her as well).  She promises him great fame and fortune so our mighty steadfast hero caves in to his desires of wealth and power.  So instead of riding back to Geatland and becoming king there, King Hrothgar announces Beowulf will become king after he dies.  After that statement, the old king kills himself. 
Several years down the road a dragon attacks a village and it turns out the dragon is Beowulf's son! (DA DA DAAAAA).  The king kills the dragon and dies from cutting his own arm off.  As the new king sets Beowulf's burning funeral vessel out to sea, he sees Grendel's mother, who has now set her eyes upon him.  Fade to black.

The effects were outstanding.  In fact there were some places where I thought it was real people and not computer.  But being a great fan of the epic Germanic/Nordic tale I was deeply disappointed with the story.  Fun to watch, but it really p**sed me off.

Things I learned from this movie:
1.  Disgusting monsters hate merriment.
2.  Monsters shrink when you attack them.
3.  Gold drinking horns give off more light than torches.
4.  If you mate with a monster you're offspring will either be hideously deformed or a giant dragon.
5.  Dragon's hearts are in their throats.
6.  Computerized boobies are sexy.
7.  Everybody in Hollywood cares jack squat about leaving a story the way it is, they'd much rather add their own touches (to "make it better." WTF???)

[Rev. Powell]

Welcome to the forums, Gwangi!  Now, I had no intention of seeing this movie, simply seeing it as a big budget Hollywood remake of Graham Baker's 1999 Beowulf (reviewed by Andrew here), but these computerized boobies you speak of intrigue me...

Also, I love reviews that contain phrases like "some stuff happens."  Kinda says it all.

[Gwangi]

It was actually a good movie, but I'm tired of how everyone has to "modify" their movies to have some sort of twist.  I would love to see a Beowulf movie that actually follows the prose.  Oh well, let's hope if Hollywood ever decides to make a Boudicca or Cuchulain movie it'll be decent.

[Andrew]

Welcome aboard, Gwangi!

I had the same issue with the other "Beowulf."  Are the producers or director worried that people will be so familiar with the thousand-year-old epic poem that the film will be boring?  The poem has enough missing detail that the script could add lots of interesting facets while leave the basic story alone.  Grendel needs to look a lot like the troll from "Legend" (or worse) and I cannot remember him talking or acting like anything more than a feral beast in the story.

[D-Man]

To me, this film is little more than an excuse to try and copy the success of 300, with an added gimmick.  I mean, I hear the guy in the previews saying "I AM BEOWUUUUULLLF!" and it sounds almost exactly like Gerard Butler's "THIS IS SPAAAARTAAAAA!"

[AnubisVonMojo]

The funny thing about Beowulf is that Hollywood finally realized how to get over the difficulty of trying to make cgi look realistic in comparison to the live actors: make the entire movie cgi. Problem solved! 

[316zombie]

i am somewhat befuddled by a phrase in the review,what is a"chain and mead hall door"?other than that small confusion,i think your review was very well written,and thanks!i will probably rent it just for the effects,i'm intrigued with anubis's comment as well...
and btw,somebody did make a boadicca movie not that long ago,i remember seeing commercials for it..possibly it was a tvmovie or miniseries,but i know the commercials were really loud,they annoyed me no end...

[Gwangi]

In the orginal poem, Beowulf used his brute strength to rip off Grendel's arm.  In this movie, Beowulf uses a chain to capture the monster's arm then used the doors to the mead hall to smash it off.

[WingedSerpent]

I just saw it a couple of hours ago, and thought it was a decent movie.  I could have waited until the cheap shows, or DVD-but then again I've wasted money on worse movies.

I felt about it the same way I felt about 300 (which somebody metioned) The makers wanted to due a movie based on the "God of War" game but couldn't get the rights.  Beowulf fighting the Sea Serpents had some of the exact same moves as Kratos-GOW's hero.

[Pilgermann]

If there's a theater near you playing this in IMAX 3D or digital 3D, see it (IMAX tends to have superior 3D effects).  I've seen a few parts of the digital 3D and it's very impressive looking.

As for the movie deviating from the story, the screen writers Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary had sort of an interesting reason for it.  Here's the excerpt:

Q: There wasn't any naked woman trying to seduce Beowulf, was there?

Gaiman: What we did when we decided to write this is that we had our theory, and our theory was that at any point where the poem tells you what happened, it's telling the truth. But at any point when somebody in the poem goes offstage, and then comes back on and says, "While I was in the other room, this is what happened"... they could be lying.

Avary: Let me ask you--

Gaiman: Beowulf takes off after Grendel's mother, he disappears for eight days, comes back looking rather exhausted with Grendel's head--

Avary: Had he already killed Grendel, why would he not return with the mother's head?

Gaiman: And we just started going, "This is very unreliable." It's the concept of the unreliable narrator. So we liked the idea that... people can lie. Especially in these wonderful sagas where people are forever standing up and going, "I am Beowulf, and this is just what I did! I killed the mighty beast, and I killed the evil hag!" We had enormous fun doing that, and still trying to play fair as if it was some kind of peculiar game that we were going to be playing with English professors all around the world.

Avary: Until the end of time.

[316zombie]

thaks gwangi!