BARELY LEGAL LESBIAN VAMPIRES - THE CURSE OF ED WOOD!

[The Burgomaster]

This "movie" (???) is included in Mill Creek's TOMB OF TERRORS 50 movie pack.

My guess is that a bunch of people met each other at a Goth nightclub one night and got the bright idea to make this poor excuse for a movie.

First, I'd like to go on record as saying I think this would have been rated NC-17 if the MPAA ratings board had reviewed it.  There are no hardcore sex scenes.  However, scenes of topless and scantily clad women kissing, fondling, showering in blood, and participating in bondage are pervasive throughout the first 75% or so of this movie.  Again, these are not hardore scenes, but they are so lengthy, frequent, and gratuitous, I believe they would have pushed this movie out of "R" range and into NC-17.

The movie begins with the onscreen host (a guy named Mr. Creepo) wandering through a cemetary looking for the grave of his great uncle Ed Wood.  Mr. Creepo is sort of a male version of Elvira in that he shows up again part way through the movie to say stupid things, and then returns at the end to say goodbye to us.

After the Mr. Creepo introduction, the "plot" begins.  Carmilla, the main vampire (played by a terrible actress named Lolita Langsuir) recruits Lilith (Stephanie Bloode) to be her new "pretty."  Lilith is vulnerable because she has just broken up with her girlfriend (after a long kissing and fondling scene in front of a fireplace).

Before long, Muffy the Vampire Slayer (yes, that's Muffy, not Buffy) shows up to battle Carmilla and her horde of vampire followers (some of whom have difficulty reciting their dialogue because their fake fangs seem to be on the verge of falling out most of the time).  Muffy traces the vampires to a BYOB (Bring Your Own Blood) party.  When she drives stakes into the vampires or splashes them with holy water, they burst into flames.  This "special effect" is created by superimposing animated flames over the images of the writhing vampires.

Without going into too much detail, other characters are referred to as the Dungeon Mistress, the Tongue, and Rubberman.

During the end credits, we learn that much of this movie was filmed in Goth clubs in New Jersey.

This movie is bad in every way.  I'm sure some of you will watch it based solely on this comment.  I take no responsibility for the 80 minutes of your life you will waste doing so.

[Andrew]

Hahaha!  I have a story about this one.  Years ago, the producer or distributor emailed me about this film and the advance screening.  Since I couldn't go (don't know where the USMC had me, but the screening was in New York), I asked my friend Todd to go and check it out.  That way he could give me a write-up and I'd post the piece.

Todd had an interesting night.  He watched it in a small screening room, with many of the cast being the audience.  He said it was surreal to see some girl covered in blood, otherwise naked, and licking on some other girls and then notice that same girl was sitting nearby and also seemed to be enjoying the show.  We never managed to write anything up about the screening, because Todd's final report was, "That's about it.  Women get naked, cover themselves in blood, and makeout."

[The Burgomaster]

We never managed to write anything up about the screening, because Todd's final report was, "That's about it.  Women get naked, cover themselves in blood, and makeout."

This is a PERFECT synopsis!  Thank you!

[Dr. Whom]

Hmmm, sounds like my kind of movie, then.

[Ash]

Sounds kinky!   

[Ozzymandias]

Ozzymandias speaks: I've GOT to get a copy of that.

Ozzymandias has spoken!!!

[Torgo]

I've got a copy of this movie somewhere on DVD but haven't watched it. It's not a part of that Mill Creek 50 park. I think that Brentwood Entertainment put out the copy that I have.

I'll have to check it out now as this sounds horrible enough to be quite entertaining.