Speaking of Zombies: How would YOU do it?

[Scott]

OK, so you're tasked with coming up with the outline for a Zombie flick. ..How would you do it? Here's mine:

Can't reveal mine. It's one of my million dollar idea's. Basically it involves zombie like creatures, but they aren't zombies and I've developed the perfect monster theme with all of it's social impact. None of which have been done yet in film or writing. I've been trying to get my daughter to help me with the script, because I'm not very good with fictional characters in written form. Except for character traits and situations I have trouble putting characters into movement in written form. Guess I have to work at it more.

[asimpson2006]

I'd have people become zombies from playing video games to long and you'd only be able to kill them with a NES light gun.

I wanna see the training montage of everybody playing Duck Hunt

LOL Karma for that.  But what we need to figure out is what song we need to play for the montage.  Do we play Gonna fly now, Eye of the Tiger, or Hearts on Fire?

The only idea I have for mine is that after a chemical attack between two nations people who were infected by the chemical attack turn into zombies and a resistance force that's made up of the survivors of the chemical attack have to escape their country and kill the zombies that have taken over the country.

[Mr. DS]

How about a spaghetti western zombie movie that features infected horses terrorizing the inhabitants of a small town.  You can have plenty of closeups on the horses eyes then have it switch to a close up of the townsfolk eyes while they battle. 

[ghouck]

Can't reveal mine. It's one of my million dollar idea's. Basically it involves zombie like creatures, but they aren't zombies and I've developed the perfect monster theme with all of it's social impact. None of which have been done yet in film or writing.

Is it where anyone infected turns into George W Bush? Maybe an albino, midget, transvestite, moped-riding version of him.

[AndyC]

OK, I have one that is completely original.

While the earth is passing through the tail of a comet, a racoon that has been eating fish from a lake polluted with radioactive mercury is taken in by an annoying kid who keeps it as a pet until it gets loose, is bitten by a rabid bat and escapes into the ventilation system of a secret germ warfare laboratory where it is accidentally infected with a mutant virus. It is disposed of by throwing it through an experimental dimensional portal, but the janitor accidentally releases it later that night when he spills a soft drink on the controls. As it is now the size of a large bear, and resistant to every toxin they've thrown at it, the scientists hit it with an untested nerve gas. Thinking it's dead, they stick it in the fridge, but the cold revives it and it devours two teenagers making out in the lab (the girl stole her dad's keys) not knowing that the boy was cursed by an old gypsy woman. Fleeing the laboratory, the giant racoon-like thing is hit by an 18-wheeler, which flips and douses it with some green, glowing liquid. Then it's hit by lightning. A misguided old man happens upon the scene and takes pity on the beast, lugging it through the woods and burying it in the old Micmac burial ground where that evil spirit hangs out - the wapiti.....wasabi.....whatever the hell it's called. The racoon (if you can still call it that) then comes back to life and bites the guy and he staggers off in a stupor. Falling into the bayou, he drowns, but an old voodoo priest fishes him out and resurrects him as a zombie!

[Patient7]

OK, I have one that is completely original.

While the earth is passing through the tail of a comet, a racoon that has been eating fish from a lake polluted with radioactive mercury is taken in by an annoying kid who keeps it as a pet until it gets loose, is bitten by a rabid bat and escapes into the ventilation system of a secret germ warfare laboratory where it is accidentally infected with a mutant virus. It is disposed of by throwing it through an experimental dimensional portal, but the janitor accidentally releases it later that night when he spills a soft drink on the controls. As it is now the size of a large bear, and resistant to every toxin they've thrown at it, the scientists hit it with an untested nerve gas. Thinking it's dead, they stick it in the fridge, but the cold revives it and it devours two teenagers making out in the lab (the girl stole her dad's keys) not knowing that the boy was cursed by an old gypsy woman. Fleeing the laboratory, the giant racoon-like thing is hit by an 18-wheeler, which flips and douses it with some green, glowing liquid. Then it's hit by lightning. A misguided old man happens upon the scene and takes pity on the beast, lugging it through the woods and burying it in the old Micmac burial ground where that evil spirit hangs out - the wapiti.....wasabi.....whatever the hell it's called. The racoon (if you can still call it that) then comes back to life and bites the guy and he staggers off in a stupor. Falling into the bayou, he drowns, but an old voodoo priest fishes him out and resurrects him as a zombie!

WHAT???????    Sounds like my kind of film.

[GLKnight]

OK, I have one that is completely original.

While the earth is passing through the tail of a comet, a racoon that has been eating fish from a lake polluted with radioactive mercury is taken in by an annoying kid who keeps it as a pet until it gets loose, is bitten by a rabid bat and escapes into the ventilation system of a secret germ warfare laboratory where it is accidentally infected with a mutant virus. It is disposed of by throwing it through an experimental dimensional portal, but the janitor accidentally releases it later that night when he spills a soft drink on the controls. As it is now the size of a large bear, and resistant to every toxin they've thrown at it, the scientists hit it with an untested nerve gas. Thinking it's dead, they stick it in the fridge, but the cold revives it and it devours two teenagers making out in the lab (the girl stole her dad's keys) not knowing that the boy was cursed by an old gypsy woman. Fleeing the laboratory, the giant racoon-like thing is hit by an 18-wheeler, which flips and douses it with some green, glowing liquid. Then it's hit by lightning. A misguided old man happens upon the scene and takes pity on the beast, lugging it through the woods and burying it in the old Micmac burial ground where that evil spirit hangs out - the wapiti.....wasabi.....whatever the hell it's called. The racoon (if you can still call it that) then comes back to life and bites the guy and he staggers off in a stupor. Falling into the bayou, he drowns, but an old voodoo priest fishes him out and resurrects him as a zombie!

All that for a voodoo resurrection...

Fund it!


And my own? Tried and true method: "No comment."

If the story is good enough, you don't need a catalyst. But it would start at the point of viral mutation, i.e. zombies getting smarter or bigger, growing multiple arms or tentacles, or nanomech cyberoptic upgrades like cannons.

[Mofo Rising]

You know what I would love to see? Well, has anybody seen Ken Burn's Civil War documentary?

What I would do is keep the documentary format, but for some reason, during the American Civil War the dead rose from their graves. So you would have the North battling the South, but there would be a third front of the living dead from which nobody was safe. And of course every battle added more grist for the zombie mill. All of this still told in the documentary format. Mix in enough real history with the alternate zombie stuff (including immaculately reconstructed Zombie Civil War photographs and journal entries), and that would be the perfect storm of zombie awesomeness.

Really, other than the research and photo-doctoring, it would be a very cheap project to put together. If I was filmically inclined, I would seriously consider doing it.

[AndyC]

Just to be clear, I was kidding. That was an attempt to cram every cliche I could think of into one story. GLKnight seems to have found the punchline without recognizing it as such.

[indianasmith]

Karma anyway, AndyC, it was a hilarious read!

[Patient7]

Just to be clear, I was kidding. That was an attempt to cram every cliche I could think of into one story. GLKnight seems to have found the punchline without recognizing it as such.

For the record, I did see that as a joke, but I would watch it if it came out.

You know what I would love to see? Well, has anybody seen Ken Burn's Civil War documentary?

What I would do is keep the documentary format, but for some reason, during the American Civil War the dead rose from their graves. So you would have the North battling the South, but there would be a third front of the living dead from which nobody was safe. And of course every battle added more grist for the zombie mill. All of this still told in the documentary format. Mix in enough real history with the alternate zombie stuff (including immaculately reconstructed Zombie Civil War photographs and journal entries), and that would be the perfect storm of zombie awesomeness.

Really, other than the research and photo-doctoring, it would be a very cheap project to put together. If I was filmically inclined, I would seriously consider doing it.

That sounds like an alright movie, especially if it was a comedy.  There is a movie made in documentary format called American Zombie, about zombies living in L.A. just as regular people.  I'm not sure on the release date though.

[Dr. Whom]

I'm as yet a little unclear on the details, but my version would involve garden gnomes in large quantities.

[Terf]

"Chuck Norris and Dave Chappelle vs. the Zombies" - You know it's epic by the title alone!

Basically, Chuck and Dave are working as scientists in a super-duper secret underground government facility. Chuck is a former Marine (cue the John Cena cameo), tough and intelligent, yet quiet and patient. Dave is...well, he puts the "fu" into "funky." (He's also scared of dying, going to heaven, and meeting George Washington up there.)

Their boss was recently put in charge of a super-duper secret assignment, involving the transfer of brain waves from one body to another. So far, he and his crew have been able to do so through the saliva (and/or teeth), since it's the best conductor which is "out in the open".

Naturally, something goes haywire. In this case, whatever happened occurred while one of the volunteers was saying and thinking, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" This thought gets frozen inside his body, and his mind reacts by portraying every thing that moves as "food"...

(Oh, right. Somehow the zombies need to be really hard to kill...um...well, maybe the testosterone of that one guy becomes overproduced when his mind goes haywire, somehow making him really tough to kill. This concept is also transferred through the saliva.)

Chaos ensues. At first, Chuck and Dave don't know what's going on. After they figure it out, Chuck wants to save as many people as possible, while Dave just wants to haul ass out of there. They split over the disagreement. (Lots of scenes of Chuck punching and roundhouse kicking zombies, and Dave getting scared and firing his Glock and running away.) However, a little while later, they meet up again by accident. Chuck has rounded up a group of 12 or so survivors, while Dave lost an ear. Dave apologizes to Chuck, who accepts it. Then the whole mess of people fight their way to the surface and get into the last helicopter.

Unfortunately, it explodes.

Chuck - who survived the explosion because of his ability to roundhouse kick - gets EXTREMELY upset. (It's impossible to describe.) He gets so sad and angry that he flies backwards around the Earth to change its direction of rotation and turn back time.

Fortunately, it works. (Chuck doesn't know why he didn't think of that earlier. After all, he's part Superman.)

Going back to the facility, Chuck destroys anything that could possibly lead to the expirament (short of killing anyone who didn't deserve it). He then realizes that life is too short to waste, so he and Dave go to California and hold a gay marriage ceremony. It turns out one of the ladies he might have saved is there too, getting married to her partner (both are blonde). Fade out.

During the credits, scantily-clad ladies, ages 20 - 30something, are shown at a slumber party. The End.

[indianasmith]

You had me until you made Chuck Norris be gay.

[AndyC]

And had him marrying Dave Chappelle. What an odd match.