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Author Topic: How to Be A Badass!  (Read 12261 times)
BTM
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« on: October 02, 2008, 10:51:56 PM »

This is an idea that popped into my head one day.  I spent days working on it...  I'll probably even add more to it later on.  Enjoy!




How To Be A Badass

Knowing how to be a badass is probably one of THE most important skill you’ll ever learn.  When you’re a badass, it’ll enable you to live life to the fullest.  You’ll learn how to deal with bad guys, handle the ladies and experience life in a way few men dream of.  So, with that in mind, we present this guide to How To Be A Badass.


The Look

To be a badass, you MUST be attired in the proper clothing.  There’s a variety of things you can wear, each with its own unique statement.  For example, you could go for the simple Every Man look that says, “I’m such a badass, I don’t care HOW I look.”  This usually consists of a white t-shirt, light colored pants, and MAYBE a long, unbuttoned shirt on top.  White is particularly good for showing off all the dirt and sweat you’ll inevitably acquire as you go about doing badass stuff.

Or, you could go with the Dark Rebel look.  This primarily consists of wearing dark clothes ( often made of leather).  Trench coats are good as well.

Next up: stubble.  Very few badasses are ever cleanly shaved.  It’s always good for the image to have several days’ worth of stubble on your chin.  Badasses don’t use razors, unless it’s just enough to prevent a beard from forming. 


Ex-Something or Other


Badasses always have some kind of past, usually they’re ex Police Offices, CIA, DEA, mercenaries, some secret assassins guild, or they used to be part of an elite military force.  This is where you learned most of your awesome skills in kickassery.  In addition, you may have undergone training from some old Asian guy as well. 

The reasons you’re not in whatever organization you used to be affiliated are varied.  Maybe you were valiantly injured in the line of duty and, while you’d do it again, the whole experience has made you bitter.  Maybe you refused to perform an order because it was against your Code (see The Code), or maybe it’s due to the fact that badasses in general don’t play well with others, and tend to have their own way of doing things.  Or, your occupation could have gotten a loved one or innocent bystander killed (because of this, you might have even sworn an oath never to do/use whatever occupation/skill you once had.)  Whatever the reason, you’re now a Lone Wolf, as most badasses are.


Pain

As a badass, you feel pain, but only for a little while.  It’s perfectly okay to grunt or even occasionally yell in pain when you’ve been stabbed, shot, or punched, but note that once the scene-er, I mean, hour, is over, your pain is somehow miraculously gone.  Whatever limp you may have had has disappeared and, of course, badasses never stop what they’re doing for stupid stuff like going to the hospital, or letting a doctor check them over for injuries as long as there’s still bad guys to be killed.  Only after the Main Threat is taken care of can you allow the paramedics to take you away.

Exception: You may wince in pain when a female is applying alcohol or peroxide to your wounds, however, this is mainly done to get a sympathy lay, and not because you’re in actual pain. 


One Liners

All badasses have a dry sense of humor and a stinging wit that allows them to spout off  various sarcastic remarks and one liners, no matter how dire the circumstances.  When things seem their darkest, a true badass never gives into despair or fear, instead they say something witty. 

Example, when in an already hopeless situations and even MORE bad guys show up to finish you off, you’ll smile and say, “This just keeps getting better and better!”


Old Friends and Associates


Badasses often have old friends or associates from “back in the day” who are willing to help you out on occasion, either by giving you information or joining you on whatever mission/quest you’re currently undertaking.  Sometimes these friends are former associates from whatever organization you used to belong to (see Ex-Something Or Other).  While they come in handy, beware!  Badasses often have one friend who’ll betray and subsequently try to kill you for some reason.  This is one of the downsides to being a badass.


Sadness and Grief

A true badass never cries, ever.  The only thing close to tears a badass is allowed is to yell the word, “NO!!” at the top of his lungs while cradling the corpse of his girlfriend, S/O, partner, child, or what have you.  Badasses turn their sadness into anger (or alcoholism), and live by the motto, “I'll cry after I'm done killing!”


The Code

All badasses have some sort of code that they live by.  Some set of morals or guidelines that they use to direct their life.  It may be something chivalrous like, “Protect the weak, never hit a woman”, or it may be something simplistic like, “Shoot first, ask questions later.”  Or it might be something completely obscure and virtually incomprehensible to the common man like, “Never kill someone using products made from animals”, but regardless, all badass have some kind of code. 

NOTE: The code is not exactly the same as Rules.  A lot of badasses have Rules they live by as well, but, more often than not, they end up having to break said rules during the course of whatever bit of trouble has inevitably found them.


Feats of Badassery

Knocking some dude out with one punch.
Falling off a cliff and then sewing up your wounds.
Cauterizing your own wounds.
Killing two or more people with one bullet.
Stabbing and killing someone with a vegetable, icicle, or other non-traditional weapon.
Saying, “Is that all you’ve got?!?” or variation thereof while being tortured.
Taking on a wild, dangerous animal (bear, tiger, lion, etc) armed only with a stick (wooden spears count.)
Taking on a wild, dangerous animal armed only with a knife.
Taking on a wild, dangerous animal with your bare hands.
Tossing a bad guy through a plate glass window. 


Feats of Non-Badassery

Begging for your life.
Begging for sex.
Begging for change.
Pointing out how risky a certain behavior is.
Saying, “How about we let the authorities handle this?”
Saying, “Please don’t hurt me!” and actually meaning it.
Discussing your feelings (other than how p**sed off you are).
Yelling, “Not in the face!” during a fight.
Drinking Perrier.
Taking on a wild, dangerous animal naked (there's a fine line between badass and just plain stupid!)
« Last Edit: October 03, 2008, 02:47:25 PM by BTM » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2008, 12:07:17 PM »

Great list!  It could be expanded almost infinitely.

For example, did'ja ever notice how badasses NEVER think that the terrorists/Russian mobsters/Colombian drug cartel leaders who are planning to put LSD in Des Moines' water supply or blow up Congress with a dirty bomb are any concern of theirs?  Most of them are DEDICATED PACIFISTS who would rather just stay on their ranch raising ostriches or tending their bonsai trees and NEVER EVEN CONSIDER ventilating bad guys with a 9MM, until the bad guys MAKE IT PERSONAL by abducting their ex-partner on the DAY BEFORE HIS RETIREMENT and performing some gruesome torture on him?   

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« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2008, 12:38:25 PM »

Real men consider a 9mm a "Girl Gun" and prefer the oldschool .45ACP, IF they use guns at all. Brock "The Swedish Murder Machine" Sampson uses only a knife and his bare hands, and he's the Toughest Mofo on the planet.

http://www.craptasticvoyage.com/video/BFS.avi

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BTM
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« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2008, 02:49:43 PM »

Real men consider a 9mm a "Girl Gun" and prefer the oldschool .45ACP, IF they use guns at all. Brock "The Swedish Murder Machine" Sampson uses only a knife and his bare hands, and he's the Toughest Mofo on the planet.

http://www.craptasticvoyage.com/video/BFS.avi


DOH!  That reminds me, I had a segment on guns planned for the article, but I forgot to put it in there!
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« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2008, 06:33:08 PM »

Real men consider a 9mm a "Girl Gun" and prefer the oldschool .45ACP, IF they use guns at all. Brock "The Swedish Murder Machine" Sampson uses only a knife and his bare hands, and he's the Toughest Mofo on the planet.

http://www.craptasticvoyage.com/video/BFS.avi


DOH!  That reminds me, I had a segment on guns planned for the article, but I forgot to put it in there!


Be sure to mention that only wimps reload.  A badass can squeeze exactly as many rounds out of a clip as he needs to kill everyone he wants.
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« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2008, 06:41:25 PM »

Real men consider a 9mm a "Girl Gun" and prefer the oldschool .45ACP, IF they use guns at all. Brock "The Swedish Murder Machine" Sampson uses only a knife and his bare hands, and he's the Toughest Mofo on the planet.

http://www.craptasticvoyage.com/video/BFS.avi


DOH!  That reminds me, I had a segment on guns planned for the article, but I forgot to put it in there!


Be sure to mention that only wimps reload.  A badass can squeeze exactly as many rounds out of a clip as he needs to kill everyone he wants.


They don't even need to do the initial load, even with a shotgun from a department store!!!

Small | Large
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« Reply #6 on: October 04, 2008, 05:06:26 PM »

Badasses can forge a broken sword in less than a minuet, aswell as starting fires with sticks.
Also, they can fix anything with chewing gum.
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« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2008, 12:35:05 AM »

Real men consider a 9mm a "Girl Gun" and prefer the oldschool .45ACP, IF they use guns at all. Brock "The Swedish Murder Machine" Sampson uses only a knife and his bare hands, and he's the Toughest Mofo on the planet.

http://www.craptasticvoyage.com/video/BFS.avi


DOH!  That reminds me, I had a segment on guns planned for the article, but I forgot to put it in there!
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« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2008, 07:47:08 AM »

 Smile

I've only ever been a bad-ass once in my life and that was when I punched the high school bully's a$$ out way back in 1981.

Me lover, not fighter.  Wink
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« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2008, 08:21:00 AM »

If at one tme or another you had done 7 out of the 10 Feats of Badassery, but had also at one time or another done 7 out of 10 Feats of Non-Badassery, does that make you a wussie badass or a badass wussie?
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BTM
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« Reply #10 on: October 08, 2008, 08:31:15 AM »

If at one tme or another you had done 7 out of the 10 Feats of Badassery, but had also at one time or another done 7 out of 10 Feats of Non-Badassery, does that make you a wussie badass or a badass wussie?

Depends if you did the 7 feats of Wussiness (hey, maybe I change it to that...) BEFORE you became a badass, all can be forgiven.  But if you keep alternating between Badass and nonbadass feats then you might schizo...
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« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2008, 03:03:15 PM »

Dexter Morgan has actually exhibited this kind of "schizo" behaviour, but then Dexter Morgan is a serial killer who likes to see blood.
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