LEONARD PART 6
Columbia Pictures, 1987
Submitted by Andrew Weaver and Jed SipleTHE CHARACTERS
Leonard Parker - Bill Cosby! World famous super spy turned restaurateur. Often being shot at and covered in soup.
Frayn - Leonard’s faithful butler and our narrator. Has extensive knowledge of Latin, famous military speeches and how Leonard likes to be kissed.
Snyderburn - Joe Don Baker! The head of the CIA. Joe Don is the most competent actor in the movie, and that’s really saying something.
Allison Parker - Leonard’s wife, even though they’ve been separated for seven years. Leonard lives right down the street from her. Dumps more slop on people than Nickelodeon.
Joan Parker - Leonard’s daughter. Sculptor/actress/nudist/grave robber.
Nurse Carvalho - Albanian fortune teller, and Leonard’s version of Q. Speaks only Albanian (i.e. gibberish.).
Man Ray - About as menacing as a man without eyebrows gets. A weiner makes his head explode…wait, what?
My Beloved Andy - An angry wheelchair bound torso who constantly shouts “Kill him!” Takes a swan dive into a vat of dishwashing liquid.
Medusa Johnson - Sparkly suited vegetarian with plans for world domination. Covered in exploding Palmolive, and dies…I guess.
Coca Cola, Palmolive, Lava Soap, Alka Seltzer, Adidas - The true stars of this film.LESSONS LEARNED
Rainbow trout can bark, and read Playboy.
A couple dozed frogs can easily lift a full size automobile.
Joe Don Baker loves blowing up vegetarians.
Every evil lair needs a basketball scoreboard.
Meat : Vegetarians :: Sunlight : Vampires
Coke is IT!STUFF TO WATCH FOR
Opening Credits – by Mrs. Carver’s 1st grade class.
7 mins. – RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST POULTRY!
24 mins. – GRATUITIOUS BILL COSBY BREAST SHOT!
40 mins – Bullet effects by Wile E. Coyote
54 mins. – Your daughter is stripping on stage. Act disgusted! Act outraged! ACT!
56 mins. – RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A LAMP!
65 mins. – Then why not put Yoo-Hoo in it?NOTABLE QUOTES
Frayn: “This was, I believe, the first recorded instance of a CIA agent being eaten alive by a rainbow trout!”
Medusa: “The couple that spies together, dies together.”
Leonard: “My wife is not a spy!”
Medusa: “Shut up, I needed a rhyme.”
Leonard: “Melted butter!”
Allison: “Melted butter!”
Leonard: “Melted butter!”
Allison: “Melted butter!”
Leonard: “Melted butter!”THE PLOT
If you lived through the eighties, you’ll remember that there was no bigger TV star than Bill Cosby. The Cosby Show ran from 1984 to 1992, constantly ranking at the top of the Neilsen rating. Many actors, having reached this level of superstardom, let their egos run wild and decide to break out into movie careers, singing careers, pro wrestling careers (Mr. T), etc. Bill Cosby was no exception, and unfortunately for us, Leonard Part 6 is the sole result of one actor’s ego. For you see, not only did Cosby act in this movie, but he also wrote and produced it.
“Leonard” stumbles out of the gate with a title sequence that makes the opening of “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” look like a Tex Avery cartoon. A menagerie of two-frame kid drawings of frogs, fish, elephants and doggies accompany credits that appear to have been scribbled by a kindergartener. To us, it doesn’t really say “BIG HOLLYWOOD FILM” as much as “MY FIRST YOUTUBE VIDEO BY TIMMY, AGE 6.”
Cut immediately to some of the most pointless opening shots ever to appear on film. First we see a camouflaged car with a gun turret on top jumping over a bump in a road, then cut to a shot of Bill Cosby driving, looking, well, to be quite honest really bored. It speaks volumes when the star of your film constantly has a look on his face that just screams “I just don’t give a rat’s ass”. Next we cut to a quick seen of Cosby, this time in a futuristic looking suit and helmet…ballet shoes? He’s dancing like a ballerina for God’s sake. Next we see him riding an ostrich on the roof of a building, through a neon sign, then turning into crappy claymation while there’s an explosion behind him. These are selected scenes from the movie we’re about to witness. Prepare yourselves, we’re only a few minutes in and we already know this one’s really gonna hurt.
Leonard’s faithful butler, and our narrator, Frayn butts in to give us the reason why this film is “Part 6.” Apparently, there have been five other Leonard films confiscated in the interest of national security. If the law of diminishing sequel returns holds true, the first one must have been average and the rest went downhill from there.
Soon, the “plot” reveals itself through a series of increasingly nonsensical and ridiculous scenes: An evil vegetarian, along with her eyebrow-less sidekick, wheelchair bound “beloved” and (judging by their leotards) the 1984 US men’s gymnastic team has a weapon that can cause fish, frogs and housecats into sadistic killers. Yes, really.
Our hero, Leonard Parker, is a former secret agent turned restaurateur called out of retirement by the CIA (led by Joe Don Baker, no less) to retrieve the sphere. At the same time, he has to deal with his daughter’s engagement to a septuagenarian black Italian, and his estranged wife, who, after seeing him for the first time in seven years, dumps soup all over him.
I know what you’re thinking, and no, we didn’t just throw darts at random words on the wall. This is the actual story.
But don’t worry. This is when the story really starts to pick up. Oh, who am I kidding. When Leonard infiltrates Medusa’s lair he encounters a terrifying army of the walking dead! Ha ha. Actually that would have been better than what we’re treated to, which is, and I swear I am not making this up, an army of dancing bird-men, some of which in bikini briefs for gods sake. They try to dance him to death, but Leonard outsmarts him by putting on a pair of ballet slippers he got from Nurse Carvalho. He then two-steps his way out of this bind and foils his attackers. Or something. I honestly don’t care at this point, as I am currently trying to comprehend what the director was thinking. “What can we do to make this masterpiece even more entertaining. I know, dancing attack bird-men! That’ll draw the crowds!”
He then obtains the sphere that controls the animals from the Bee Room, which naturally is filled with bees. He accomplishes this by sending in a queen bee to instruct the bees to attack the henchmen and escape the lair. (Which, by the way, is disguised as a tuna factory, and not very well I might add.)
After performing surgery on himself, he goes to see his daughters play, which is, for the love of God, a striptease. Thank you movie. You have officially crushed my soul. And throughout the whole sequence Leonard shows utterly no emotion other than complete boredom. You let me down, Cosby. And to think, I bought Jell-o Pudding Pops from you.
Backstage, in the U.S. Lava Soap Reserve Containment Facility (USLSRCF), Man Ray ties up Joan and kidnaps Allison. Leonard hatches a scheme to get his wife back and foil Medusa. Leonard and Frayn then stop at a grocery store and buy some PALMOLIVE DISH LIQUID and fill the liquid containing tubes of the sphere with PALMOLIVE DISH LIQUID. I don’t know why but suddenly I have the strangest urge to go out and buy a bunch of PALMOLIVE DISH LIQUID.
Turns out, the sphere was already filled with dishwashing liquid. The liquid is unimportant, and the sphere itself makes the magic…but if that’s the case, why are the animals fed the liquid, and why are there vats of it all over the place? Forgive me, we put too much thought into this movie. Good thing no one else on the movie did.
After extracting himself and his wife from a lobster filled deathtrap, Leonard makes a daring assault on the control room, repelling Medusa’s leotard wearing henchmen with hamburger patties, blowing up Man Ray’s head with a hot dog, and sending the whole place up in flames while riding an ostrich.
Hold on a sec. No, not dreaming, I actually wrote that.
I’ve had more fun putting my hand on a hot plate than watching this movie. No one is acting so much as they’re simply reading their lines. There are special effects which are quite clearly hand drawn, possibly be someone with three fingers.
Not to mention all the product placement, especially an entire scene where Cosby waves around a Coke bottle for the entirety, which is not surprising considering Coke owned Columbia at the time.
This is one of the few films where the star actively told people to stay away from. Cosby told anyone who would talk to him that it was a waste of time and money. He blamed the inexperienced director, but he’s the one who produced and wrote this claptrap in the first place.
We have a saying, Jed and I. “There’s bad, and then there’s baaaaaad.” Take it from us, this film is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.