Great Insults

[Ash]

The other night I was playing Call of Duty: World At War on my Xbox 360 and these two guys got into a disagreement after the match had ended.
One of them called the other a name and the other guy came back with an insult I'd never heard before.
He said, "You're like 5 pounds of s**t stuffed into a 2 pound bag!"

Everyone in the game lobby burst out laughing.   

How about you?
Know of any good insults?

[Psycho Circus]

May your daughters' hair grow thick, black, and abundant.....all over their faces.

May your children be so famous every policeman knows them.

I also like to call people "dingbats". 

[Saucerman]

Among my circle here, the commonest insult is "Douche-(insert noun here)." "Douchemonkey" is probably the most used. 

The greatest insult I've ever come across issues from our own beloved webmaster: "The broken condom that resulted in your conception should be on display in a museum as a testament to the futility of human effort in the face of an uncaring universe."

That's a work of art right there, Andrew. 

[Psycho Circus]

OOH! I forgot my favourite: "You'll never be the man your mother is" 

[JJ80]

There are some strong good ones around here:

"Your Maws got B@!$&* and your Da's loving it!";
"Away and boli yer heed!";
"Choob" and "Numptie" are very commonly used.
A common retort to an insult is "So's yer Maw!"

[indianasmith]

Lesseee .  . .

I heard a chick in one movie issue the most devastating comeback EVER to a flasher.  As he leaped out from the bushes and exposed himself, he said "What do you think about THAT, baby?"
Her retort:  "It looks like a penis, only smaller."

And a few "ugly" putdowns I use from time to time:  "Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road."
"So ugly she has to sneak up on a water fountain to get a drink."

and, one of my favorites when dealing with the mentally not-quite-up-to-snuff:

(Looking into their eyes)  "The wheel is still spinning, but the hamster is dead."

[zombie no.one]

"your mother should've swallowed you"

[Mr. DS]

"Is that your head or did your neck throw up?"
"The best part of you rolled down your mother's leg"
"You're ugly and your mom dresses you funny"

[ghouck]

"If I ever crapped something as ugly as you I'd go have my bunghole sewn shut"

"You're not worth the $2 you dad paid to have his way with your mom"

"If you were any dumber you'd need someone to hold up a sign that says "Breathe" every 5 seconds"

"They put their heads together, , , and it sounded like a bowling alley"

"If you were any dumber we'd have to water you twice a week"

"He's/She's so ugly my dog wouldn't even hump His/Her leg"

"He would screw a woodpile if thought there was a dead snake at the bottom of it"

Some of my favorite names to call people:
Douchebag
Douche-nozzle
butt-plug
card-carrying retard
living proof that stupid people shouldn't breed (or your verb of choice)
Also, I love stringing the insults together like Kevin Klien did in "A Fish Called Wanda"

[Allhallowsday]

CHRISTMAS is not a time for insults... 
Okay, it did remind of one: "Saturday Night Live" in it's first or second season spoofed THE EXORCIST and LARAINNE NEWMAN was thrashing around on a bed as Regan, and lipsynchs to a guttural off-stage voice:
"Your mama sews socks that smell...!" 

[Jack]

"He's a few fries short of a Happy Meal."

"Ever see a plastic a$$hole?  Gimme your driver's license and I'll show you one."

[indianasmith]

Among my circle here, the commonest insult is "Douche-(insert noun here)." "Douchemonkey" is probably the most used. 

The greatest insult I've ever come across issues from our own beloved webmaster: "The broken condom that resulted in your conception should be on display in a museum as a testament to the futility of human effort in the face of an uncaring universe."

That's a work of art right there, Andrew. 

That is absolutely the most brilliant putdown I have ever read.  When and where did Andrew use it??  Did the recipient immediately curl into a fetal position and die of shame?

[Saucerman]

I found it on the "Random Thoughts" page.

[Zapranoth]

Saw this on the net once, forgot where, and saved it:


"You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I'll bet
you couldn't pour p**s out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are
a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be
seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm
deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a
weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion,
a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly
with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world.
An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the
puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in
recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as
you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of
you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile,
worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this
earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to
impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will
still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more
rapidly.  You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up,
drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly
briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your
ignoble blood. May you ckoke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own
trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty
and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus.
Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are
unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that
reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements
of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you
hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more
weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle,
waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease,
you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient
in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are
dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all
unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.   You smarmy
lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You
grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish
foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated
tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You buggered bum-bailey
poofter. You craven dewberry p**shead f**kup pratting naff. You gob-kissing
gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted
clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate,
noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise
everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
 
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid.
Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the
stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are
trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that
even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect
can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid.
You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year.
Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can
really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the
original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated
by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm
sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you
may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to
deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant
trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
 
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away
most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say
anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean,
really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was
hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read,
write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are
rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that
everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there
are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult.
If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your
post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap
space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles
that seem to be placing such a demand on you.


P.S. You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly,
deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent,
opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted,
racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic,
insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine,
conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic,
spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb,
evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative,
paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic,
diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim,
crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim,
unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive,
socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good. "

[indianasmith]

So, Z - I'm guessing he didn't like this guy?