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Author Topic: Teen Wolf  (Read 2099 times)
BruceCampbell16
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« on: January 25, 2009, 07:37:12 PM »

TEEN WOLF
Rated: PG
2 slimes
Copyright Company and Date: WOLFKILL PRODUCTIONS, INC., 1985
Submitted by SAM CARRUTHERS



THE CHARACTERS

Scott Howard - Michael J. Fox. The only reason this film is still in existence. His name was spelled larger than the name of the film on the posters and he dominates every single scene. All five feet, four inches. With stature in mind, I guess he was a strange choice to play a basketball star…

Harold Howard - Scott’s father. The head of a hardware store. He is the reason Scott transforms into a werewolf. Damn genetics.

Stiles - Scott’s good friend and an avid wearer of obnoxious t-shirts. Not much is told about him. Despite acting like everyone loves him, you only see him interact with Scott and some other random teenage boy. The type of character who could only appear in an 80s movie.

Boof - Another character who is excellently named. The girl down the street who has been friends with Scott for years. She speaks of one time the two ran away from home but didn’t get anywhere. Watching the film, one could only wish they would have made it somewhere far.

Pamela Wells - The cliché popular, but heartless, girl who goes for the basketball star, whoever that may be. One of the most awfully one-dimensional characters I have ever seen in a film.

Mick - The basketball star that Pamela is seeing until Teen Wolf comes along. This forms a rivalry between the two that comes out in a game during the finale. His astoundingly rough (but apparently never flagrant due to the lack of competent referees) fouls elevate the sport to a violent level more widely seen in Rollerball or Death Race. Well… maybe I’m exaggerating.

Rusty Thorne - The school principal who had once been intimidated by Scott’s father in werewolf form. His name should have been the last straw, but for the sake of being able to say “I watched Teen Wolf the other day,” I stayed in my seat. 


LESSONS LEARNED

-If you need a body double for a film, don’t worry! He doesn’t need to be anywhere near the same size as your lead actor.

-Being a werewolf will make you excel at basketball and will make your teachers give you great grades.

-Girls love men with thick hair everywhere.

-The 80s had equal amounts bad clothes and strange nicknames.

-You can’t just show someone dancing on top of a car once during a movie. That simply does not satisfy the consensus need to see people dancing on top of cars.


STUFF TO WATCH FOR

6 Minutes - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST CHEST HAIR!

14 Minutes - Denim party!

31 Minutes - This is a lot like “An American London In Werewolf,” except bad.

41 Minutes - The police should really hire this guy.

58 Minutes - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A BOWLING BALL!

1 Hour, 2 Minutes - I have a shirt with a depiction of this scene on it. It goes without saying that I’m also the talk of the town.

1 Hour, 22 Minutes - Teamwork montage! Yes!

1 Hour, 28 Minutes - RANDOM GRATUITOUS NUDITY BY A MALE EXTRA!


NOTABLE QUOTES

Harold Howard: Listen son. You're going to be able to do a lot of things the other guys aren't.
Scott Howard: Oh yeah, like chase cars, and bite the mailman?


Mick: You don't scare me, freak. Underneath all that hair, you're still a dork, Scott. I've handled your kind before. Your mama used to steal chickens out of the backyard until I blew her head off with a shotgun. Right, Scott?


THE PLOT

             Scott Howard is just a normal kid who is undergoing changes. These changes aren’t the typical ones though. As if the pain of puberty wasn’t enough, the kid is becoming a werewolf. We see this in the locker room after his school is demolished in a basketball game. Scott lets his intentions known to his father that he wants to quit the team and join the school play. Scott’s dad recruits his friend Boof to talk to him. They show a clear chemistry (they even kiss during a game at a party), and it’s obvious this is the girl that the movie wants him to be with, but Scott has other plans. He digs a b***hy and blonde, popular girl named Pamela Wells. However, Pamela dates a rival school’s basketball player who we saw in the first game, Mick. But alright. With such great characters I thought Mamet wrote this. Turns out he didn’t.

   At first, he can’t control anything. His hands will suddenly get incredibly hairy (your mother told you not touch there, Scott…), his nails will get long and sharp, or his ears will get pointy (maybe he’s actually becoming an elf. I mean, he’s got the height and the eyes and… eh… never mind). Whenever he has strong emotion in him, signs of the wolf become prominent. To add to his troubles, the school principal is suspicious of him throughout the movie.

    One night while Scott is in the bathroom, he is being fully transformed. Amid a terribly awkward conversation with his father, where jokes suggestive of masturbation have never been less funny, he opens the door to see his father sporting some of the most awful werewolf make-up in any film. Turns out the werewolf gene is in the family, but daddy didn’t want to tell Scott. I guess it skips a generation sometimes or something like that. Also, now he can turn into the wolf whenever he wants and has a great sense of smell. Whatever, when are the silly basketball scenes?

   After an unintentional transformation during a game, Scott becomes to the school what Hasselhoff was to the Germans. Pamela suddenly wants to date him, he gets a role in the school play without question and without quitting the team. Not to mention, he plays like Michael Jordan. Asking if the movie is predictable from here on out is kind of like asking if old people like to tell stories about their younger years. I could have written the second half of the movie. Montage of popularity, taking friends for granted, Boof’s being upset at him, rejection of being the wolf, montage, defeat of Mick, and an uplifting ending featuring a kiss with Boof. Beautiful. And, with the credits rolling, I am hit by the sad realization that I enjoyed "Ghost Dad" more than this.

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