BOLL KG PRODUCTIONS / BRIGHT LIGHT PICTURES 2008
: this version has no legs. THE CHARACTERSJACK CARVER: TIL SCHWEIGER
Drunken riverboat captain on the old Cotton Blossom #1…..umm…ex Special Services operative who is only alert and awake once you shoot at his boat with an air rifle.VALERIE CARDINAL: EMANUELLE VAUGIER
Investigative journalist in search of her uncle, who, once she finds that he has been turned into a zombie soldier, discovers that she is truly investigatively over her head and in deep doo-doo.DR KAKA: UDO KIER
Painter, artist and revengeful zombie creator who uses his protection force as cannon fodder for his zombie hordes. I know his real name was mentioned sometime during the film but I forgot what it was. Surrounded by his zombie children at the end and we never find out what happens to him. Nor do we care.KATJA CHERNOV: NATALIA AVELON
Sister to Chelnov the Atomic Runner
and Dr Kaka’s right hand person who is in charge of the forces on the island: gets her pretty neck Linda Blair’ed with a vengeance.MAX CARDINAL: RALF MOELLER
Valerie’s uncle who is eventually turned into one of the robotic zombie hordes as punishment for sending an email but proves himself to be a nice zombie. Shot in the eye and dies but not before improving Chernov’s posture permanently.JASON PARKER: CRAIG FAIRBRASS
Commander of the cannon-fodder forces on the island: can tell if a weapon is empty just by looking at it. Killed by a ghastly neck wound which spouts mucho red apple juice.EMILIO: CHRIS COPPOLA
Tremendously unfunny comic relief in this film: his special skills are hiding under a tray, complaining, hurting his back, choking on a meatball sandwich, messing his undies in fear, cutting his hand on broken glass as well as yelling and screaming. STUFF TO WATCH OUT FOR
1:03: This is an Uwe Boll film so I have a bad feeling about it too.
2:01: Why is the camera attached to that gun barrel?
3:25: Right about now, the DP is screaming that his ass is on fire.
5:00: Stolen music cue: cue lawsuit from Bernard Herrmann’s estate.
5:25: Urgh: “Don’t fence me in………….”
6:20: I would suspect that these guys are having a whale of a time.
8:00: Oi: leave me the FARk alone: my date took a look at my you know what last night and I feel like CRYing myself to sleep.
14:45: WTF is Anthony Bourdain doing in this?
22:45: Dude: will you please look where the hell you’re going?
25:00: Oh, FAR CRYing out loud, when is this movie going to get better?
40:51: LOL: neither of these two actors really wants to be in this scene!
45:10: Ulp! So much for job security!
53:36: This looks like stock footage left over from Gator.
59:54: That is really terrible dialogue: why wasn’t I credited for the re-write?
1:00:49: It would be wasted on me too.1:04:37: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST TIL SCHWEIGER’S HEAD! OW!
1:05:09: Helloooo, clothesline! OW!
1:06:12: Hah: me shoot-bang-fire!
1:07:00: As if this film wasn’t FAR-fetched enough, that scene is just a CRYing shame.
1:10:19: I guess working here really makes you want to puke, huh?
1:10:33: I SAW what you did there.
1:11:16: OK, he’s talking to the screenwriter.
1:12:00: This movie is FARking terrible and I’m about to CRY myself to sleep.
1:15:10: How does he know the shotgun is empty just by looking at it?1:20:11: RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST NATALIA AVELON’S NECK!
1:21:30: I agree with that sentiment: I paid a lot of money for this DVD.QUOTES
Jack: “That’s sweet. They’re called grenades: try throwing one.”
Valerie: “How can you live with yourself?”
Dr Kaka: “I live…. fine, thank you.”
Valerie: “He turned Max into one of his creatures!”
Jack: “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to her. You wish, huh?”
Chernov: “Any more complaints?”
Emilio: “You owe me a meatball sandwich!”
Jack: “I haven’t said anything about being simple.”
Dr Kaka: “My process will be wasted on you!”
Mary: “Special army, my ass!”
Emilio: “He hijacked my boat and then he hijacked me!”
Chernov: “Gun down!”
Jack: “Dream on.”
Dr Kaka: “Outstanding. Absolutely outstanding.”
Valerie: “That’s it? That’s your plan? Stay here and paint?”
Dr Kaka: “You must be joking.”
Emilio: “Good thing he doesn’t know you’re banging his niece.”
Dr Kaka: “Chernov. I’m waiting.”LESSONS LEARNED
Always remove the pin from a grenade before throwing it and remember to throw the grenade, not the pin.
Zombies are great at Parkour, stiffness notwithstanding.
South African hating idiots like Anthony Bourdain eventually hit the wall.
Pressing the CTRL, ALT and DELETE keys will summon zombies.
Zombification does not eradicate humanity altogether.
Sending an email can change your life for the worse in many ways.
Even if someone rates you only a two in bed, they still want to see you tomorrow.
The only ‘far cry’ you hear in this are from the buyers of the DVD and the film’s investors, saying “Far crying out loud, why did I spend my money on THIS?”
You awake Special Forces vets by shooting at them with an air rifle.
Regan MacNeil had a great way of killing people.
Fences play hell with skulls.THE PLOT
Something has happened on the island of Kakanja, run by the prissy Dr Kaka and his troops. Something has happened but I fell asleep during the opening credit (there was only one credit: the film’s title) and a;lso whhhhille typinling this….; lsiry8e6r 99.
[Sips coffee] Ah, there we go.
The mad artist / dictator of the island has come up with a formula to transform his soldiers into robotic zombie beasts, who don’t require sleep, baths or changes of undies. Nor do they appear to mind when someone shoots at them but they do get angry with Anthony Bourdain as it is not only his disdain for South Africans in general but also his ability as a lab technician which causes one of them to get angry and chuck the aforementioned numb nuts idiot head first into a nearby wall.
I felt very, very sorry for that wall.
Cut to Canada and here we find our “hero” of the piece, Jack Carver who is at present having a whale of a time transporting two whiny people who wail about just wanting to see whales. In the meantime, Uncle Max Cardinal sends an email and gets himself zombiefied for his trouble while his niece travels to a seaside resort where the boat captain she’s charted to go to Dr Kaka’s island (Jack in other words) has to be woken up from a drunken sleep by his boss shooting at him with an air rifle.
Jack nevertheless proves himself to be an excellent skipper – he can pilot the boat without looking where he is going – and soon they are on the island and up to their noses in doo-doo: as they discover that the mad doctor on the island – much like Drs Menard and Obrero before him – is bending all to his will, using his protection force as cannon fodder for his robo-zombies, speaking very tersely into a walkie-talkie and employing his non-existent art skills in covering up his secret robo-zombie formula.
All of this happens in what appears to be an abandoned saw mill.
All three – with a hijacked complaining oaf by the name of Emilio who claims to be family of Francis Ford Coppola – set their wits against the doctor and at first against Jason Carver, the nominal leader of the island’s troops and someone who is getting a leetle PO’d at his troops being used as zombie munchies by Doctor Kaka’s men.
The upshot of all of this is that all three are captured and Dr Kaka sends Uncle Zombie Max to settle everything with Jack, until (a) Max sees his niece above him and (b) allows Jack to get hit in the head by a slowly opening door. The zombie hordes are decimated by Max and Jack and the protection forces under Jason carry on where they left off in the beginning of the film, i.e. as MacZombie nuggets.
Apologies: that was a real Kroc of a joke. ;)
Jason and Jack meet up, kiss, hug, get a room and then Jason gets himself offed when he stands up to someone who is a quarter his size but has bigger balls than him, so to speak. Jack confronts Chernov and the by now very scared Dr Kaka, only to get some surprising assistance in the form of Uncle Max who flattens Chernov’s soldiers and gets shot in the eye for his trouble, but takes Chernov with him by doing a Linda Blair on her pretty little neck.
Jack, Valerie and Emilio skedaddle off the island leaving the luckless Dr Kaka to his fate – whatever that is as we never find out – and Jack winds up with a new boat and the same wailing customers who are still whaling on Jack about there not being any whales to see.
The only other wailing comes from me: wailing at being out of pocket after buying this POS.