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August 21, 2014, 05:29:14 AM
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Author Topic: Need some advice please  (Read 1990 times)
3mnkids
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« on: September 21, 2009, 08:17:12 AM »

My daughter has a friend, a 13 yr old boy, who has some issues. Family issues mostly, his parents are indifferent to him it seems and he is on medication and has been suicidal.

He was at my house all weekend. His mother dropped him off at 9 am and finally at 10 pm i told him i was taking him home and he didn't want to go. When we got to his house he started play fighting with my son and I didn't think anything of it i just thought he was stalling because he didn't want to go inside his house.

my son was laughing and running around the van trying to get away from him and all of a sudden this kid punched my son in the face, hard.  needless to say i was pis***. I know that is how he plays/fights with his older brothers but its not acceptable in my house. My issue is this.. Do I tell both of my children to stay away from him and just write him off like so many others have done or do i try to talk to him. Give him another chance? I feel bad for this kid i really do but i dont want my kids hurt.

He didn't accidentally hit my son, I saw it and it was deliberate. I dont know why he would do it. Maybe he was mad I took him home, maybe he is just mean, maybe he wanted to see what we would do about it.

ugh, my son of course forgives him and he is my daughters closest friend but damn...

I dont know what to do. This kid has no one. Students and teachers are cruel to him at school and his parents dont give a crap about him..  Bluesad
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« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2009, 08:26:50 AM »

How old is your son?  Either way I wouldn't want a kid like that around my kids.  Its not your job to show him right from wrong and if he can't figure out at 13 that punching someone in the face is wrong, good riddance.
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« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2009, 08:33:49 AM »

If your children have a strong bond with this other child and you feel really bad about just giving up on him, then I'd give the kid a second chance. Kids fight all the time and do stupid and cruel things at times, but it's usually forgotten the next day. You just have to look at all the pros and cons and decide yourself, as a parent what is the best thing to do and how much you are willing to put up with in regards to your children's own wellbeing. I know I'd hate another kid to punch one of my own (if I had any), but that needs taking up with his parents and at the end of the day it's their problem. Also, if you are aware that his homelife is much more unstable than you thought and he is at risk, I'd think about calling social services.

That's just my take at this minute. I know I'm not really the best person to ask, as I'm not a parent, but I've seen and known of alot of people in similar situations.
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3mnkids
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« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2009, 08:44:03 AM »

Thanks for the quick replies guys.  Smile

How old is your son?  Either way I wouldn't want a kid like that around my kids.  Its not your job to show him right from wrong and if he can't figure out at 13 that punching someone in the face is wrong, good riddance.

My son is 12. you are right he should know that hitting is wrong i just dont understand why he did it.


If your children have a strong bond with this other child and you feel really bad about just giving up on him, then I'd give the kid a second chance. Kids fight all the time and do stupid and cruel things at times, but it's usually forgotten the next day. You just have to look at all the pros and cons and decide yourself, as a parent what is the best thing to do and how much you are willing to put up with in regards to your children's own wellbeing. I know I'd hate another kid to punch one of my own (if I had any), but that needs taking up with his parents and at the end of the day it's their problem. Also, if you are aware that his homelife is much more unstable than you thought and he is at risk, I'd think about calling social services.

That's just my take at this minute. I know I'm not really the best person to ask, as I'm not a parent, but I've seen and known of alot of people in similar situations.

My daughter is really close to him. They have been friends for years but im afraid for her now. I dont think he would hurt her but i didnt think he would punch my son either. Social services are already involved with this family and have been for years but nothing changes. its sad.
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« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2009, 09:14:49 AM »

I'm sure my wife would make it her mission in life to break off any contact with this other kid.  And I'd support her 100%.  That just sounds like a bad situation.
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« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2009, 10:08:29 AM »

I would talk to him. I know that it's naive to think that it'll be allright, but if you tell him that you don't want this to happen again, I think he won't get in anymore fights with your kids.
Of course, I'm no expert, but I'd give the kid another chance.
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« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2009, 10:15:33 AM »

It's possible that he did it out of jealousy. I know when I was not much younger than that and my parents were getting a divorce, I got jealous to a point of acting out toward other families that were still together. The feelings were especially strong when it felt like everyone was watching our family like it was a soap opera. It's possible he felt accepted in the last 13 hours, and now was feeling rejected. The kid has issues, but if I were in your situation, I wouldn't look at it in a black-or-white way. I'd watch and allow them to hang out, but limit it. Also, have a talk with the kid, one incident doesn't make the kid Jeffery Dahlmer. Talk with him, give him a hug, be nice to him, and then watch him like a hawk. Let him know it's up to HIM to keep your relationship positive. Also, say something like "But when you start getting out of hand and I have to tell you to knock it off, you need to knock it off" or whatever. Instill in him something that lets him know he's going out of bounds, and when he gets there, use it. One thing you DON'T want to do is have some troubled kid hating you if you don't have to. I don't see anything good coming from abandoning this kid at this point. You implied everyone has abandoned him, well that obviously didn't help matters, one more person doing so isn't going to help. Also, the kid might BE 13 years in age, but not socially/emotionally developed as such.

Also, I can't think of any of my teen-age friends that DIDN'T punch me in the face at least once, a punch in the face mean something totally different to a teen-age boy than it does to a mom.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2009, 10:33:17 AM by ghouck » Logged

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« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2009, 11:05:36 AM »

You should watch over him, even if he does do things that pi** you off. Your family might provide some comfort to him, a beacon of normality that he can't get at his house.
Make you sure that you tell him that hitting you kids (or anyone for that matter) is not acceptable. Your kid forgives him and thats important.


When I was a kid, I spent more time at my friends house with his family than I did my own...I never hit my mate, though.
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3mnkids
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« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2009, 11:32:48 AM »

Thanks everyone. Im going to talk to him this afternoon. Im going to tell him he cant behave that way and that he can continue to come over and hang out but he has to follow my rules. I will be watching him closely and until im sure this wont happen again they can only hang out at my house where i can keep on eye on them.

I just dont feel comfortable writing him off yet. I really, really hope im not making a mistake but maybe he was just testing us to see if we would push him away like everyone else. I don't know. This kid has been through so much and maybe I am naive to think we can help him but i have to try. I will give him a second chance. I know that's what my kids want.


Thanks again everyone for the great replies. It helped.
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Zapranoth
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« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2009, 03:01:53 PM »

I think that you are doing the right thing.
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kakihara
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« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2009, 05:50:56 PM »

judging by how you feel about the kid and that want to give him a second chance after he hurt your own kid, makes you a good person. assuming that you can communicate with the kid (some kids just say yes i understand when they dont), have a man-to-man talk with him. if you are going to give him a second chance make it absolutely clear that you will kick his ass if he pulls something like that again, but he needs to know that you care about him too. what he did was unacceptable. being that he is 13 means he is old enough to know better and probably big enough to do some real damage. you also have a daughter to worry about. your family comes first, so protect them first. i would watch him carefully and be aware of any negative influence on your own children. if you want to help him, thats cool. but there is only so much you can do, dont get to deep. treat him like your own when hes around if he values you and your familys friendship, then he will be respectful. this is a tough one to deal with, just be careful.
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« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2009, 05:59:22 PM »

Your family comes first, stay safe. Goodluck and best wishes.  Smile
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« Reply #12 on: September 21, 2009, 09:37:09 PM »

Sorry I got here late.  I would advise you to do pretty much what you have done, with only one difference in emphasis: I would make sure he understands this is his last chance, that he has to behave correctly in order to have the privilege of visiting your house.  Your own children's safety must come first. 

You've described one of the toughest dilemmas anyone can face: the "bad" kid who may only be misbehaving because of a tough home situation.  Your heart goes out to him, but he may be too dangerous to get close to.  I'm glad it's your decision to make and not mine. 
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« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2009, 11:01:56 PM »

My daughter has a friend, a 13 yr old boy, who has some issues. Family issues mostly, his parents are indifferent to him it seems and he is on medication and has been suicidal.

He was at my house all weekend. His mother dropped him off at 9 am and finally at 10 pm i told him i was taking him home and he didn't want to go. When we got to his house he started play fighting with my son and I didn't think anything of it i just thought he was stalling because he didn't want to go inside his house.

my son was laughing and running around the van trying to get away from him and all of a sudden this kid punched my son in the face, hard.  needless to say i was pis***. I know that is how he plays/fights with his older brothers but its not acceptable in my house. My issue is this.. Do I tell both of my children to stay away from him and just write him off like so many others have done or do i try to talk to him. Give him another chance? I feel bad for this kid i really do but i dont want my kids hurt.

He didn't accidentally hit my son, I saw it and it was deliberate. I dont know why he would do it. Maybe he was mad I took him home, maybe he is just mean, maybe he wanted to see what we would do about it.

ugh, my son of course forgives him and he is my daughters closest friend but damn...

I dont know what to do. This kid has no one. Students and teachers are cruel to him at school and his parents dont give a crap about him..  Bluesad
It's all very sad.  You need to protect your family.  Unfortunately people don't just play-act the indifferent violence they see on television, but also the friendly kindhearted positive world view, yet find themselves too often disappointed and even victimized.  People will too often disappoint, particularly if angry, young, and in a poor environment.  You need to protect your family. 
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