Titanic: The Legend Goes On
Rated U (U.K. Rating Board in case you are wondering)
Copyright Prism Leisure Corporation 2001
Angelica: She'll be our poorwoman's Cindrella for the film and is also currently searching for her missing mom. She falls in love with guy in just the span of 2 encounters with him. They both marry at the end movie.
William: I don’t know about this guy, but is it healthy to just fall in love with someone so quickly and out of the blue? He marries Angelica at the end of the film.
Gertrude: She plays the evil stepmother role and that's all you need to know about her. She's leaves no impact at all on the audience outside of being a complete jerk.
Hortense & Bernice: Ugh. Just ugh. These he-women are Angelica’s evil stepsisters who are voiced just terribly. Don’t bother listening to what they have to say, it is all just gibberish.
Victoria: She is the mother of Angelica and the nanny for William (Why does he need a nanny?). She and Angelica reunite with each other on the lifeboats after the ship starts sinking.
Detective Sam Bradbury: He is a detective who is chasing after Kirk & Dirk in order to arrest them. He really needs to work on his disguises since pretty much everyone can see through them.
Kirk & Dirk: They’re two thieves that Sam is chasing after, who are on the Titanic in order to steal valuables from people. Apparently, they can laugh and joke around while tons of people are drowning and freezing to death.
Maxie & His Parents: An American Tale copycats who mostly just grunt and groan a lot of the time.
Fritz: MY EARS! THEY’RE BLEEDING! SHUT THAT DOG UP!
+ When a dog starts rapping, it is party time.
+ The Titanic crew tried to get rid of the water in the ship with buckets.
+ Rapping and jerseys were around in the 1910s.
+ Metal is incredibly weak.
+ Pets are allowed on lifeboats.
+ You can never reuse footage enough.
+ Films must be directed by actual film makers.
+ Whiskey puts out flames.
+ No one finds it weird when animals wear clothing.
STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – Wow, the movie is over before it even began! I’m out of here.
3 min – Hey, 3 scene changes in less than a minute! That’s got to be a record.
4 min – Whoa whoa! Slow down here!
6 min – So, lip-syncing has gone out the window at this point.
8 min 25 sec – Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. Seriously, that is what the dialogue amounts to in this scene.
8 min 35 sec – It’s a troll!!!
9 min – This movie is making less sense with every passing second.
10 min 15 sec – I blinked and now I am even more confused.
10 min 22 sec – Oh God, he’s breaking into a rap number! Where’s the mute button on this remote?!
11 min – Oh thank God that is over. I need aspirin.
12 min – Hey, he was just at the door and now he 10 feet away from it.
16 min – Ah… does love work this way?
18 min – I’m sorry, but did the film just skip a scene?
22 min – Music budget kicked back in and surprisingly with someone that can actually sing.
24 min – Please don’t talk about your figure… you’re creeping me out.
26 min – So according to that mouse, the movie is wasting my time with this scene.
30 min – Oh yeah, because that isn’t conspicuous at all.
31 min – Well alright, I’ll give them a point for something that was actually funny.
34 min – The ship is going in reverse and the smoke is actually going back into the smokestacks.
37 min – That’s it! The movie has officially gone crazy!
40 min – Whoa! The iceberg just popped out of nowhere.
42 min – Lots of reuse of stock footage.
46 min – Ah yes, nothing like inserting a little humor into a human misery.
47 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WINDOW!
50 min – Seriously, the odds of this happening are basically a zillion to one if I calculate this right.
51 min – Wait a minute, weren’t those animals in cargo hole of the ship? How are they still alive!?
54 min – The movie isn’t over yet?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Sam: Special Detective Sam Bradbury, Sam to my friends, threat to my enemies!
Maxie: If it hadn't been for you I would now be in someone else's digestion.
Fritz: You know there's something you should know, so I'm gonna tell you so, don't sweat it, forget it, enjoy the show! (Dog starts rapping)
Ah yes, Titanic: The Legend Goes On or better known as The Animated Musical. If that doesn't already scare you, then you should know that this movie includes talking mice, tons of rip-offs of better animated movies, terrible editing, and of course, a rapping dog. With all of that in mind, let’s take a deep breath and venture forth into this animated disaster.
The movie starts off and we see the Titanic sinking… that was quick! Actually, one of the characters in the lifeboats, named Angelica, has a flashback to the events leading up to what has happened before the boat sank. This sounds familiar… where have I heard of this before?
We find Angelica in the flashback riding a train with her evil stepmother, Gertrude, and her evil stepsisters, Hortense and Bernice. They are not referred to as evil or anything, but if they are going to rip off Cinderella, I might as well refer to them as that. Angelica is all sad and stuff about not knowing where her mom is. Her evil stepmother just says to forget about ever finding her, but Angelica insists that she will indeed find her mother. FORESHADOWING!
The movie then sends us directly to the boarding of the infamous ship where we find all the people getting on, including a bunch of animals. At this time, the movie’s pacing is completely all over the place and is just jumping randomly from person to person, with no thought or logic to it. Plus, the animation is completely terrible, making this even worse. You know what else? We are only four minutes into this film.
During all of these random jump cuts, we meet a furry mouse family, Kirk & Dirk, a perverted guy that looks like Gaston (Surprisingly enough, is called Gaston!) with a mustache, a tramp, two Dalmatians, the Brown Family, William & Victoria, Detective Sam Bradbury, Mexican Mice from a Speedy Gonzales carton, and a lot of other weird looking people. This will be our crazy cast of characters and I must admit, they are all ugly as heck.
So, the ship departs and we find ourselves unfortunately seeing what Angelica is up to with her evil family members. Her large bratty stepsisters make Gertrude punish her for somehow tearing their clothes. Personally, I say they tore it themselves seeing how they aren’t exactly ‘slim'. Anyways, Gertrude breaks some her fine china and makes Angelica clean up as punishment. Is she really this stupid that she would break her own, probably expensive, china so that she can make Angelica’s life miserable?
Then we cut away to another location on the ship, the cargo hold, where all the little furry and feathered creatures that boarded are resting at. The little mouse of the mouse family, named Maxie, talks to his mother about overhearing Angelica’s problems with how she is miserable and that she won’t be able to attend some kind of ball happening on the ship because her evil family won’t let her. I am thinking of Cinderella again, how about you?
Then a random cat and little dog attack the little mouse boy. Just as suddenly as they appear, a large dog pops out and scares them off. The mouse thanks him and then the dog breaks into a rap number while the Mexican mice & a bunch of geese back him up with vocals and instruments; then somewhere, there is a chef chases a mouse with a large turkey leg. Please take a good few moments to fully comprend all of that and then let us continue on this magical and painful journey.
We find ourselves with Kirk & Dirk now, who are attempting to steal jewelry from some lady. They are thwarted by the male version of the lady from The Lady and the Tramp while they do this. Random! The movie then jumps to William and Victoria, a young man and his nanny (He’s over 20 why he needs a nanny is anyone’s guess), who are discussing some things and are hoping that this cruise will allow them to relax. Victoria also mentions that she has a daughter and that she is wondering how she is doing. Wink wink.
Let’s see here, following this insane movie’s pacing, we find both Kirk & Dirk trying again to rob someone but hilariously failing (Extreme sarcasm) and Angelica and William meeting each other in the hallway for the first time. Somehow, by touching her hand as he helps picks up some of her clothes she dropped, he is instantly attracted to her. Why is anyone’s guess at this point, but that is the least of this film's problems.
After some non-funny scenes with the mouse and a chef from before, we see William stalking… err… searching for Angelica. He runs into her on the deck and they then share some kind of moment as they dance together for whatever reason. How can you share moment with someone you only met twice?! Anyways, he asks to meet her again at the ball that night, but she has nothing to wear. Guess what? The old lady that she is bunking with in third class has a gown for her to wear. The old lady can’t fit into that thing, so why does she have it anyways? Again, I am asking questions in a movie that features a rapping dog.
So, William awaits Angelica in the ballroom and actually has a flashback of his moments with Angelica. Yes, all of two of them. Also, think about this. This movie is basically a flashback already, so how can we be flashing back while in another flashback of a completely different person? Ah forget it, Angelica shows up in the gown and two of them have a nice dance together. They also share a nice kiss together, but really, the main thing the audience cares about at this point is that iceberg showing up.
Back to the furry animals (Because you never get enough of those horrible little fur balls), we find them all celebrating and throwing a party for no good reason. During the party, the Mexican mice even get their own musical number. Ugh. Right now, I really demand for that iceberg to show up, if only it would to stop all of these animal music numbers.
Luckily for us, that night, the iceberg shows up out of nowhere (You got to watch out for those magically appearing icebergs when crossing the ocean) and hits the ship. With the ship now sinking, William meets up with Angelica and they head up onto the deck together. Unfortunately, William can’t board the lifeboat with Angelica, because of that whole women and children first, despite the fact that a lot of men get into the lifeboats before a bunch of the women do.
So with a bunch of random jump cuts and reuse of previous footage, we find ourselves back at the beginning of the movie with Angelica in the lifeboat with others. We also find William still onboard the ship as it sinks into the abyss. But that does not spell the end for William, nope! The life boat that Angelica is on actually picks up William, who is floating in the water along with Sam Bradbury as well. Also, we find that are animal friends are still alive too on a makeshift raft, but do you honestly care?
William is saved and we also find out that Victoria (William’s nanny in case you forgot or even care) is in fact, Angelica’s mother. So everyone is happy despite over a thousand people drowning and freezing to death as the sun rises up. But that’s not all folks! Nope, we get some last minute dialogue from that boy mouse who tells us what happened to everyone. Kirk & Dirk hooked up with the evil step sisters, Maxie (The boy mouse) and his family are living at the ship’s cook’s restaurant, the dogs are part of the NYC police force with Sam, and Angelica and William married each other and live happily ever after. Whoopie frickin’ doo.
After all of this, what can be said about this film as a whole? Well, it is basically like tossing in the James Cameron movie, a bunch of Disney films, the animation from the Legend of Zelda games on CD-I, tons of insensitivity, racial stereotyping, and a couple of music numbers into a blender, which then pukes out this pile of crap. Wow, I couldn’t have summed that up any better!
Seriously here, this movie is awful and despicable in every meaning of the word. There is mind numbing pacing, horrible rip offs, ear bleeding voice acting, hideous animation, a rapping dog, and there is a happy ending in one of the biggest tragedies. The only thing that can be salvage from the movie is a song a woman sings throughout the film. It’s surprising good and sung well, but it is a shame that it was wasted on this film. Now, if you will, let us forget about this film and watch something more interesting. Anyone up for seeing Wall-E?