Constructive Criticism Please?

[SPazzo]

So I have been getting into writing short stories lately.  I have one that I'm sorta proud of, and I was wondering if anyone wanted to comment about it.  Just so you guys know, it has strong language, sexual content, and some violence. (In short, all the fun stuff.)  Plus it mentions some issues about abortion and birth control.  Just be warned

http://www.scribd.com/doc/23811735/The-Girl-and-the-Boy

[WingedSerpent]

Well, you certainly have the basics for a good scence here, but I do have some things to say.  I'll try to give this as constuctively as I can, but if I say something you don't like-just remember I not trying to be mean.

Some parts don't read like a story.  They read more like someone describing a movie to someone.  For instance, I don't think you need to point out that your moving from one scence to another (It looks more like you left notes about your idea in the text of your story).  The reader will figure it out.  And because this story is so short, it would help to keep the writing sharp.  That's not to say the sentences need to be only a few words long, just choose them more carefully.  There are a few sentnces that don't flow very well.

I don't know if you've had any creative writing experience (your post seems to indicate that this is something you've taken up recently)
If you get a chance to take a creative writing coures, you might be able to get a teacher to give you some real information.  Read some articles or books about creative writing.  And keep at it.  The more you do it, the better it will become.

And sorry if it sounds like I'm tearing a part something you think is great.  But in the creative fields, it happens quite a lot. 

[SPazzo]

WingedSerpent:  Thanks for the advice.  Don't worry about that being "constructive" enough.  Compared to some of the things my "friends" said, what you said is like one of Roger Ebert's Great Movie Reviews.

[The Burgomaster]

Overall, I think this is pretty good.  I have one general suggestion . . . try to avoid stating things directly.  It's usually better to describe circumstances that allow the reader to realize what is happening rather than telling the reader what is happening.  For instance, if you describe the girl running, stumbling, maybe disoriented and uncoordinated, we will understand that she is scared.  Then you wouldn't need to come right out and tell us she is "scared of what he might do" and that he had "just betrayed her."  Also, there are one or two awkward sentences such as "she did what any man, woman, or child would do."  This comes off as sort of cliche.

So, with just a bit of polishing, I think this would be a fine short story.  Maybe you could even expand it by a few pages and give us more background about the guy and gal.

 

[Derf]

I just read your story. Let me preface my comments with a little of my background: I've got a master's degree in Creative Writing and Literature, specializing in the short story. That doesn't mean that I'm the short story god of the universe or anything, but I've got some experience in the field. Also, I don't mean to sound overly harsh; you asked for constructive criticism, and that's what I'm trying to give. If you disagree with anything I say, just remember: it is your story, not mine. Do what you want to do with it, not what I tell you to do with it. Also, sorry for the length; I'm an English teacher. 

I'm going to start by agreeing with what Burgomaster said. Try not to simply describe emotions; demonstrate them. As Mark Twain once said, "Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream." That would call for more dialog and more actions to be incorporated into the story. I don't mean "actions" as in more sex or violence, but rather more little things that show the reader the mindset of the character rather than simply stating it. One way to do this would be to switch the story into a first-person perspective, from the viewpoint of the girl. This would allow for a running monologue to demonstrate her confused, hurt, and angry thoughts & feelings. The limitation here, of course, is that you as the narrator can only see into her head and you have to imagine things solely from her perspective. That opens the doors for remembering things like the health class, the conversation that got her into this mess, her trepidation over accepting his invitation, and even some good foreshadowing of his darker nature that the reader can see but she can't. You can do all of this with a third-person narrator, but readers tend to sympathize automatically to some degree with a first-person narrator (the technique is often overused, though, so always consider what your readers might be thinking as they read).

The story you've set up could probably use some more fleshing out, and your story reads like it needs more, at least to me. Has the guy always been a huge douche? Did something possibly happen to make him this aggressive? Did she, at least in his mind, lead him on? There's no excuse for behavior like his, but there are usually reasons. We don't need a psychoanalysis, but why would anyone hook up with the guy if he was always such a jerk? Also, in real life, there are seldom totally innocent figures in any situation like this. What did she do to let herself be talked into this? She can't be that naive; she had to know what he wanted. Why did she go?

There is a story style called "Sudden Fiction" or "Flash Fiction"; check the style out on Wikipedia if you're interested. It can be fun; I've done some extremely short stories, some better than others. Even Hemingway did some in this style: Check out my favorite, "A Clean, Well-Lighted Place," for an example of packing more characterization into 2-3 pages than some novels I've read. If you want to go this route with the story, then we may well need less background than you've given and more telling dialog/inner monologue to simply tap into the raw emotions of the situation.

One final note: The key-to-the-eye scene may be a bit much. I understand she is fighting for her life (more or less), but if she is not the violent type (and the way I read it, she seems to be fairly innocent), I can't see her gleefully punching him in the eye with a key and then simply yanking it out of his skull and leaving. Possibly a key across the face, followed by a fall into a table (knocking him unconscious), would be a decent compromise. But no one is likely to be able to embrace that level of violence that suddenly with little or no reaction. I know if I did that, I'd likely spend a minute or two puking my guts out, screaming, or at least wondering if I'd killed the guy.

You've got a good scene, through which you can explore a lot of different emotions, motivations, ideas, etc. I hope I don't come across like I'm just trashing it. I've been through a lot of workshops where my stories have been simply trashed, and a few others where I received some good criticism. Take any tips (from anyone) that make sense to you, and throw out the rest. This is your creation--make it whatever you want it to be. But I'll warn you: Once you have called it complete, it becomes whatever the reader wants to make it, so if you want it to say something specific, do all you can to steer the reader into your point of view. I've had some criticisms of my stories that absolutely floored me because they were not even close to what I was aiming at. I work harder now to be clear in what I'm trying to do.

[SPazzo]

One final note: The key-to-the-eye scene may be a bit much. I understand she is fighting for her life (more or less), but if she is not the violent type (and the way I read it, she seems to be fairly innocent), I can't see her gleefully punching him in the eye with a key and then simply yanking it out of his skull and leaving. Possibly a key across the face, followed by a fall into a table (knocking him unconscious), would be a decent compromise. But no one is likely to be able to embrace that level of violence that suddenly with little or no reaction. I know if I did that, I'd likely spend a minute or two puking my guts out, screaming, or at least wondering if I'd killed the guy.

I have to agree with you there.  Especially now that I reread the story.  I wrote this right after I watched the remake of Night of the Living Dead (the Savini one, where Barbara somehow turns into Ellen Ripley), so I was kinda trying to write a really strong female lead.

Thanks for the advice Derf and Burgo!

[ER]

That was deft storytelling that didn't waste time. Congratulations on your work and also on being brave enough to put something you wrote out there in the harsh light of the world. A lot of writers aren't so quick to step forward like that and so they languish in their diffidence.

Just to say something very general here...

Obviously one of the most difficult parts of writing is that it's almost impossible to look objectively at your own work. Because you created the story, your perspective is always going to be different than that of anyone else who might ever read it, and will always be colored by the emotions and motivating thoughts that went into bringing the piece onto the page. I've found that just about the only way to even make a dent in that lack of objectivity is to allow some time to pass, weeks, months, even, between when you've reached the point you feel you have the story where you want it and when you read it again with an eye to actually calling the work complete. You'll probably find it's a whole new experience poring over your work once you're even somewhat removed from the mindset that saw it through to its creation. Later it's easier to see what stands out, what does not work so well, and what changes might be wrought to improve the story. In time it also gets a lot easier to edit out those much-loved bits the tale might be better off without. Hard as it may be in that glowing high of fulfilled inspiration, you owe it to yourself to set any story aside once you're done with it. And once it's put away, don't look at it for a few weeks. Think of it as letting the words season.

IMHO the most important thing any writer can ever do is to keep writing. Like any skill you'll almost certainly get noticeably better at it the more often you do it.

And lastly, when it comes to writing and all else, beware the advice of others. ;-)

[SPazzo]

Just to say something very general here...

Obviously one of the most difficult parts of writing is that it's almost impossible to look objectively at your own work. Because you created the story, your perspective is always going to be different than that of anyone else who might ever read it, and will always be colored by the emotions and motivating thoughts that went into bringing the piece onto the page. I've found that just about the only way to even make a dent in that lack of objectivity is to allow some time to pass, weeks, months, even, between when you've reached the point you feel you have the story where you want it and when you read it again with an eye to actually calling the work complete. You'll probably find it's a whole new experience poring over your work once you're even somewhat removed from the mindset that saw it through to its creation. Later it's easier to see what stands out, what does not work so well, and what changes might be wrought to improve the story. In time it also gets a lot easier to edit out those much-loved bits the tale might be better off without. Hard as it may be in that glowing high of fulfilled inspiration, you owe it to yourself to set any story aside once you're done with it. And once it's put away, don't look at it for a few weeks. Think of it as letting the words season.

I know exactly what that's like.  I've written things and then gone back later and just deleted them completely.  It seems to be best to go back to things that I've written in a different mood than what I wrote it in.  For instance, me and a few friends were doing this thing where we would stay up all night watching crappy movies ( ) and then tried doing creative writing or making a video or even writing a song at about 4 in the morning, fueled by energy drinks and crappy movies.

Going back to some of the things we created is a little scary.  I think every writer/filmmaker/recording artist should try this.