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November 21, 2017, 04:32:02 PM
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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  The truly terrible joke thread « previous next »
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Author Topic: The truly terrible joke thread  (Read 95284 times)
AoTFan
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« Reply #585 on: September 03, 2016, 07:12:19 PM »


I was walking down the street when suddenly a wild looking old gypsy woman dressed in rags came out of nowhere, pointed her finger at me and screamed, "You'll never amount to anything!  You're gonna die ALONE!!"

And I said, "Dammit, Grandma, quit bothering me!"
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Rev. Powell
Global Moderator
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Karma: 2176
Posts: 17988


Click on that globe for 366 Weird Movies


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« Reply #586 on: September 23, 2016, 11:27:41 AM »

I think I'm becoming addicted to Viagra.

I'd like to give it up but it's hard... so very hard.
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"Clive [Barker]'s idea of a great time is to have a nightmare about a woman with three heads and no skin who flays your body with a pitchfork. To give you some idea, NIGHTBREED has over 200 pus monsters, including one guy with a crescent moonhead like the McDonald's commercial and a fat guy with snakes that pop out of his stomach and eat your face off, and these are the GOOD GUYS. These are the people we're supposed to LIKE."-Joe Bob on NIGHTBREED
Dark Alex
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Karma: 118
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Apparently I am very Dark and very Alex.


« Reply #587 on: September 23, 2016, 06:01:25 PM »

An elderly lion is having trouble hunting and can no longer chase after fast prey, so he decides to use a disguise and buys a gorilla suit. So he gets it, puts the suit on and goes walking into the jungle. Alas when all the animals see him they still run away.
In desperation he shouts up to the monkeys in the trees how they knew?

One of them replies "Well, you can't hide your lion eyes."
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Having listened to your problems, I have decided I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
akiratubo
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 477
Posts: 3791



« Reply #588 on: September 23, 2016, 08:28:38 PM »

My ex came crawling back to me.  She said, "Give me back my damn wheelchair!"
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Kneel before Dr. Hell, the ruler of this world!
El Misfit
Possible sex dungeon mistress
B-Movie Kraken
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Karma: 862
Posts: 11513


Hi there!


« Reply #589 on: September 24, 2016, 01:52:29 PM »

What's the tallest building in the city? A library because it has the most stories.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room
He said Thank You.
I said don't mention it.

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the Ark hive.
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yeah no.
Chainsaw midget
Probably Not Insane
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 334
Posts: 2327



« Reply #590 on: September 24, 2016, 04:36:20 PM »

Why did the wino go into the haunted house?
He was looking for boos




What do you call some one who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.



What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire! 
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AoTFan
Bad Movie Lover
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Karma: 101
Posts: 876



« Reply #591 on: October 01, 2016, 06:39:33 AM »

Since it's Halloween...

What's a ghost's favorite type of music?
Sheet music.

What's a ghost's favorite flavor of Kool-Aid?
Booberry.

Why were the monsters arrested for throwing a party?
They threw it across the Grand Canyon. 

Why can't witches have babies?
Cause their husbands have Hallowweenies. 
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ER
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 641
Posts: 3812


The world becomes a dream....


« Reply #592 on: October 05, 2016, 09:10:50 AM »

One day a man from Arkansas was in a bar in Los Angeles and he took a liking to a beautiful blond-haired woman he saw seated nearby, so he sent her a bottle of the house’s best champagne with a note attached. "Miss, You are just about the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Would you let me buy you dinner tonight? Your admirer, Jimmy Johnson Jr."

The pretty woman read the note, scoffed, and scribbled her reply. "Mister Johnson, I wouldn’t have dinner with you unless you had a Cadillac, a million dollars in the bank, and an eight-inch penis in your pants."

The waiter took the note back to the gentleman from Arkansas, who sent over the following reply: "Dear Miss, actually I don't have a Cadillac, I have a Rolls Royce. And I don't have a million dollars in the bank, I have fifteen. But not even for someone as pretty as you would I cut an inch off my member! Signed Jimmy Johnson Junior."
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"If I should meet thee after long years,

How shall I greet thee? With silence, and tears."

--Lord Byron
akiratubo
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 477
Posts: 3791



« Reply #593 on: October 05, 2016, 02:34:59 PM »

I held the door open for a lady, but she didn't appreciate it.

She kept screaming, "What's wrong with you?  I'm peeing in here!"
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Kneel before Dr. Hell, the ruler of this world!
El Misfit
Possible sex dungeon mistress
B-Movie Kraken
*****

Karma: 862
Posts: 11513


Hi there!


« Reply #594 on: October 09, 2016, 10:39:43 PM »

This girl said she recognize me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory; I hope there's no pop quiz.

You show me a young lad's room and I'll show you a boycott
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yeah no.
ER
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 641
Posts: 3812


The world becomes a dream....


« Reply #595 on: October 10, 2016, 02:50:04 PM »

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident, and found themselves at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter, so they asked him if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."
 
For the next two hours couple waited for an answer, and discussed the pros and cons of matrimony. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what if it didn't work? Would they be stuck in Heaven together forever?

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were wondering, if things don't work out could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
 
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me two hours to find a pastor up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
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"If I should meet thee after long years,

How shall I greet thee? With silence, and tears."

--Lord Byron
indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
B-Movie Kraken
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Posts: 10894


A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« Reply #596 on: October 15, 2016, 11:35:04 PM »

Did you know Donald Trump is a Marxist?

He admits he likes to seize control of the means of production!
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"Carpe diem!" - Seize the day!  "Carpe per diem!" - Seize the daily living allowance! "Carpe carp!" - Seize the fish!
"Carpe Ngo Diem!" - Seize the South Vietnamese Dictator!
Chainsaw midget
Probably Not Insane
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 334
Posts: 2327



« Reply #597 on: November 25, 2016, 06:59:48 PM »

I haven't slept for three days.  That's just way to long to sleep.  Usually I wake up after about nine or ten hours.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" but it didn't tell me where to trade them in at.  I could use a new watch too. 

People used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, nobody's laughing now! 

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Zapranoth
Eye of Sauron and
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 152
Posts: 1230



« Reply #598 on: November 30, 2016, 01:00:53 AM »

I haven't slept for three days.  That's just way to long to sleep.  Usually I wake up after about nine or ten hours.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" but it didn't tell me where to trade them in at.  I could use a new watch too. 

People used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, nobody's laughing now! 



Steven Wright?
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ER
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 641
Posts: 3812


The world becomes a dream....


« Reply #599 on: December 15, 2016, 11:37:22 AM »

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

 You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

 The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

 The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 The man replied, "They're Carols".
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"If I should meet thee after long years,

How shall I greet thee? With silence, and tears."

--Lord Byron
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